Head Case: What to do???!!!???

Old 05-17-2014, 02:19 PM
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Head Case: What to do???!!!???

Ok, so today my husband was coming over to pick up the girls and called on the way over. He sternly told me how much he loves me and he doesn't want us to divorce and that he isn't a bad person and wants to make this work. My feeling for him are so confused right now and I know that we have been down this path 50,000 times and we always end up so far apart that it isn't worth being together.

When he got here, he followed me up the steps and nicely but strongly hugged me and said he doesn't want this. I felt something in me soften but is it just my guilt or was there a little bit of love? But then we were talking about the drinking and he said that he hasn't drank in 3 weeks and has no side effects. I said so are you going to drink again? He said, very little if I do. Maybe bring a 6 pack home and when its gone, its gone. But he did agree not to drink again if it would keep me. I guess part of me is going, even if there is a bit of love left in me, what does it matter. He has tried to control the drinking for years and it never ever holds up.

He wants to come over and talk tonight. I thought, well maybe I should let him. See if I have any feelings of love for him but then I keep going back to, what does it matter if he really thinks he can control it again? Controlling it never worked in the past and he is not in a formal treatment program. Just a church support group.

What is wrong with me. Why can't I make a decision and stick with it? Why do I keep second guessing myself?
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Old 05-17-2014, 02:25 PM
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What if he isn't an alcoholic and I am willing to throw it all away because I have a problem with his drinking?
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Old 05-17-2014, 02:25 PM
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Most likely you "just" want to Love and Be Loved.

We all do, right?

B U T an A Loves their Alcohol.

Really he has a No-No Choice.

No Alcohol OR No You.

but IF You do want to Love and Be Loved . . . you are not going to find that with an active A.

(nor temp A, like he is hoping for, nor dry drunk A, nor . . . . )

THIS is why so many SUCCESSFUL Alanoners go OFF the A for year, You work YOUR Program, He works HIS Program, and by then you all may have something to work with. Or not.
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Old 05-17-2014, 02:35 PM
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Originally Posted by Hammer View Post
THIS is why so many SUCCESSFUL Alanoners go OFF the A for year, You work YOUR Program, He works HIS Program, and by then you all may have something to work with. Or not.
He is not in AA or any type of treatment program.

What if he isn't an alcoholic?

He is talking about not keeping a case of beer in the house but buying buy the 6 pack so he can't over drink. How long till this changes to two 6 packs or a case?
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Old 05-17-2014, 02:37 PM
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How many times have you heard these same promises? It seems you're about ready to go. Stand strong in your resolve. It's going to be the same old stuff.
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Old 05-17-2014, 02:41 PM
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You know in your heart he isn't going to quit.
You keep telling us that, but then he talks you around.

So you go back. Then he drinks again. Maybe not badly for a few weeks or months, but it will escalate as it always does. Then what?

Trust yourself, not his empty words.
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Old 05-17-2014, 02:55 PM
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I don't know your whole story but I'm guessing whether he's admitted to having a drinking problem or not, you think he does and his drinking causes problems for you. Lets face it, if you didn't think it was a problem you wouldn't be posting here! Don't let him manipulate you into thinking that how you feel about his drinking isn't justified...you left him for a reason...don't let his words suffocate your inner voice, it's been telling you the truth all along!

People always think of divorce as the end but in reality what does it really mean? It just means by law you are no longer legally associated with another person. And just because you divorce someone doesn't mean you can't get remarried to them again or decide to live together again or move the heck away from them. Why are you putting so much pressure on yourself to make this decision right now? I have always found that time works wonders at clarifying situations. Detachment from him would probably work wonders in helping you listen to your inner voice again and make your decision!

Good Luck!!
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Old 05-17-2014, 03:00 PM
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asm---It doesn't matter if the word is "alcoholic" or not. If the drinking is a problem for you--then it is a problem. Many alcoholics go to the grave and declare that alcohol is not a problem--that they can control it--and that they are NOT an alcoholic.

I suggest that you put the reasons that you want to leave the marriage on an index card and tuck it in your pocket o r bra. It is easy to become overwhelmed and unable to "think" when confronted by someone who is trying to convince you to stay with the status-quo when you don't want to. Having your reasons and "talking points" helps. It is often their goal to "confuse" you--overwhelm you--and get you off balance.

You don't require his permission or agreement for the decisions you make for your own well being. You just feel like you do. He would like you to believe that you do. But, you dont!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You might do a search (blue bar at the top of the main F&F of alcoholics page---"10ways to tell when and addict or alcoholic is full of crap". Posted by Cynical One. Excellent reading for you, right now!!

