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Wit's End?

Old 05-30-2014, 03:53 PM
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Wit's End?

I went to the Alano club today. I'm not even sure why. I guess I figured I could find an answer there. All I wanted was a meeting schedule...or perhaps just someone to talk to. I found neither. There were two women arguing over something and another man just sitting there staring off into space. It suddenly seemed like a bad idea. I left.
I don't know what I need anymore. I can't seem to put together what I want to. I am depressed and And I can't seem to get on the right track. Scarier yet is how negative I feel about any attempt at recovery of anything.
My relationship is a crazy making disaster. I need to close my business. I need to find work that provides enough money for me to stop avoiding every number I don't recognize coming in on my phone.

I don't want to drink. I don't want to smoke. I don't want to keep fighting with a man who cannot be real or honest with me about anything. I feel like a fraud in life. I feel inauthentic and in some sort of alternate reality.

I drove to the river today. I was trying to find a space to collect my thoughts and find the motivation to keep some sort of bloody resolve. I put together a week...and then I drink...I put together another few days...and I drink.
And in the moment...I just don't care.
I can't get it together.

I want to do right...and I keep doing wrong. I feel like all I have ever wanted was love....and I never find it.
I just keep messing up over and over and over...

I sicken myself. I give up on myself....
I just keep making poor choices...thinking they are the right ones
..and ending up in failure.

I'm sorry...I'm just at my wit's end.
There doesn't seem to be any point.
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Old 05-30-2014, 04:01 PM
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There's a lot of AV there Nuu - and not a lot of the strong confident funny woman I know and admire.

There's one thing you can do today and thats not drink or drug. And do the same tomorrow....and again...and again.

It may not solve any of your other problems but it will give you a sharper perception after a little while...and I think you'll also find an increased capacity then to help you deal with the other stuff.

You eat an elephant one bite at a time

*no pachyderms were harmed in the writing of this post

D
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Old 05-30-2014, 04:10 PM
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Staying sober means you won't add to the problems you already have.
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Old 05-30-2014, 04:14 PM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
It may not solve any of your other problems but it will give you a sharper perception after a little while...and I think you'll also find an increased capacity then to help you deal with the other stuff.
D
^^ this

I really understand the emotions and frustrations you spoke bout, ND.
It's all a bit much to handle.

So....to get a better handle can be made easier by having no booze long enough to get a clearer head. Then you can try tackling the other mess.

((((take care))))
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Old 05-30-2014, 04:26 PM
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Thank you Dee. I am full of self pity...and addiction residue today it seems.
I want clarity and hope back.
My mother just handed me something she wanted me to read...

And I share it now because it helped me...

"Sometimes we are on the verge of blossoming into a thousand flowers.
But we don't.
We are waiting. We are thinking, "Maybe tomorrow. I'm quite busy right now doing the same unsatisfying things I have been doing for years. Yep, pretty busy."
Or maybe we are afraid of what will happen if we open up.
We are afraid to leave a bad situation because we've forgotten what a good one even looks like for us.
We've gotten so used to a life surrounded by unhappiness that we've convinced ourselves it's normal. After all, everyone else's life looks life this too.
Somewhere along the way we stopped believing in our own strength and beauty.
We think we've lost it or maybe it was never really there.
And worst of all we've let someone else define who we are for us.
We've lost who we are so we'll believe whatever anyone else tells us, even if it makes us smaller ....angrier.

There are not enough voices telling us the truth. There are not enough voices to get through the mist that has gathered around our belief in ourselves.

Right now let me be that voice.
Right now let me tell you.
You are strong.
You are beautiful.
You are capable.
You are worthy.

You have made mistakes. You have lashed out. You have hidden your dreams, your light and your power.
These things are true.
These are things you have done. They are not you.
You are your dreams.
You are your light.
You are your power.
You are a miracle waiting to happen. You are a blessing waiting to be bestowed. You are an example of truth waiting to be spoken.
You are a thousand blossoms waiting to explode into colour, fragrance, delight and joy.
Don't let anyone hold you back.
Yes, you have been buried like all good seeds.
It's time to live.
It's time to open to the world, to the sun and to yourself.
You are on the verge of something
Astounding.
Bloom.

