CarryThatWeight

I've been apart from the RAXBF for about six weeks, no contact for four weeks. Been doing well; reading this board has helped a lot! Al Anon, sponsor, etc. Tuesday I came home to find my newly adopted one year old cat (whom I had grown to LOVE in such a short time) dead behind the water heater. It was a horrific sight. It turns out he died a sudden cardiac death and it was not my fault in any way: couldn't have been prevented even if we had known, etc. I am devastated. I did not want to be or sleep alone that night, so in my despair I drove to RAXBF's house and ended up staying the night with him. This has incredibly confused things, as we separated with the intent of permanently ending the relationship. I am angry with myself for not reaching out to Al Anon friends or other family members that were available for support. No, I didn't want that, I wanted him. Like a toddler throwing a tantrum because my kitty died. Being with him again was very comforting, and it made me realize how much I miss and love him. We spoke briefly of getting back together, agreeing to each think and pray and not make any rash decisions. Deep down, I don't think anything will really change, and if I get back with him, it will all blow up in my face again. Issues have a tendency to not go away, you know? But now seeing him has made it all so fresh again and I am already in such pain after the loss of my best buddy. I feel so conflicted and am not sure what to do. If he does call and want to go out, I am not sure I have the strength to say no. Any words of wisdom, even harsh ones, are much appreciated. Thank you all.

hopeful4

I am sorry about your kitty....that stinks. Big Hugs.

As far as going back, see it for what it was. A setback, a bad and rash decision, one you should not make again. As you said, you doubt there would be any changes. Do you want to go back to that relationship?

I would be honest with him and tell him it was a mistake and then move forward....and don't do it again.

XXX

lillamy

One of my friends who grew up with alcoholic parents and dated a slew of alcoholics in her 20s said that she chose the hell she was familiar with. Do you think maybe that's what you were doing? Choosing something that was familiar even though you know it isn't good for you, because it was more comforting than choosing to approach someone you weren't as familiar with? (Like an Al-Anon friend, sponsor, etc)?

Every time you break NC, it's like ripping the scab off a wound. But don't worry. You won't bleed to death. It'll scab over again, as long as you don't keep ripping the scab off...

And I'm really sorry about the cat.

inpieces314

Everything happens for a reason. There is a reason your cat died, and there is a reason you went to the X for comfort. And there is a reason why you doubt your decision now.

I think, it was bound to happen sooner or later (you going back to him), and at least now, you know that it was a bad idea. And as stupid as you feel, it was a good idea for you to not be alone last night, so don't beat yourself up over it. Today, you have the clarity to look your decision over and realize that it was a mistake, and you won't do it again. And I still think it was a good decision to not be alone last night, and although you could have stayed with someone else, you only chose him because he is still a source of comfort for you. I just think, after not speaking to you for four weeks, he is going to be on his best behavior, but it's not going to take long to slide back into the madness that made you leave in the first place.

And I am so sorry about your cat.

Sungrl

You slipped. I can completely understand under the circumstance. I'm a major cat lover. Consider this day 1 of starting over NC. If you truly feel in your heart things won't change they probably won't. I am very sorry about your kitty friend. That sounds like a rarity. I think you should go to your local shelter and adopt yourself TWO more cats! The shelters are full of them, and the unconditional joy and happiness they will provide you in tough times (like when you feel like contacting him) is endless. We all have gone back once or twice. I did it more then that. Start over and stay strong!

ResignedToWait

Just because you reached out for comfort to him in a time of need, doesn't mean you owe him a chance to re-kindle the relationship. Tell him thank you for helping you to feel better, but that one doesn't mean you want to pursue anything again.

Maybe a Hallmark card thanking him for the comfort would be a way for you to have closure on that evening with him...so that you can separate that one night of comfort from a future of an alcoholic relationship.

dandylion

CarryThatWeight---this is not the end of the world--and, it is not an uncommon occurance when one is dealing with relationship loss.
It is water over the bridge...it is now, history. A thousand Mia Culpas is not going to benefit a thing.

Perhaps writing a list of the reasons that the relationship needed to end in the first place would be a good thing for you to do, right now--for future reference if you need it.

