Progress?

Old 06-02-2014, 06:02 PM
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Progress?

I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much, but my ABF and I had a decent talk via text (I know, not ideal, but he's at work) today that gives me a little glimmer. I know I shouldn't give too much weight to it because he's likely still upset that I'm sleeping on the couch and not giving him my undivided attention when he's home but I really hope he's being genuine...

Basically, I explained that I've totally lost myself and I'm trying to figure out how to be me and be in a relationship because my relationships always consume me until I have to abandon them for my own sanity. He asked how he could help.

I told him I didn't want to put it on him. But he said he knows he's been out of hand lately with drinking and stuff and he's going to work on that.

So I said I was happy to hear that. I've been sweeping it under the rug a lot and being too afraid to rock the boat, I told him I feel like I've been walking on eggshells when that topic comes up. And he said he understands and he knows he doesn't make it any easier but he will definitely work on it.

I told him how I struggle with feeling like it's personal or my own failure when he drinks and and how I feel like it's my responsibility to stop him, but I can't keep thinking like that. I told him I worry about him and I love him and I don't want to lose him. That I want us to have a long happy healthy life together and with the way things have been lately that's not going to happen and that it breaks my heart to see him hurting and abusing his body.

He said he feels he's been thinking only of his self lately and needs to think of my needs, too.

He said he misses me in bed and I just told him right now I need my own little space while I work through all of this and he said he'll give me my space until I'm ready to come back in.

I know I should be realistic and take it all with a grain of salt, but I'm really happy we were finally able to talk about it. I tried really hard to not accuse him of anything, to not blame him for any of it and to stay non-confrontational. He brought up his problems all on his own, so at least he's aware of what my beef is, even if he's been pretending to be clueless for the past few days.

Tomorrow is his Friday. He'll have three days off and had a really nice pay check with overtime this week, so we'll see how the rest of the week goes and if any of this conversation actually means anything to him.

I really hope it does.
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Old 06-02-2014, 07:03 PM
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One thing I learned from my relationship with my AXBF is to listen to the addict's actions and not their words. Talking can raise our hopes when we express our frustration and in response the addict tells us what we want to hear, but only actions can really demonstrate a dedication to recovery.

I'm sorry to say it, G, but from everything you said in your last post, I don't think he's done. The reassurance he gave you by text sounds kind of vague and not like a solid plan for recovery.

Time will tell more. Have you thought about going to Nar-Anon or Al-Anon? Face to face support can be so very helpful.
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Old 06-02-2014, 07:09 PM
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Originally Posted by jjj111 View Post
One thing I learned from my relationship with my AXBF is to listen to the addict's actions and not their words. Talking can raise our hopes when we express our frustration and in response the addict tells us what we want to hear, but only actions can really demonstrate a dedication to recovery.

I'm sorry to say it, G, but from everything you said in your last post, I don't think he's done. The reassurance he gave you by text sounds kind of vague and not like a solid plan for recovery.

Time will tell more. Have you thought about going to Nar-Anon or Al-Anon? Face to face support can be so very helpful.
Yes, I agree that words don't mean much to me any more. Though he never talks about anything, so the fact that we even talked about it means something to me. I know it's very possible that he could just be telling me what I want to hear, but at least I got what I wanted to say out while he's sober which isn't something I've ever really been able to do before.

I just looked up the meetings a little while ago and I think there is an Al-anon meeting on Wednesday that I'm going to go to. (It's listed as Alateen and AFG so I don't know if it's really appropriate for a 25 year-old with no kids, but I guess I'll find out!) Unfortunately there aren't any nar-anon meetings in any reasonable distance.

I definitely agree that only time will tell. I'm just choosing to be positive because I can't control what he chooses to do, only how I react to it.
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Old 06-02-2014, 07:14 PM
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Good for you, G, I think that's great that you have the courage to seek out an Al-Anon meeting! Your story touched me because I, too, grew up with addiction, in my case my parents were both alcoholics. I realized after getting involved in a very painful relationship with a cocaine addict that I had learned some habits as a kid dealing with my parents that ran very deep--that I had become a fixer and was getting a lot of my self worth from trying to rescue people. There is a better way to live. If you stick with it, I think Al-Anon will help you to take good care of yourself no matter what happens with the addicts in your life.
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Old 06-03-2014, 03:27 AM
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G,

I wanted to say I am glad you are seeking meetings!

If you can, take your eyes off of him, and focus on yourself- the meetings could be something you will love and find very helpful in dealing with whatever comes.. good or bad.

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Old 06-03-2014, 05:59 AM
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I'm afraid I have to agree with others "work on it" doesn't mean stop.
I know that as a former alcoholic, I'd say that to get the heat off me for awhile without
any solid benchmarks to show that I was stopping.

Get to some meetings and I think you will start to see the pattern more clearly
and how to best care for yourself.
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