Back at day one.
Trip sucked. Just about 2000 miles in the car with two kids.
The AC broke on the second day. Youngest threw up all over the car twice wed night on the way home. I drank a few times while I was gone, and I drank last night. I didn't drink enough to get real drunk or have hangovers. It would be easy for me to feel proud that I have been "controlling" myself but I would be lying to myself . I know it's like Russian roulette and I haven't magically learned how to drink normal. Every time I drank, I wanted to drink more than I did. Luckily I was able to stop myself. Luck, more than self control. And what is the point of drinking if I am left feeling unsatisfied? Honestly, I wanted to get wasted and forget about everything.
My mom has been bleeding out of two places in her colon. They did a biopsy but don't have the results. So they don't know exactly what they are yet but she lost a lot of blood today, and they are doing laparoscopy again and will try to cauterize them. This is happening right now. If it does not work they will remove part of her colon. This is on top of her liver and kidneys not working. I am a nervous wreck. I hope to God the cauterization works and I hope that it is not cancer. My poor dad. He has so much guilt. She was sick for a long time and he couldn't make her go to the doctor. He tried. But he now wishes he would've some how forced her. I have the same guilt. But no one imagined it was this bad and when she went down hill she went fast. I wish there was more. I could do. I am relieved that they are now in one of the worlds best hospitals but there is only so much that can be done.
I like to drink when I'm stressed. I can't do that anymore. I'm starting over. Thank you everyone for the support. Maybe if I would've taken the time to log on here more during the past week I wouldn't have made bad decisions. If I would've just stopped and thought about it and talked about the urge instead of acting on it.
I'm still way out of the loop on the thread but hopefully within the next few days or so. I can make time to read up on how things are going,