Wanna end it...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 5
Wanna end it...
Yeah, third time poster here. Typing this at work because I can. Where do I begin...
I'm 31 and 5 mos clean..Before i quit drinking, i quit a nifty porn addiction/habit i developed at an early age. That FOR SURE was the precursor to a crapload of bullying/and brain baggage that lead to drinking, and was also not a fun few months. People know if you're doing that ****. It read on your demeanor. Your eyes lose sparkle, your gaze is downcast. No one knows how hard I tried, but it just feels too late. I socially shut down. I realize I look like **** and people dont want to talk to someone they wouldn't subconciously f**k. When I whiz the whole surface of the water in the bowl has bubbles that last a few minutes and sometimes it's cloudy and has something opaque floating on surface. Diarrhea nearly every time no matter what i eat...Had 5 different types of tests since this s**t started. Blood test, stool tests, urine tests, Abdominal scan, etc. No answers except that i'm constipated (when i have diarrhea). might as well tell me the sky is red. Money is tight. Only got about 20-30 a week extra if i dont eat out.
Had a sleep test done, found out i have a mix of apneas central and obstructive causing me to not get deep sleep.
So i'm tired most of the time. No libido. Spent the last couple of years unknowingly in alcohol withdrawal. I was a binge drinker, but slowed down the last 5 or so years. But anytime I had a few, it would reignite intense anxiety, paranoia, anti social behavior, and what I think are psychotic breaks (extreme anger, breaking ****, cursing, then crying after and forgetting most of what i did). But the physical **** is driving me insane. Why can't i get an answer? Can mental illness/withdrawal cause a loss of weight? Or are the doctors i'm seeing just incompetent. Could go on and on. In my life, the wrong planets aligned and I painted myself in a corner. Not really looking for answers, just wanna vent. I hate everyone. Thank you
I'm 31 and 5 mos clean..Before i quit drinking, i quit a nifty porn addiction/habit i developed at an early age. That FOR SURE was the precursor to a crapload of bullying/and brain baggage that lead to drinking, and was also not a fun few months. People know if you're doing that ****. It read on your demeanor. Your eyes lose sparkle, your gaze is downcast. No one knows how hard I tried, but it just feels too late. I socially shut down. I realize I look like **** and people dont want to talk to someone they wouldn't subconciously f**k. When I whiz the whole surface of the water in the bowl has bubbles that last a few minutes and sometimes it's cloudy and has something opaque floating on surface. Diarrhea nearly every time no matter what i eat...Had 5 different types of tests since this s**t started. Blood test, stool tests, urine tests, Abdominal scan, etc. No answers except that i'm constipated (when i have diarrhea). might as well tell me the sky is red. Money is tight. Only got about 20-30 a week extra if i dont eat out.
Had a sleep test done, found out i have a mix of apneas central and obstructive causing me to not get deep sleep.
So i'm tired most of the time. No libido. Spent the last couple of years unknowingly in alcohol withdrawal. I was a binge drinker, but slowed down the last 5 or so years. But anytime I had a few, it would reignite intense anxiety, paranoia, anti social behavior, and what I think are psychotic breaks (extreme anger, breaking ****, cursing, then crying after and forgetting most of what i did). But the physical **** is driving me insane. Why can't i get an answer? Can mental illness/withdrawal cause a loss of weight? Or are the doctors i'm seeing just incompetent. Could go on and on. In my life, the wrong planets aligned and I painted myself in a corner. Not really looking for answers, just wanna vent. I hate everyone. Thank you
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Scotland
Posts: 1,506
Originally Posted by ClawingMyWay 
Yeah, third time poster here. Typing this at work because I can. Where do I begin...
