FT, TiredEnough, MamaHawk, Everyone: I really really appreciate all of your words and advice and I'm hearing what you're saying, and soaking it in like medicine. It is really helping me... I'm not just saying that. A special note to Mamahawk... like FT said, thank you so much for trying to help me when you are battling yourself. Day 5! Amazing! You make me feel like I can do it, because you are doing it!
So last night was the stereotypical addict "I guess I'm quitting so I guess I need one final binge" night. I took 15 hydro 10/325 yesterday combined with 1 oxy 30. I was supposed to be tapering mind you. I have not tapered at all these last 2 weeks, to the contrary I creshendo'ed up to 15 yesterday. For what? Just to make the next days harder.
But despite yesterday, and almost in spite of yesterday, my resolve today was strong to push forward. I've moved to a two-day taper plan because I'm still quitting on May 23rd no matter what, so I decided to put my game face on today and start the battle. Seriously. Before I say how today went, I just want to note that yesterday I was popping hydros like candy and the scary thing was, I wasn't feeling any high at any point. That's why I got to 15. And still no high. That scares me. I want off this drug.
So today I have stuck to my plan of 6 (less than half of yesterday - I'm at 4 as of this writing which is on-track). I suffered withdrawals today, but I did not medicate it, even though I was at work. I'd say I was at a 5 on a scale of 1 -10. Today I had the sweats and severe gas and gastrointestinal distress. The blessing was today was a paperwork day and not a lot of interaction with others.
Tomorrow the plan is 3. Friday the plan is 0. Zero. I pray to God I will be well on Tuesday and if I am, I am seriously considering throwing the pills away. I'm not committing to that yet, but your comments moved me from "absolutely not" to "probably yes" so don't think you're not affecting me.
The problem with calling out Tuesday and Wednesday is that I'm low in sick leave. I think I have 2 days - so if I need to, yes, I can call out sick those days... I'm just really trying to avoid it.
I want off of these pills more than I think some of you think I do. Thank you again.