CarryThatWeight

I've been apart from the RAXBF for about six weeks, no contact for four weeks. Been doing well; reading this board has helped a lot! Al Anon, sponsor, etc. Tuesday I came home to find my newly adopted one year old cat (whom I had grown to LOVE in such a short time) dead behind the water heater. It was a horrific sight. It turns out he died a sudden cardiac death and it was not my fault in any way: couldn't have been prevented even if we had known, etc. I am devastated. I did not want to be or sleep alone that night, so in my despair I drove to RAXBF's house and ended up staying the night with him. This has incredibly confused things, as we separated with the intent of permanently ending the relationship. I am angry with myself for not reaching out to Al Anon friends or other family members that were available for support. No, I didn't want that, I wanted him. Like a toddler throwing a tantrum because my kitty died. Being with him again was very comforting, and it made me realize how much I miss and love him. We spoke briefly of getting back together, agreeing to each think and pray and not make any rash decisions. Deep down, I don't think anything will really change, and if I get back with him, it will all blow up in my face again. Issues have a tendency to not go away, you know? But now seeing him has made it all so fresh again and I am already in such pain after the loss of my best buddy. I feel so conflicted and am not sure what to do. If he does call and want to go out, I am not sure I have the strength to say no. Any words of wisdom, even harsh ones, are much appreciated. Thank you all.