If you can't find it--ask for help and we will assist you.

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Old 05-17-2014, 03:00 PM
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You said in one of your first posts:

My fear is that if I stay with him, I will not even know who I am in a few years. It seems like a little bit of me is gone each time this happens.
When you are on your own, you seem to be very clear that you've been on this merry-go-round for too long and that you're done. When you talk to him, all of a sudden you're not so sure.

In which situation do you think the real you is in control of your thinking?
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Old 05-17-2014, 03:07 PM
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It doesn't matter if he is an "alcoholic" or not. His drinking is causing problems in the marriage. From everything I've read of your posts, he is abusive regardless of weather or not he is addicted to alcohol. He is "forceful" when the real word for it is abusive.

We cannot tell you what to do, but we can read your posts and recognize things that maybe you are just too close to the situation to see. All I can say is take the utmost care of yourself and your children. Don't let him "force" you to do something you don't feel comfortable with.

Change is hard, but if you want anything to change, you are going to have to be the one to do it.
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Old 05-17-2014, 03:58 PM
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Originally Posted by asm505 View Post
He sternly told me how much he loves me and he doesn't want us to divorce and that he isn't a bad person and wants to make this work.
Originally Posted by asm505 View Post
said he doesn't want this.
Originally Posted by asm505 View Post
He wants to come over and talk tonight.
Did he at any time ask what you want? So far it looks like it's all about him...
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Old 05-17-2014, 06:22 PM
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You guys are all right. I just had a few hour talk with a friend that has known the ins and outs of our relationship and while she won't tell me what to do she thinks me getting away from him would be best. Even if alcohol isn't involved he isn't the partner that I need. And based on his behavior, 2 weeks ago he was an alcoholic and couldn't control the drinking, now he can have a 6 pack here and there, I see where this is leading. I told him I am done and I need to stick with that. Look forward. Look to the future and move on to happier times. Nothing will change if I stay besides me. If I change anymore I won't recognize myself any longer.
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Old 05-17-2014, 07:12 PM
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asm, I read your very first post you posted here and you know what? When I read that you let him back in and he threw his feet up and cracked a beer, I wanted to secretly shake the hell out of you and say, Wake up Girlfriend!!!

You know what? He is turning on the charm til you give in and say, Sure babe, come back! and the cycle starts all over? I mean, wht the hell should he change when you just left him back in? He's not going to because he knows if he turns the charm on, it's only a matter of time til he turns into an alcoholic a$$hole because the kids are being kids, you're upset because he doesn't respect you and he's mad because you're cutting into his drinking time.

I promise you if you stick to your guns, you will see the same drunk you refuse back into your life. Alcoholism is progressive and my husband played the game of, one drink won't hurt and this bottle will be different and it can't be played like that. That is their wishful thinking. They need help. Professional help and you know what? They have to want it for themselves and no one else for it to work.

I urge you to stay the course and give yourself a year on your own. Heal from this man and the chaos he has stricken upon you and your family. You will find yourself again and I'd lay money down that you will fall in love with yourself and respect yourself and want more for yourself by letting that man take care of himself, even if he doesn't. You will find yourself. Your girls will also grow into more beautiful flowers by getting away from the poison of alcoholism.
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Old 05-17-2014, 07:19 PM
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If he's talking about a 6 pack now and then, he's not anywhere close to recovery. We alcoholics who have accepted what we are know that we can never drink again.
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Old 05-17-2014, 07:45 PM
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Its so hard because I know he is hurting and I don't want to do that. He is doing everything to make me feel bad right now. I just can't do this anymore. This rollercoaster has to stop. If I don't stop it now, I fear I will be on it forever and just become a bitter person.
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Old 05-17-2014, 08:17 PM
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He's hurting himself. His hurt will stop when he's had enough self pity and loathing. He did this to your family.
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Old 05-18-2014, 08:33 AM
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Originally Posted by FeelingGreat View Post
If he's talking about a 6 pack now and then, he's not anywhere close to recovery. We alcoholics who have accepted what we are know that we can never drink again.
Controlled drinking is a fantasy for alcoholics. My ex had the same fantasy. "If you come back I won't drink anymore...except if we get a bottle of wine, or maybe a beer sometimes."
We let it become our fantasy if we fall for it. Tell ourselves that he can handle it, this time will be different. That is a recipe for disappointment, because we expect something that they only wish they were capable of delivering.
Alcoholism is an all or nothing proposition. They are either drinking and progressing to the end stage of the disease, or they are sober. Zero alcohol. Not even a glass of champagne at a wedding or a beer after mowing the lawn. Because that one drink leads back to wherever the disease left them last time.
Hugs.
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Old 05-18-2014, 09:51 AM
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Asm, I think the pivot point here is NOT whether or not he is or is not drinking, intending to drink, stopping drinking, starting drinking, etc.

