I didn't find friends or family helpful with trying to deal with my husband, either. I understand that well! Even doctors weren't of help, because we were asking the wrong ones.
Licensed Addictions Specialists and certain rehab centers were of help once I found the right ones to call and started to ask the right questions. There was no rhyme or reason, mostly just calling and trying again. It's hard to separate out the alcoholism from mental health issues or personality disorders. Maybe some mental health services could be of help with diagnosing, treatment and/or support for you. Has he always had problems, even before the alcoholism?
I also found out I could have called 911 or the sheriff's office if I was worried about him. If he was passed out drunk, if I didn't know what to do ...if he was just too drunk for me to deal with in any way. I could have called for help for myself. It may not have done any good for him, but I needed at some point to get help for me. Maybe calling on a regular basis would have shown us both that things were not right. Me trying to pretend it wasn't so bad didn't help at all.
Does he have a job, is this having an effect on his work?
Chicory, no easy answers, but your recovery is important. You are important. Baby steps. Easy does it. Progress not perfection.
You are smart and seem to be looking for answers. Work your own recovery faithfully and keep looking for guidance.
Are you scared of him at all? Does he argue with you when you bring up him leaving? Does he listen to suggestions from you in other areas of his life?