Asm, I think the pivot point here is NOT whether or not he is or is not drinking, intending to drink, stopping drinking, starting drinking, etc.
It is how you feel when you are within his orbit. And how you need to feel on your own, as a separate person with the full right to live your life as you want and need to.
My fear is that if I stay with him, I will not even know who I am in a few years. It seems like a little bit of me is gone each time this happens.
That is a huge thing to say. It is about your self-esteem, in fact, your identity. What you have said, in many different ways, in many different posts, is that you are not yourself when he is with you and/or influencing you.
I haven't posted for quite a while, but almost 2 years ago I ran away from my then alcoholic abusive cross addicted husband, snuck out of the house with only my dog and a clothes basket of clothes. I have learned so much as I've found myself again after losing me in my 20 year marriage.
If you read the sticky above by English Garden "What Is Abuse?", my story is there, and in some ways, it is the extrapolation forward into time of what you are suggesting is happening to you now.
It is so hard to get clear in our heads about who we are and who he (s/he) is. I held myself back from realizing what was going on - - here are some of the reasons I found it so hard to leave him.
- The ever-present hope we carry that "this time he will mean what he says and it will be different",
- The ever present guilt "If only I knew how to behave right, he wouldn't have to be so angry/disappointed/whatever and drink, so it must be my fault",
- The ever present belief that we are responsible and acccountable for someone else's behavior "I could and should fix this for him because I am his wife/husband, friend, parent and I love him"
- The all too hidden belief that we are more omnipotent than anyone really is "I know what's best for him and he is ruining himself and I must fix him"
Abusers, my experience, go through cycles of behavior toward their abusees; these cycles only become apparent in hindsight.
- First is the honeymoon, when you are thrilled and overwhelmed with the love and attention you are given.
- Then is the disenchantment; he is not quite as happy with you as he hoped he'd be.
- Then is the beginning of blame; you must be doing something wrong if he is not as happy as he deserves and he feels the ever more vociferous need to tell you how you are wrong.
- And the corollary is that he feels entitled to drink/gamble/drug/whatever because of your failures.
- Then this cycle deepens and the blame becomes bitter and abusive and you sink into self-blame and despair and his negative behavior increases exponentially, including abuse of his drug-of-choice and abuse of you.
- Finally, at the crescendo of this, you realize how self-destructive it is and start to protest, to say "no more".
- He becomes afraid of losing you, of losing you as his outlet for his internal rage, of losing the comfortable enabled living style you are probably providing him, and
- He says he's sorry; he says he'll change; he says he didn't mean it.
- And you believe him and let him back, into your house, into your life, and into your heart, and
- It is the second honeymoon beginning.
I have learned so much since I've been on my own for almost 2 years. The more time that goes by, the more I can see my role in who I became, and I can see who I want and need to become. The only thing that got me there is being alone. Without him. Without him in my house, in my life, and most importantly, without him in my head, which was and is the most difficult thing of all.
ShootingStar1