It is how you feel when you are within his orbit. And how you need to feel on your own, as a separate person with the full right to live your life as you want and need to.

My fear is that if I stay with him, I will not even know who I am in a few years. It seems like a little bit of me is gone each time this happens.

That is a huge thing to say. It is about your self-esteem, in fact, your identity. What you have said, in many different ways, in many different posts, is that you are not yourself when he is with you and/or influencing you.

I haven't posted for quite a while, but almost 2 years ago I ran away from my then alcoholic abusive cross addicted husband, snuck out of the house with only my dog and a clothes basket of clothes. I have learned so much as I've found myself again after losing me in my 20 year marriage.

If you read the sticky above by English Garden "What Is Abuse?", my story is there, and in some ways, it is the extrapolation forward into time of what you are suggesting is happening to you now.

It is so hard to get clear in our heads about who we are and who he (s/he) is. I held myself back from realizing what was going on - - here are some of the reasons I found it so hard to leave him.
  • The ever-present hope we carry that "this time he will mean what he says and it will be different",
  • The ever present guilt "If only I knew how to behave right, he wouldn't have to be so angry/disappointed/whatever and drink, so it must be my fault",
  • The ever present belief that we are responsible and acccountable for someone else's behavior "I could and should fix this for him because I am his wife/husband, friend, parent and I love him"
  • The all too hidden belief that we are more omnipotent than anyone really is "I know what's best for him and he is ruining himself and I must fix him"
Abusers, my experience, go through cycles of behavior toward their abusees; these cycles only become apparent in hindsight.
  • First is the honeymoon, when you are thrilled and overwhelmed with the love and attention you are given.
  • Then is the disenchantment; he is not quite as happy with you as he hoped he'd be.
  • Then is the beginning of blame; you must be doing something wrong if he is not as happy as he deserves and he feels the ever more vociferous need to tell you how you are wrong.
  • And the corollary is that he feels entitled to drink/gamble/drug/whatever because of your failures.
  • Then this cycle deepens and the blame becomes bitter and abusive and you sink into self-blame and despair and his negative behavior increases exponentially, including abuse of his drug-of-choice and abuse of you.
  • Finally, at the crescendo of this, you realize how self-destructive it is and start to protest, to say "no more".
  • He becomes afraid of losing you, of losing you as his outlet for his internal rage, of losing the comfortable enabled living style you are probably providing him, and
  • He says he's sorry; he says he'll change; he says he didn't mean it.
  • And you believe him and let him back, into your house, into your life, and into your heart, and
  • It is the second honeymoon beginning.

I have learned so much since I've been on my own for almost 2 years. The more time that goes by, the more I can see my role in who I became, and I can see who I want and need to become. The only thing that got me there is being alone. Without him. Without him in my house, in my life, and most importantly, without him in my head, which was and is the most difficult thing of all.

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Old 05-20-2014, 01:17 AM
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If I followed my heart in stead of what my active addict BF told me I wouldn't have wasted 3 years of my life. Your heart won't lie to you - it's looking out for your best interests. If the heart says run - RUN !!!
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Old 05-20-2014, 03:41 AM
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Originally Posted by asm505 View Post
He is not in AA or any type of treatment program.

What if he isn't an alcoholic?
HUH? Would YOU be here?

Ok. Real Deal. REAL {Non - A) guys would just drop any Alcohol -- especially from the Home Life, if it in anyway bothered their beloved. Just letting you know that. It is NOT a control thing, it is just a Love and Respect thing.

Just so you know -- I am a Not-an-A guy and if you and I were an "item," and I knew Alcohol bothered you, we would have NO Alcohol around the house, and if you had expressed ANY concern, I would not be out drinking when you were not around, either. AND I would sort of smile on the inside while doing that.

Guess we sort of do that. Since AWtf is an A, we do not have Alcohol in the house, and daughter even dumped the Cooking Vanilla when she found it (AWtf relapsed on that before).

Get it? To Non-A people, Alcohol is no bigger deal than whether there is Tab or Mr. Pibb (those no long exist, right?) Soda in the fridge.


He is talking about not keeping a case of beer in the house but buying buy the 6 pack so he can't over drink. How long till this changes to two 6 packs or a case?
Two beers. Two Six Packs. Just two, officer.

Always just "two?"

The Toyes - Smoke Two Joints [HD] - YouTube
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