Head Case: What to do???!!!???
Ok, so today my husband was coming over to pick up the girls and called on the way over. He sternly told me how much he loves me and he doesn't want us to divorce and that he isn't a bad person and wants to make this work. My feeling for him are so confused right now and I know that we have been down this path 50,000 times and we always end up so far apart that it isn't worth being together.
When he got here, he followed me up the steps and nicely but strongly hugged me and said he doesn't want this. I felt something in me soften but is it just my guilt or was there a little bit of love? But then we were talking about the drinking and he said that he hasn't drank in 3 weeks and has no side effects. I said so are you going to drink again? He said, very little if I do. Maybe bring a 6 pack home and when its gone, its gone. But he did agree not to drink again if it would keep me. I guess part of me is going, even if there is a bit of love left in me, what does it matter. He has tried to control the drinking for years and it never ever holds up.
He wants to come over and talk tonight. I thought, well maybe I should let him. See if I have any feelings of love for him but then I keep going back to, what does it matter if he really thinks he can control it again? Controlling it never worked in the past and he is not in a formal treatment program. Just a church support group.
What is wrong with me. Why can't I make a decision and stick with it? Why do I keep second guessing myself?