Nuudawn

I went to the Alano club today. I'm not even sure why. I guess I figured I could find an answer there. All I wanted was a meeting schedule...or perhaps just someone to talk to. I found neither. There were two women arguing over something and another man just sitting there staring off into space. It suddenly seemed like a bad idea. I left.
I don't know what I need anymore. I can't seem to put together what I want to. I am depressed and And I can't seem to get on the right track. Scarier yet is how negative I feel about any attempt at recovery of anything.
My relationship is a crazy making disaster. I need to close my business. I need to find work that provides enough money for me to stop avoiding every number I don't recognize coming in on my phone.

I don't want to drink. I don't want to smoke. I don't want to keep fighting with a man who cannot be real or honest with me about anything. I feel like a fraud in life. I feel inauthentic and in some sort of alternate reality.

I drove to the river today. I was trying to find a space to collect my thoughts and find the motivation to keep some sort of bloody resolve. I put together a week...and then I drink...I put together another few days...and I drink.
And in the moment...I just don't care.
I can't get it together.

I want to do right...and I keep doing wrong. I feel like all I have ever wanted was love....and I never find it.
I just keep messing up over and over and over...

I sicken myself. I give up on myself....
I just keep making poor choices...thinking they are the right ones
..and ending up in failure.

I'm sorry...I'm just at my wit's end.
There doesn't seem to be any point.