he's going downhill

Old 05-25-2014, 08:21 AM
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he's going downhill

DS7 and I are doing well. Taking care of ourselves and are having a good weekend. My husband is going downhill. I pray that he finds guidance and is receptive to help.
Any prayers are very welcome, especially over the next few days.

ktf
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Old 05-25-2014, 08:26 AM
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I just noticed that you joined here almost 10 years ago, WOW!!! that is a long time to live with this kind of person. Your son wasn't even born yet?

I hope that you have the strength to get yourself and your child to a better life than this constant terrible worry and turmoil...You deserve better.
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Old 05-25-2014, 08:41 AM
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So sorry to hear this KTF. I do he finds the courage to pull himself up. Please take good care of you and your son.

Hugs
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Old 05-25-2014, 05:17 PM
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Originally Posted by Fandy View Post
I just noticed that you joined here almost 10 years ago, WOW!!! that is a long time to live with this kind of person. Your son wasn't even born yet?

I hope that you have the strength to get yourself and your child to a better life than this constant terrible worry and turmoil...You deserve better.
Fandy, we all have the right to take our own paths. I don't need to know all the answers right now, and I'm not the same person I was 10 years ago, or even 10 days ago. One day at a time is fine by me. It took me a long time to start working the steps, but they do work.

We've been married for 27 years, have been through the death of our first child and have four more wonderful children. Our oldest son is married, our daughter is married, another son graduated high school a year ago, and the seven year old -- plus one grandbaby.

Since he went to rehab in December, and even more so since he got out, we've both been learning a lot. With each of the relapses there's been more to learn. More will be revealed. It's not on any given time frame. It's not my place to tell his story, of which he's barely starting to understand. When we fall down and struggle to get back up, we continue to learn more.
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Old 05-25-2014, 05:23 PM
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My husband met with some men from his AA group today. He's still drinking. It wasn't easy to get him there and he almost didn't get out of the car, but they understand him. They know exactly what he's feeling right now. It was good. He's going to spend tomorrow afternoon with one of them and then they'll go to their AA meeting.
Baby steps. A part of him wants to keep drinking. A part of him wants more out of life. He's been doing a whole lot of thinking. I've been giving him support, no judgement, no pity, just here. He thinks he's a worthless piece of sh*t. He isn't. He is worthy of love and compassion. He's still not considering rehab, but we're taking it one day at a time. This morning I didn't think he'd even be at this place, mentally. I'm praying, listening, using my instincts.

We took our son to a quiet park, then played at a couple other places outdoors on the way home. He ran, played, had a great time. We had quiet time, but also played with him.
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Old 05-25-2014, 06:02 PM
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KTF, My prayers are always there for you.

Fandy, Ten years ain't nothin'! I don't know about you, but for many of us this is not a linear journey. I believe Albert Einstein would have done well to spend his years studying how those of us involved with addiction have learned how to bend time and space.
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Old 05-25-2014, 07:36 PM
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SK, thank you!

I've been reading a bunch of bits and pieces from Einstein lately and just put in a couple hours of me-work. I'm so relaxed, energized, happy and at peace. I'm profoundly aware of the goodness in the world in spite of the hardships. Speaking of time, have you read about Chronos and Kairos?

My journey is not my husband's journey. His is not mine. And yet I am here with him and life is good. Sometimes I am stressed because I'm human. There's no shame in that. I'm with him by choice, not because there are no choices.
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Old 05-25-2014, 07:59 PM
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I'm with him by choice, not because there are no choices.
I sincerely hope this is true. I always believed the same until I went to therapy. There I learned so much about myself. My choices were based on fear, obligation and guilt. Nothing about being married to an addict was close to being a good, mutual or respectful partnership for me. Jmho
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Old 05-25-2014, 08:29 PM
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This part is very clear to me, where for so long it wasn't. It's good to have the alternate input.
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Old 05-26-2014, 11:57 AM
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Originally Posted by SeriousKarma View Post
KTF, My prayers are always there for you.

