So my RAH and my seriously codie self only went to marital counseling twice. But I can tell you that he was stonewalling and terribly defensive. I was laughing in contempt and rolling my eyes right in front of the counselor and my H. My H was also criticizing me AND the counselor. I probably would have criticized my H back but I really couldn't get over my shock and realization how far apart our two experiences are dealing with his alcoholism. That realization somewhat silenced me. I never launched into my criticism attack bc I was realizing how screwed up we BOTH were.
Stonewalling, defensiveness, criticism, and contempt are the John Gottman 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse. They're romping through my marriage and DS is watching RAH and I squabble in the car, at church, at dinner, making dinner, at the grocery store, getting ready for work, and coming home from work... We sound awful. We are awful. We are pathetic. We are substituting daily little fights for the bigger disagreements floating in the flotsam of 20 years of marriage.
Recognizing this doesn't mean I am smart enough to not engage. Last night I played a few jabs before I got body slammed so hard that even my DS commented that H's response was a bit harsh... But then I realized what we were doing and I STOPPED. I cleaned up from dinner and put myself to bed. I do not talk in my sleep. The 4 Horseman will just have to wait in the rain and see how snarky I feel tonight.