- Aaron Paquette

I have a good mom.
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Old 05-30-2014, 04:28 PM
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You do. She's a keeper

D
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Old 05-30-2014, 04:28 PM
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Thank you Lethe...for the empathy.
This has to be the end today...I want out of the dark cloud of my own defeat and self pity.
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Old 05-30-2014, 04:30 PM
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Thank you for being one of "those voices" Dee.
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Old 05-30-2014, 04:31 PM
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That is just beautiful, Nuudawn. If you don't mind, I'm going to copy that and send it to someone. (((HUGS)))
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Old 05-30-2014, 04:33 PM
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Please do Suki. It's the loveliest thing I've read in a long time. I needed it today and I'm sure someone else could.
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Old 05-30-2014, 04:46 PM
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Hi Nuudawn,

Your post sounds exactly like me. The small details may be a little different, but the bullet points are the same. It was overwhelming and seemingly insurmountable. All of it.
But I can tell you that once I had a significant amount of sober time, all of those issues eventually resolved. It did not happen overnight, and it did not happen all at once. But it did happen. I needed to be sober to be able get my life back. That was the first and only thing I needed to do.
And if I can do it, then you absolutely can do it.
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Old 05-30-2014, 04:53 PM
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Thanks for the posts, you inspire me. In my bed on day 1 and thinking about my life and how the hell I ended up so deep in my self dig hole.

Hope things get better for you, hang on to your mom!
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Old 05-30-2014, 04:54 PM
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I missed you terribly NuuDawn but this is life and we all have to find our own way. You have the "want" or you wouldn't be here right now. You already know too that you're in the right place, where people understand and really care. You have this in you, you just have to find it.
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Old 05-30-2014, 04:57 PM
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Originally Posted by Nuudawn View Post

Right now let me be that voice.
Right now let me tell you.
You are strong.
You are beautiful.
You are capable.
You are worthy.



--I have a good mom.
oh my ..yes, you have a good mom.

what a beautiful poem. So true, too.

You've done this before. You can do it again. Somehow, someway, the right
mind-set will come to you soon.
Just remember to reach out, cause we're all still here for you.
Our hands and shoulders and ears ...and yes, our love and believing in you.

xoox and cheers,
Lethe <--not usually mushy but was provoked to allow my heart to feel more here on this thread as I remember you here many many months ago.
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Old 05-30-2014, 07:17 PM
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I'm so sorry you are having a rough time Nu. Like Dee said this isn't the Nu we know. You are deep in AV territory here. The Nu I remember is very capable and really good at cutting through the crap in a humorous cool way.
Love that article your mom gave you

Or maybe we are afraid of what will happen if we open up.
We are afraid to leave a bad situation because we've forgotten what a good one even looks like for us.
We've gotten so used to a life surrounded by unhappiness that we've convinced ourselves it's normal. After all, everyone else's life looks life this too.
Somewhere along the way we stopped believing in our own strength and beauty.
We think we've lost it or maybe it was never really there.
And worst of all we've let someone else define who we are for us.
We've lost who we are so we'll believe whatever anyone else tells us, even if it makes us smaller ....angrier.

There are not enough voices telling us the truth. There are not enough voices to get through the mist that has gathered around our belief in ourselves.


Get back here woman!
I am sharing with you the latest song I seem to be stuck on


The Moody Blues - The Voice 1982 - YouTube
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Old 05-30-2014, 07:26 PM
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I'm sorry to hear about that Nuu. I have missed you. Praying for you.
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Old 05-30-2014, 07:33 PM
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(((Nuudawn)))

Thanks for sharing your troubles with us. We are behind you. And I love the poem too. It is true.
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Old 05-30-2014, 08:33 PM
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Grace and Silent...something about your words hit something in me. If I get back here...stay here...share my troubles....stay in this community...I gotta shot.
I have a community here. I have support. I forgot how much this place helped me when I actually pulled up a chair and believed in it.

You were here...so many of you.
Thank you Ladyblue and thank you Raider. I'm sooo glad you are still here...still strong.

I don't think I realize how much I needed this place and the people in it. There is a great gift here...there is magic.
Magic is where you conjure a belief into being.
This place conjures sobriety into actually being...if you let it in.
If you lean back when you are weak...if you really lean into it...
there's always somebody here to say just the right thing.
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Old 05-30-2014, 08:51 PM
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Nuudawn... you and I have walked this path again and again for some time now. I know its hard to remember, when you are in the thick of things, that this too shall pass. Everything you are feeling right now might not feel the same tomorrow. We both know that Drinking wont help anything, its our addictive voice which lies to us saying how much better we will feel with a few in us....and its never true, and its never just a few. Pick yourself up again, and keep walking your good path. Its progress, not perfection.
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Old 05-30-2014, 08:53 PM
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I love you woman. I don't have any new advice for you...I can just promise you that staying sober does get easier over time. And that we do get better. You have a total purpose here. That my friend, is the whole point <3 Hugs and prayers!
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