Wanna end it...
Yeah, third time poster here. Typing this at work because I can. Where do I begin...
I'm 31 and 5 mos clean..Before i quit drinking, i quit a nifty porn addiction/habit i developed at an early age. That FOR SURE was the precursor to a crapload of bullying/and brain baggage that lead to drinking, and was also not a fun few months. People know if you're doing that ****. It read on your demeanor. Your eyes lose sparkle, your gaze is downcast. No one knows how hard I tried, but it just feels too late. I socially shut down. I realize I look like **** and people dont want to talk to someone they wouldn't subconciously f**k. When I whiz the whole surface of the water in the bowl has bubbles that last a few minutes and sometimes it's cloudy and has something opaque floating on surface. Diarrhea nearly every time no matter what i eat...Had 5 different types of tests since this s**t started. Blood test, stool tests, urine tests, Abdominal scan, etc. No answers except that i'm constipated (when i have diarrhea). might as well tell me the sky is red. Money is tight. Only got about 20-30 a week extra if i dont eat out.
Had a sleep test done, found out i have a mix of apneas central and obstructive causing me to not get deep sleep.
So i'm tired most of the time. No libido. Spent the last couple of years unknowingly in alcohol withdrawal. I was a binge drinker, but slowed down the last 5 or so years. But anytime I had a few, it would reignite intense anxiety, paranoia, anti social behavior, and what I think are psychotic breaks (extreme anger, breaking ****, cursing, then crying after and forgetting most of what i did). But the physical **** is driving me insane. Why can't i get an answer? Can mental illness/withdrawal cause a loss of weight? Or are the doctors i'm seeing just incompetent. Could go on and on. In my life, the wrong planets aligned and I painted myself in a corner. Not really looking for answers, just wanna vent. I hate everyone. Thank you