I'm 31 and 5 mos clean..Before i quit drinking, i quit a nifty porn addiction/habit i developed at an early age. That FOR SURE was the precursor to a crapload of bullying/and brain baggage that lead to drinking, and was also not a fun few months. People know if you're doing that ****. It read on your demeanor. Your eyes lose sparkle, your gaze is downcast. No one knows how hard I tried, but it just feels too late. I socially shut down. I realize I look like **** and people dont want to talk to someone they wouldn't subconciously f**k. When I whiz the whole surface of the water in the bowl has bubbles that last a few minutes and sometimes it's cloudy and has something opaque floating on surface. Diarrhea nearly every time no matter what i eat...Had 5 different types of tests since this s**t started. Blood test, stool tests, urine tests, Abdominal scan, etc. No answers except that i'm constipated (when i have diarrhea). might as well tell me the sky is red. Money is tight. Only got about 20-30 a week extra if i dont eat out.
Had a sleep test done, found out i have a mix of apneas central and obstructive causing me to not get deep sleep.
So i'm tired most of the time. No libido. Spent the last couple of years unknowingly in alcohol withdrawal. I was a binge drinker, but slowed down the last 5 or so years. But anytime I had a few, it would reignite intense anxiety, paranoia, anti social behavior, and what I think are psychotic breaks (extreme anger, breaking ****, cursing, then crying after and forgetting most of what i did). But the physical **** is driving me insane. Why can't i get an answer? Can mental illness/withdrawal cause a loss of weight? Or are the doctors i'm seeing just incompetent. Could go on and on. In my life, the wrong planets aligned and I painted myself in a corner. Not really looking for answers, just wanna vent. I hate everyone. Thank you
I'm 31 and 5 mos clean..Before i quit drinking, i quit a nifty porn addiction/habit i developed at an early age. That FOR SURE was the precursor to a crapload of bullying/and brain baggage that lead to drinking, and was also not a fun few months. People know if you're doing that ****. It read on your demeanor. Your eyes lose sparkle, your gaze is downcast. No one knows how hard I tried, but it just feels too late. I socially shut down. I realize I look like **** and people dont want to talk to someone they wouldn't subconciously f**k. When I whiz the whole surface of the water in the bowl has bubbles that last a few minutes and sometimes it's cloudy and has something opaque floating on surface. Diarrhea nearly every time no matter what i eat...Had 5 different types of tests since this s**t started. Blood test, stool tests, urine tests, Abdominal scan, etc. No answers except that i'm constipated (when i have diarrhea). might as well tell me the sky is red. Money is tight. Only got about 20-30 a week extra if i dont eat out.
Had a sleep test done, found out i have a mix of apneas central and obstructive causing me to not get deep sleep.
So i'm tired most of the time. No libido. Spent the last couple of years unknowingly in alcohol withdrawal. I was a binge drinker, but slowed down the last 5 or so years. But anytime I had a few, it would reignite intense anxiety, paranoia, anti social behavior, and what I think are psychotic breaks (extreme anger, breaking ****, cursing, then crying after and forgetting most of what i did). But the physical **** is driving me insane. Why can't i get an answer? Can mental illness/withdrawal cause a loss of weight? Or are the doctors i'm seeing just incompetent. Could go on and on. In my life, the wrong planets aligned and I painted myself in a corner. Not really looking for answers, just wanna vent. I hate everyone. Thank you
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I know I struggle with self-loathing too at times. None of us are perfect and if we have an addictive personality I believe we will use any compulsive thing to medicate. Porn, food binging or food deprivation, shopping, drugs, sex, alcohol, video games, TV...and for what?
I for one am so proud of you for taking the steps to get yourself clean. Keep posting, we're glad you're here.
I for one am so proud of you for taking the steps to get yourself clean. Keep posting, we're glad you're here.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Out in the Sticks
Posts: 1,788
I would commend you on the quitting the porn ,I sure have seen a lot of problems in the workplace ,people getting fired looking at porn on company computers .
On the stomach issue ,For almost a year I had bad IBS , could not handle grease .
I ate baked potatoes , grilled chicken ,grilled chicken sandwitches ,veggies .
No carbonated drinks .
It finally went away ,IBS ,does not show up on tests - its stress related .
This is NOT medical advice , but rather dietary advice .