Fandy, Ten years ain't nothin'! I don't know about you, but for many of us this is not a linear journey. I believe Albert Einstein would have done well to spend his years studying how those of us involved with addiction have learned how to bend time and space.
10 years is a big chunk of MY life....I decided that I had enough after 6 years, I had the rest of MY life to live and my daughter...and it took me 3 years to get a divorce and divide the property...I never regretted EVER leaving and I did not miss the stupid craziness, wasteful garbage and controlling anger....it took quite a while to get over it...
Now he is dead 4 years, I think that he died of stupidity and his addiction...but the addiction is the gift that keeps on giving....I still have issues and so does my 33 year old daughter.

I have been sober about 3 years...my daughter not so much. I got out from him in 1987, snork.
sorry, but I just think we all have to put self-preservation and that of the kids first...Best of luck keeping it all together cos he sure isn't doing it.

I hope that AA works for him and he decides to get sober, it seems that you want to take the ride.
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Old 05-26-2014, 01:18 PM
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in ten years we will see 3 presidential elections.....a cedar tree will grow between 10 and 20 feet....the continents of north America and Europe drift farther apart by about 10 inches thru continental drift.

ten years with active addiction is a LONG time for anyone - addict, loved one and especially CHILD. their most formative years spent learning how to navigate around the addict in their home. staying LONGER really shouldn't be seen as a badge of courage. we aren't here to one up each other on how much we endured.....but do celebrate our growth and desire to no longer let addiction define us.
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Old 05-26-2014, 02:04 PM
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keepingthe faith--I don't see anyone coming to this site because life is "so good".

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Old 05-26-2014, 02:30 PM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
keepingthe faith--I don't see anyone coming to this site because life is "so good".

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Because I've been coming to this site and have learned how to work on me, heal and grow, life IS good.

Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
staying LONGER really shouldn't be seen as a badge of courage. we aren't here to one up each other on how much we endured.....but do celebrate our growth and desire to no longer let addiction define us.
I'm sorry you took that as a "badge of courage". It is LIFE. It is a journey, not a race. I'm feeling badgered here for having made progress slowly and frankly, I don't deserve that. If by any chance you were celebrating my growth, thanks. It seems by some of these comments that if I'm not leaving my husband, then I'm a target here. That is NOT acceptable.
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Old 05-26-2014, 02:36 PM
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Maybe it's good to be pushed because I can see clearly the things I'm doing and have done right for myself and our children. Yes, I have screwed up plenty. I'm human. I'm also a good mother, a loving person, strong, smart and am finding a lot of good in life, in people, in the future and better yet, in the present. THIS is how I've grown here.
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Old 05-26-2014, 04:05 PM
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Time's funny stuff, Pete – a lot funnier than Einstein ever figured out.
Ever have emotions from long ago come back, raw and fresh like it just happened?

My husband and I have had some good talks today, although it's heartbreaking to see him hurting so much. It just now, finally, dawned on me. He was doing great the weekend before last when we were visiting our oldest son and his family. Really connected with our grandson, who was smiling and laughing with grandpa (AH) and that connection was charming everyone. The next week at home is when he started spiraling, and fast, and the more he screws up, the more he screws up... This is the first time my husband has seen our grandson since the day he was born. He's only a few weeks older than our son was when he died. It took me this long to see, with him opening up to me, that he's grieving for our firstborn son.

I could tell he was hurting, but didn't know what was going on. He finally managed to say enough today that things started to click.
He's been burying his emotions all his life. He has choices to make each day. We both know he's been making very poor ones, so you don't need to beat up him up over that. He's doing plenty of that already. I pray this week he will talk with the people at rehab and be open to what they have to say.
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Old 05-26-2014, 05:35 PM
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I relate to you, KTF. I've lived with alcoholism for a long time; I've done Al-Anon for many years and if I were to measure my satisfaction with life in general, it would be very high. I love life. I am very lucky in many ways.

