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Made it to 30 days but have no faith in a higher power

Old 05-04-2014, 05:43 AM
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Made it to 30 days but have no faith in a higher power

Well I made it to 30 days. We have a beautiful boy. Unfortunately, he will need a surgery. I already have a daughter with special needs that has already had a surgery. Its really tough to see your children in pain. I am really not a fan of God right now and want to drink. But on the positive I have other tools to get through this. Just feels like the guy upstairs is mocking me or pushing buttons and laughing at all of my misfortunes. Self pity and loathing is a terrible place to be and a hole that is hard to get out of. I know things could be much worse at least we have nothing life threatening. I wasn't shocked with this health news since we already have so many other issues and things going on. God only gives you things you can handle. I do not like this cliche. I just want things to be smooth for once. Sorry to rant its just frustrating it always feels like one thing after another. Maybe I am just selfish and internalizing the woe is me. More of a poor us feeling when its really about the health of my family. Trying to stay positive and happy to be sober. Thanks for reading my rant and enjoy this wonderful Sunday.

Take care and be well
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Old 05-04-2014, 05:50 AM
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The first thing you mentioned is your kids. Keep going for them, if not for yourself.
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Old 05-04-2014, 05:52 AM
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Be well.
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Old 05-04-2014, 05:53 AM
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I am sorry to hear about these medical issues with your children, LetitGo. The suffering of those in our care is most difficult indeed. I hope that all goes well with them with their medical issues.

Something that helps me is to understand difficult events is that it is not about me. This is all about your children. Your children need the support of a sober parent, and your spouse needs your support too. You can't be the person they need, or the person that you need to be now either, while drinking. And drinking at God simply can't help a single thing and can only make this situation worse.

Hang in, and do what you need to do for them, and this will work out. Best to you and your family.
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Old 05-04-2014, 06:33 AM
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Originally Posted by letitgo View Post

Just feels like the guy upstairs is mocking me or pushing buttons and laughing at all of my misfortunes.
from my studies of God
I don't think that's happening

I also believe very much that there is a devil
maybe that's who's speaking to you ?

MM
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Old 05-04-2014, 06:37 AM
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Congrats on thirty days sober! Higher power or not, stay sober. Your family needs you.
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Old 05-04-2014, 08:08 AM
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well done on your 30 days letitgo, and that was hardly a rant.

under such circumstances you have done a tremendous job staying sober. Your family needs you and depends on your strength. You are a shining example to all of us.

Sending positive thoughts to you and your family. Hang in there.
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Old 05-04-2014, 08:20 AM
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Originally Posted by letitgo View Post
Its really tough to see your children in pain.
Yup, I had to see my children in pain. No fun at all. In the case of my children it was caused by the knowledge that their father was drunk yet again, even though they had summoned the courage to ask him to stop.

My children are healing now. I hope yours heal soon also.

Best of Luck on Your Journey!
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Old 05-04-2014, 08:43 AM
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Hi letitgo,
I too have a child with special needs. He has autism and is pretty significantly impaired. He has recently begun having grande mal seizures. I understand how you are feeling. Here's how I look at it: my addiction will use anything, any reason, to get me to drink or eat some klonopin, or otherwise numb out. I am not my addiction. While my addiction thinks nothing of using my son's disability as an excuse to drink, *I* find that reprehensible and disgusting. My addiction cares not of my son, me, or anything else. So, I separate from that, and honor my son and family by being fully present, throughout the good, the bad, and the ugly.
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Old 05-04-2014, 08:44 AM
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For some people, a higher power is necessary for finding sustained sobriety. For others it's irrelevant. For others, the search for a HP as a way to get sober is a hindrance to sobriety. Don't feel you have to push it.

-DrS
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Old 05-04-2014, 08:56 AM
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No HP here but still sober.

Sorry about your children's medical concerns. I send strength.
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Old 05-04-2014, 09:02 AM
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Originally Posted by letitgo View Post
Well I made it to 30 days. We have a beautiful boy. Unfortunately, he will need a surgery. I already have a daughter with special needs that has already had a surgery. Its really tough to see your children in pain. I am really not a fan of God right now and want to drink. But on the positive I have other tools to get through this. Just feels like the guy upstairs is mocking me or pushing buttons and laughing at all of my misfortunes. Self pity and loathing is a terrible place to be and a hole that is hard to get out of. I know things could be much worse at least we have nothing life threatening. I wasn't shocked with this health news since we already have so many other issues and things going on. God only gives you things you can handle. I do not like this cliche. I just want things to be smooth for once. Sorry to rant its just frustrating it always feels like one thing after another. Maybe I am just selfish and internalizing the woe is me. More of a poor us feeling when its really about the health of my family. Trying to stay positive and happy to be sober. Thanks for reading my rant and enjoy this wonderful Sunday.

Take care and be well
I feel for you and your spouse, and your kids. Growing up as a crippled kid (polio while still an enfant at 10 months) I have first hand experience in my eventual demanding of God: wtf? Is this it? Is there nothing more than suffering on my plate?

