I relate to you, KTF. I've lived with alcoholism for a long time; I've done Al-Anon for many years and if I were to measure my satisfaction with life in general, it would be very high. I love life. I am very lucky in many ways.
Is living with alcoholism easy? No way. Sure we can "detach with love" and that's how people like you and I have grown. But honestly, at a certain point, you see the isolation, and it creeps in. I am starting to count the things that are difficult for me to do (not impossible, just difficult) because I have this third party (Mr. Al K. Hall) around my neck. It's not around MY neck per se, it's around AH's, but we ARE married, and when I realize that he cares more about his addictions than he does about his family, it makes me wonder about whether I can call our relationship a marriage. A marriage is an agreement between two people. So if you agree that he can drink as much as he wants, no matter what the impact upon you and your family, you may be happily married. But if those agreements are being broken all the time, what is the point of being married?
I am not beating up on you--I AM you. These are the questions I ask myself. And my kids are adult now, so that's not the excuse. And I am the breadwinner, so that's not the excuse.
I tell myself, well, I know a family where the husband has to be the caregiver for a wife who is schizophrenic. Is there a corollary here or not? I guess I feel that there is, and that's where my motivation often comes from. He's mentally ill, he's mean at times, loving at times, but he's just sick. So at this moment, I choose to be a caregiver.
Today he accused me of deleting his text messages, while he was writing them. Then he told the kids that I'm now editing his emails--"elder abuse" he called it. Of course that's ridiculous. So I took a book and sat outside in the beautiful sun and read. I used to feel that kind of peace at my greataunt's beach cottage. I spent my summer's there--my mother, in her wisdom, gave me that oasis from my father's alcoholism.
I wonder if that oasis is where I need to be now. Or can I find it in the moments between. These are just thoughts. Take what you like, and leave the rest.