Is living with alcoholism easy? No way. Sure we can "detach with love" and that's how people like you and I have grown. But honestly, at a certain point, you see the isolation, and it creeps in. I am starting to count the things that are difficult for me to do (not impossible, just difficult) because I have this third party (Mr. Al K. Hall) around my neck. It's not around MY neck per se, it's around AH's, but we ARE married, and when I realize that he cares more about his addictions than he does about his family, it makes me wonder about whether I can call our relationship a marriage. A marriage is an agreement between two people. So if you agree that he can drink as much as he wants, no matter what the impact upon you and your family, you may be happily married. But if those agreements are being broken all the time, what is the point of being married?

I am not beating up on you--I AM you. These are the questions I ask myself. And my kids are adult now, so that's not the excuse. And I am the breadwinner, so that's not the excuse.

I tell myself, well, I know a family where the husband has to be the caregiver for a wife who is schizophrenic. Is there a corollary here or not? I guess I feel that there is, and that's where my motivation often comes from. He's mentally ill, he's mean at times, loving at times, but he's just sick. So at this moment, I choose to be a caregiver.

Today he accused me of deleting his text messages, while he was writing them. Then he told the kids that I'm now editing his emails--"elder abuse" he called it. Of course that's ridiculous. So I took a book and sat outside in the beautiful sun and read. I used to feel that kind of peace at my greataunt's beach cottage. I spent my summer's there--my mother, in her wisdom, gave me that oasis from my father's alcoholism.

I wonder if that oasis is where I need to be now. Or can I find it in the moments between. These are just thoughts. Take what you like, and leave the rest.
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Old 05-26-2014, 07:01 PM
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Hi,

I don't see anyone beating you up. People are being honest with you. You are not new to this. I remember writing something months ago to you when you were going to therapy or getting help for yourself when he was going downhill then, you made a realization about the negative effects to your older kids about growing up with his alcoholism. I was happy for you to break through and see that. I remember you didn't like what I wrote, and that is okay. But, I was really happy for you to see what's up.

These ladies are just helping you, not trying to hurt you. Sometimes when we hear something that stings, it is because we are not ready to accept the reality of our situation and are still trying to manipulate a certain outcome even though we might not realize it at the time.

You still have a 7 year old at home. You made the realization that AH's alcoholism hurt your older kids. What about the younger one? Do you think he is exempt for the pain of living with an A? What can you do different, since you know better now?

I am on your side. If you want to brainstorm ideas, I am willing to help.
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Old 05-26-2014, 10:19 PM
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Right now I am going by prayer and instinct. I'm living in the moment, for today. Nothing is in my control, I'm no longer trying to fix anything, and I'm having profound realizations of faith. Life is far from perfect and yet I've never felt so at peace.

I've written about a lot of different things I've gone through, and my viewpoint seems to be often changing. Each viewpoint reveals some of the truth, but not all of it. His alcoholism has hurt the kids, my illnesses have also hurt them and yet there has been much good that's come from our family. Our story is far from over. Progress, not perfection.

I truly don't expect anyone to understand as I don't even know how write about this. I do sincerely appreciate ALL the support, the caring and the prayers.
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Old 05-26-2014, 11:06 PM
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Well, KTF, I'm proud of you for standing up and calling people out here. Sometimes it's not what you say, it's how you say it. I'm hearing some valid points here, but I also think that not everyone here is right all of the time. There really isn't just one right viewpoint. These ideas we share are so frequently just opinions. In fact, being the validation junky that I am, I've been thinking of writing a post to see what people think about something, but I've been on SR long enough to know what I think people will say and what I want to hear them say. It makes me wonder if I really need to come here for validation. It makes me feel a little dreadful thinking that I might get told that I am not thinking the right thoughts or acting the right way.
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Old 05-26-2014, 11:26 PM
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I grew up with an alcoholic father, my mum always forgave him. I thought I had to get men who treat me bad, not hit me or anything, but no loyalty, liars, cheaters, my dad's cheating was with the bottle. He was a lovely man, fantastic dad when sober and we all forgave him the alcoholic in him until the next time.

It took me to the age of 54 years of following his footsteps to stop drinking. My role model, I loved my dad, sadly he's passed away, he mellowed as he got older. My mum said to me 'how can you drink seeing what it's done to our family with your dad'. I got mixed messages all my life but the fog, for me is lifting, slowly.
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