I don't believe God never gives us more than we can handle. In fact, I'm convinced God always gives us more, and then expects us to meet the new challenges by growth and change to accomplish ourselves at an ever higher level.

I don't see a rant in your post. I do see a well reasoned out conviction to stay the course on your sobriety, even though your experience of practicing your chosen faith in your HP is being tested beyond all reason.

Faith is not reasonable in the sense that reason alone can't describe the works of faith in a spiritually well lived life. Faith requires at some point a leap into the unknown, and this leap is always at times when faith is most sorely needed because reason has already failed in being useful as a sufficient resolution.

I'm agnostic when it comes to God. I see God from the perspective of a mortal human limited as I am. God is nothing like me. For me to understand God as I understand myself is a total impossibility. This goes for my suffering too. How I suffered is of my own appreciation. I believe God can suffer too, and this brings me comfort. I can't imagine how God feels when suffering, but I'm sure its more than what I bear, goes without saying.

So as to not threaten my sobriety with the ups and downs of my faith challenges, my sobriety itself eventually became my HP for my alcoholism, while agnostic beliefs held for God have become more aligned with my Christian faith. This takes my (possible) loss of sobriety off the table and secures it in a forever kind of way, speaking for myself. It is best this was as else eventually I would have not been able to reconcile my past sufferings with my challenges of today.

I encourage you to continue to practice the separation of your sufferings from the veracity of your faith. Suffering does promote faith for the faithful is my experience. And faith invites ever more challenges to the furthering of the maturity of that same faith. And lastly, faith without works is a dead faith, and so this requires that faith is forever practiced in a continuum of challenges.

There is nothing wrong in being respectful of ourselves and are feelings when we are in angst with our faith towards God. God can take the worst of what we offer Him, and return the best of Him for us to nourish ourselves and those we love. Don't reproach yourself. God is nothing if he doesn't understand human suffering. Take it easy.

Letitgo, I sincerely hope for all that is good for you and your family. All the best. Your an inspiration for us all.
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Old 05-04-2014, 09:57 AM
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Hi letitgo.

I'm very sorry to hear about both your children. I can't even imagine your pain.

I rarely comment on people's spirituality or what God means to them. It's all very subjective and very personal.

I do wonder though that if God only gives us what we can handle, why would we need God?
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Old 05-05-2014, 03:44 AM
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Thanks for the support everyone. I do not want to step on anyone's beliefs. I respect the fact we all can have our individual beliefs. I am just used to less then happy news this was not a ssurprise. I have a lot to be happy about. 2 wonderful children, an amazing wife that supports me and stuck through my addiction and dark times. Also we have roof over our heads and food on the table. I am very grateful I found SR. This website is full of knowledge and inspiring. I have also found a therapist to get an outersiders looking in perspective. Most importantly I have experienced happiness and sadness sober. No where to run or hide. My thinking is clear and I feel good. Not hungover, sick and overly anxious. I wish I never had an addictive personality. However, the difference between addiction, coming to terms and sobriety is a true transformation. I want to thank all the veterans, in betweens and newbies on this site. Everyone is an inspiration. Have a great Monday. Another week to be better then the last in all that you do.
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Old 05-05-2014, 03:53 AM
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Originally Posted by letitgo View Post
Its really tough to see your children in pain. I am really not a fan of God right now and want to drink. But on the positive I have other tools to get through this. Just feels like the guy upstairs is mocking me or pushing buttons and laughing at all of my misfortunes.
Welcome to my world. When he does good things he is great, when he makes your life horrible he is "mysterious" - there is an excuse for everything apparently. All the same, congrats on reaching this misetone. Don't ever let someone tell you that your lack of faith is a weakness. You've been through a lot of crap and the fact that you are still committed to this is very promising.
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Old 05-05-2014, 03:57 AM
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Originally Posted by letitgo View Post
Thanks for the support everyone. I do not want to step on anyone's beliefs. I respect the fact we all can have our individual beliefs. I am just used to less then happy news this was not a ssurprise. I have a lot to be happy about. 2 wonderful children, an amazing wife that supports me and stuck through my addiction and dark times. Also we have roof over our heads and food on the table. I am very grateful I found SR. This website is full of knowledge and inspiring. I have also found a therapist to get an outersiders looking in perspective. Most importantly I have experienced happiness and sadness sober. No where to run or hide. My thinking is clear and I feel good. Not hungover, sick and overly anxious. I wish I never had an addictive personality. However, the difference between addiction, coming to terms and sobriety is a true transformation. I want to thank all the veterans, in betweens and newbies on this site. Everyone is an inspiration. Have a great Monday. Another week to be better then the last in all that you do.
It didn't come across as stepping on anyone's beliefs, it came across as you having a lot of really stressful situations to manage right now without any relief in sight. I think working it out here is a sign of growth and self awareness. I am sending hugs and support.
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