Originally Posted by
letitgo 
Well I made it to 30 days. We have a beautiful boy. Unfortunately, he will need a surgery. I already have a daughter with special needs that has already had a surgery. Its really tough to see your children in pain. I am really not a fan of God right now and want to drink. But on the positive I have other tools to get through this. Just feels like the guy upstairs is mocking me or pushing buttons and laughing at all of my misfortunes. Self pity and loathing is a terrible place to be and a hole that is hard to get out of. I know things could be much worse at least we have nothing life threatening. I wasn't shocked with this health news since we already have so many other issues and things going on. God only gives you things you can handle. I do not like this cliche. I just want things to be smooth for once. Sorry to rant its just frustrating it always feels like one thing after another. Maybe I am just selfish and internalizing the woe is me. More of a poor us feeling when its really about the health of my family. Trying to stay positive and happy to be sober. Thanks for reading my rant and enjoy this wonderful Sunday.
Take care and be well
I feel for you and your spouse, and your kids. Growing up as a crippled kid (polio while still an enfant at 10 months) I have first hand experience in my eventual demanding of God: wtf? Is this it? Is there nothing more than suffering on my plate?
I don't believe God never gives us more than we can handle. In fact, I'm convinced God always gives us more, and then expects us to meet the new challenges by growth and change to accomplish ourselves at an ever higher level.
I don't see a rant in your post. I do see a well reasoned out conviction to stay the course on your sobriety, even though your experience of practicing your chosen faith in your HP is being tested beyond all reason.
Faith is not reasonable in the sense that reason alone can't describe the works of faith in a spiritually well lived life. Faith requires at some point a leap into the unknown, and this leap is always at times when faith is most sorely needed because reason has already failed in being useful as a sufficient resolution.
I'm agnostic when it comes to God. I see God from the perspective of a mortal human limited as I am. God is nothing like me. For me to understand God as I understand myself is a total impossibility. This goes for my suffering too. How I suffered is of my own appreciation. I believe God can suffer too, and this brings me comfort. I can't imagine how God feels when suffering, but I'm sure its more than what I bear, goes without saying.
So as to not threaten my sobriety with the ups and downs of my faith challenges, my sobriety itself eventually became my HP for my alcoholism, while agnostic beliefs held for God have become more aligned with my Christian faith. This takes my (possible) loss of sobriety off the table and secures it in a forever kind of way, speaking for myself. It is best this was as else eventually I would have not been able to reconcile my past sufferings with my challenges of today.
I encourage you to continue to practice the separation of your sufferings from the veracity of your faith. Suffering does promote faith for the faithful is my experience. And faith invites ever more challenges to the furthering of the maturity of that same faith. And lastly, faith without works is a dead faith, and so this requires that faith is forever practiced in a continuum of challenges.
There is nothing wrong in being respectful of ourselves and are feelings when we are in angst with our faith towards God. God can take the worst of what we offer Him, and return the best of Him for us to nourish ourselves and those we love. Don't reproach yourself. God is nothing if he doesn't understand human suffering. Take it easy.
Letitgo, I sincerely hope for all that is good for you and your family. All the best. Your an inspiration for us all.
