finally found it
I was reading through forum while watching hockey but I didn't want to reply cause typing on my phone is horrible. I had to search for this again because I really needed to say something to the OP.
Thank You!
gettingbetter, you may not know how much you posting this helps. You are not alone in your feelings. The one thing that sticks out for me is that you started using every excuse you could think of to drink. I came to a point where I didn't NEED an excuse to drink. Drinking just became a normal part of living. The only excuse I needed to drink was because I was there. Waking up was an excuse to drink. I didn't have a death wish or anything. And I didn't drink because I was angry or sad. I just drank to drink. No rhyme or reason to it. Maybe a while ago I used excuses, but it came to that point in my drinking that it was second nature. And because I have 4 months without a drink I am starting to forget the reasons I drank. It's posts like yours that snap me back to my reality. So please do not ever think you may be wasting your time or mine when you post. It helps more people than you can imagine.