You say that you don't have the strength to say "No" in the future.....YES YOU DO. I think that the question is---that you still want the relationship at some level within your psyche--and you are leaving just the tiniest crack in the door open to that possibility.

(if this is true)This is understandable, since you are only 6 weeks into the ending of the relationship. There is still lots of work for you to do. Still lots to l earn about yourself.

A really good action plan for if you get triggered to run to the relationship for comfort in the future would be a good thing.

Please accept my condolences for the loss of your kitty. May you find comfort in your memories of him. I know how bad that hurts. It was your privilege to have him.
There are lots of kittys in the shelter that would love to be loved by you. It would be n o respect to your beloved kitty to give a home to one of them.

Go easy on yourself....every experience is another opportunity for learning......

dandylion

CarryThatWeight

I DO have this list! I have several, actually. Yet you're absolutely right, there is a part of me that still wants this relationship to work. The heart wants what it wants, even when the mind knows it's a bad idea. So what do I do with that? How can I keep myself out of trouble when part of me wants that trouble? And yes, I am in counseling and will discuss this.

Thank you all so much for your words.

hopeful4

Look at actions over the long term...that's all you can do.
XXX

dandylion

CarryThatWeight---my short answer to y our question is: Put your brain in charge--not your heart when you feel weak in this area. Read your list over and over ---and work out an "emergency plan" with your counselor--for when you get triggered.

dandylion

Sungrl

Get 3 cats!! lol . I understand and I can offer no advice because I was the same way. I fantasized all the time about a fairy tale ending. One day it just became very clear I was not Cinderella and he sure as f*** wasn't any bodies prince charming.

iSPAZ

CarryThatWeight - Don't beat yourself up. My ex can sometimes be like crack to me! I am around her about once a month or so and find myself sometimes within minutes falling into old patterns. Not trying to change her but more of a feelings thing. When my step father passed she was there the whole time and it did give me comfort that she was there. It can take me days to get back to feeling normal after spending any time around her. Like withdrawals or something. Hard to explain but is a real feeling. Hope thing get better for you.

Bullfrog

I am really sorry that your cat passed away.

Hopeworks

Those feelings are chemicals and hormones...and we are hardwired to GO BACK because your chemicals and hormones are not rational nor intelligent and therefore cannot think for us.

Feelings are not facts and not true love usually.

Sorry about the kitty... That was true unselfish love!

AnvilheadII

so sorry about your kitty!

so you reached out for what you know in a time of sadness and grief. there is nothing WRONG with that. it's human nature to want closeness and comfort in the dark times.

now is NOT the time to make any rash decisions! not when you are in an emotional state of upheaval. give yourself time. HE is not your solution.

right before I married ex#2 I went and hunted down an old BF...I guess I just need to make sure that I was moving forward and not leaving something important behind. I needed a touchstone of sorts.....Jackson had been a great BF and while we were never IN LOVE we were good friends and had a lot of affection for each other. and while it was good to see him - he was a cute and dashing as ever with dancing blue eyes and the same boyish grin - there was no going back for either of us....we had moved too far, changed too much. never saw him again.

CodeJob

So sorry you lost your kitty in such a sad and sudden way.

As for the BF thing, well you went 4 weeks NC, right? That is pretty great! Why not set a new goal? Peace.

Seren

Hello Carry, I'm sorry about your precious furbaby!! Sometimes, when we are really hurt and upset, the natural thing is to turn to what we feel is that one special person. It's a hard tendency to overcome, I think.

Please try not to beat yourself up too much, and hopefully you can allow yourself the time to make a decision that is right for you. You know all the facts....

jacrazz

Thats me, all the way!! And thats why i love your avitar Lilamy!! Sorry about your kitty. :-(

unsureoffuture

Oh no, how devastating! I am so sorry for your loss. Those furbabies are a part of the family and it is so painful to let them go. You were hurting and you reached out so don't beat yourself up over it. It is totally understandable.

Today is a new day and you can choose to do today what is best for you! Once the grief subsides you will begin to see things more clearly. You separated for a reason. Those problems are still there. For the time being just focus on yourself and allow yourself to grieve all the hurtful things in your life. Hugs!! You are not alone.

Hammer

Sorry on the cat.

Guess it had a good year with you.