It takes a while to go away .
Drinking WRECKS my digestive system ,either im constipated ,or diarrhea .
On the stomach issue ,For almost a year I had bad IBS , could not handle grease .
I ate baked potatoes , grilled chicken ,grilled chicken sandwitches ,veggies .
No carbonated drinks .
It finally went away ,IBS ,does not show up on tests - its stress related .
This is NOT medical advice , but rather dietary advice .
It takes a while to go away .
Drinking WRECKS my digestive system ,either im constipated ,or diarrhea .
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 609
Originally Posted by ClawingMyWay
Had a sleep test done, found out i have a mix of apneas central and obstructive causing me to not get deep sleep.
I wanted to say one teeny thing tho' about the sleep apnea.
That can effect near every bodily funtion depending on how bad it is.
I'd suggest reading up on some of the "side effects" that untreated
apnea can cause. Especially, obstructive apnea.
I have that and the damage done when oxygen levels dip into the 60's is beyond bad. As in, frying brain cells with oxygen deprivation kinda bad.
Anyway - see what you can find out with looking around, talking to doctor who diagnosed you, getting records from him - I hear you on the $$$ thing too. Apnea is very expensive to test for and treat. I just got my bill for the titration sleep study - $3700.!!
Cheers
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
from where you sit right now its probably hard to see that you got some options. But you gotta take one bite at a time to resolve things.
I know I used to wake up wanting to just put myself down i couldnt take it any longer. I still have bad days too. but its not that bad anymore.
You could try getting on a strict diet and doing exercise? it can go a long way at feeling better all around.
I know I used to wake up wanting to just put myself down i couldnt take it any longer. I still have bad days too. but its not that bad anymore.
You could try getting on a strict diet and doing exercise? it can go a long way at feeling better all around.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,385
Near the end of my drinking days I was a burnt out shell - my digestion was wrecked, my eyes were red, my skin was waxy, hair limp, I shivered for no reason, I shuffled along...
things didn't immediately get better after I quit drinking either...I'd really done a number on my body over several years of abuse.
It took me a long time to find a good Dr too - I had to be honest tho and tell them *everything*.
Don't lose heart - you're obviously in a bad place right now but there's many of us who been in similar places or worse.
Keep posting here.there is support.
Your thread titles a little vague. If things look really bad, at least take the time to read through this link...it'll take 5 mins max.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html
Take care of yourself - things will not always be the way they seem today. I've been there - things can and do get better
D
things didn't immediately get better after I quit drinking either...I'd really done a number on my body over several years of abuse.
It took me a long time to find a good Dr too - I had to be honest tho and tell them *everything*.
Don't lose heart - you're obviously in a bad place right now but there's many of us who been in similar places or worse.
Keep posting here.there is support.
Your thread titles a little vague. If things look really bad, at least take the time to read through this link...it'll take 5 mins max.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html
Take care of yourself - things will not always be the way they seem today. I've been there - things can and do get better
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Out in the Sticks
Posts: 1,788
Originally Posted by zjw
from where you sit right now its probably hard to see that you got some options. But you gotta take one bite at a time to resolve things.
I know I used to wake up wanting to just put myself down i couldnt take it any longer. I still have bad days too. but its not that bad anymore.
You could try getting on a strict diet and doing exercise? it can go a long way at feeling better all around.
I know I used to wake up wanting to just put myself down i couldnt take it any longer. I still have bad days too. but its not that bad anymore.
You could try getting on a strict diet and doing exercise? it can go a long way at feeling better all around.
Agree ,from the bottom its hard to see the way up .
But an inch at a time ,and you will be there ,out of the grungy ,dirty
depression .
Then wake up one day -not hungover and wonder what happened .
Try to do one positive action every day .
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Poconos PA
Posts: 1,544
I'm happy through it all you are still staying sober, keep at it. Not drinking will be one less thing to think about and certainly won't help if you do drink. Hope all your troubles subside soon, staying sober is a good first step.
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