Progress?
I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much, but my ABF and I had a decent talk via text (I know, not ideal, but he's at work) today that gives me a little glimmer. I know I shouldn't give too much weight to it because he's likely still upset that I'm sleeping on the couch and not giving him my undivided attention when he's home but I really hope he's being genuine...
Basically, I explained that I've totally lost myself and I'm trying to figure out how to be me and be in a relationship because my relationships always consume me until I have to abandon them for my own sanity. He asked how he could help.
I told him I didn't want to put it on him. But he said he knows he's been out of hand lately with drinking and stuff and he's going to work on that.
So I said I was happy to hear that. I've been sweeping it under the rug a lot and being too afraid to rock the boat, I told him I feel like I've been walking on eggshells when that topic comes up. And he said he understands and he knows he doesn't make it any easier but he will definitely work on it.
I told him how I struggle with feeling like it's personal or my own failure when he drinks and and how I feel like it's my responsibility to stop him, but I can't keep thinking like that. I told him I worry about him and I love him and I don't want to lose him. That I want us to have a long happy healthy life together and with the way things have been lately that's not going to happen and that it breaks my heart to see him hurting and abusing his body.
He said he feels he's been thinking only of his self lately and needs to think of my needs, too.
He said he misses me in bed and I just told him right now I need my own little space while I work through all of this and he said he'll give me my space until I'm ready to come back in.
I know I should be realistic and take it all with a grain of salt, but I'm really happy we were finally able to talk about it. I tried really hard to not accuse him of anything, to not blame him for any of it and to stay non-confrontational. He brought up his problems all on his own, so at least he's aware of what my beef is, even if he's been pretending to be clueless for the past few days.
Tomorrow is his Friday. He'll have three days off and had a really nice pay check with overtime this week, so we'll see how the rest of the week goes and if any of this conversation actually means anything to him.
I really hope it does.