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I feel pathetic.....

Old 04-25-2014, 08:35 AM
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I feel pathetic.....

I feel pathetic even writing this,I haven't posted in awhile because I haven't exactly been sober and I'm embarrassed to even post this. I know if I continue drinking I will get a DUI or DWI or worse. I broke the screen on my phone on Tuesday due to drinking. I've been a daily drinking for about 5-6 years, I have gone to AA a handful of times but I would always get so nervous I would leave. I've heard AA working for so many different people so maybe I should give it another try. I eventually give in and drink for every excuse you get think of, the biggest one is sadness and loneliness and feeling like I deserve a drink. I apologize for the rant I know I could be trying harder to not drink I feel so much hate towards myself because of my alcoholism. I really don't have any support around me, no one knows how bad my drinking has become. This is my day 2, I feel like I'm wasting everyone's time by posting because I keep on drinking and I don't want to trigger anyone. I just felt like it was needed.
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Old 04-25-2014, 08:49 AM
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You are not pathetic and you shouldn't hate yourself.
It's not such an easy thing to quit drinking. It took me a couple times before I got some sober time built up. And even then I fell off the wagon.

Believe it or not you're learning by your mistakes"the biggest one is sadness and loneliness and feeling like I deserve a drink.".
So even though you relapsed,you know now what caused it.
That's another tool in your belt to kick the addiction.

Remember,you're never really a failure unless you give up trying.
And clearly you haven't done that.
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Old 04-25-2014, 08:58 AM
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All that stuff you're saying about yourself... AV talk. Don't listen to that S.O.B.! IT thrives on your feelings of hopelessness, self-doubt, failure, etc. As long as you are lost in this fog of despair, IT counts on you returning to the thing you know: alcohol. And that's all IT wants. IT doesn't care about you. But you do care about you. That's why you've come here. Don't let IT keep you wallowing in this pit you're in. Stand up. You know you can. If going to AA is what you feel you need to do, by all means, do it ASAP. If going to a doctor to get yourself checked out is what you feel you should do, do that. Do something, but don't drink. As soon as you make the decision to put alcohol behind you and take action, I guarantee you'll start feeling better.

As I've heard others say around here: Nothing changes if nothing changes.

BTW, I can relate to breaking the screen on your phone. I did the same thing in a drunken fit of rage just a few weeks before I quit. Always doing dumb **** when I drank...
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Old 04-25-2014, 09:01 AM
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You're not wasting anybody's time at all.

I'm glad you posted. I think one of the worst things about alcoholism is how it destroys us emotionally. We begin to dislike ourselves and end up hating and loathing ourselves, hence the drinking cycle continues. Try to take a step back and know that alcoholism is not a character defect. You are not a bad person. You need to stop the cycle, and it won't be easy, but you need to do it.

I always say that I think the motivation to stop drinking is more important than the method you choose to do so.
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Old 04-25-2014, 09:06 AM
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You're doing me a favor posting. I can forget how miserable I was at the end of my drinking days .
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Old 04-25-2014, 09:06 AM
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You are not pathetic, gettingbetter64; you are struggling like so many.

Giving AA another try is worth the effort. Stay close to SR; keep reading; keep posting. Don't give up.
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Old 04-25-2014, 09:10 AM
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There is no posting condition of being sober.

I'm sorry you feel really down about yourself, but you really should not. Like the above post says, it's the addiction that want you to think you are not good enough.
I posted on SR last weekend completely discouraged and hammered/hangover. No one judged me as we don’t judge you.

I’m back on track thanks to the good folks on SR, I now have packed 3 days under my belt! Not much for my addictive voice because IT wants me to drink at all costs.

But IT is not the one that suffered through the withdrawal, so tell your AV to go away back in its box and join us.

2 days is a hell of a start I say!
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Old 04-25-2014, 09:15 AM
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Originally Posted by gettingbetter64 View Post
I feel pathetic even writing this,I haven't posted in awhile because I haven't exactly been sober and I'm embarrassed to even post this. I know if I continue drinking I will get a DUI or DWI or worse. I broke the screen on my phone on Tuesday due to drinking. I've been a daily drinking for about 5-6 years, I have gone to AA a handful of times but I would always get so nervous I would leave. I've heard AA working for so many different people so maybe I should give it another try. I eventually give in and drink for every excuse you get think of, the biggest one is sadness and loneliness and feeling like I deserve a drink. I apologize for the rant I know I could be trying harder to not drink I feel so much hate towards myself because of my alcoholism. I really don't have any support around me, no one knows how bad my drinking has become. This is my day 2, I feel like I'm wasting everyone's time by posting because I keep on drinking and I don't want to trigger anyone. I just felt like it was needed.

You are showing that you truly want to quit and that is huge in itself. You are not pathetic at all and you should never think that, you are like most of us and just want to change your life for the better.
Keep posting and keep strong.
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Old 04-25-2014, 09:16 AM
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At the end of my drinking days I woke up every morning hating myself. Then I'd drink because I felt hopeless. I had to stop drinking in order to stop hating myself and feeling hopeless. You can do this. Don't give up!
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Old 04-25-2014, 10:00 AM
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Thank you for everyone that responded it really means a lot to me, I'm in tears now reading everyone's response it makes me feel a lot better though. I keep on telling myself at least I keep on trying. Once the guilt,shame and disgust go away I feel like I can drink. I want to scream at myself and say I can't drink,others can but I cant and it's not safe for me to drink, posting on this site seems to help its a vicious cycle that has beaten me down long enough.
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Old 04-25-2014, 10:01 AM
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I am right there with you, gettingbetter64.
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Old 04-25-2014, 10:27 AM
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I am new to this sight and your post is the first one I read. I could have written it myself (except I have not broken my phone.) Keep trying. I know it's not easy. I just went 4 days without drinking and I drank last night & I don't even know why I also feel like a pathetic loser today but the replies you've received are so supportive!
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Old 04-25-2014, 10:48 AM
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Originally Posted by gettingbetter64 View Post
Thank you for everyone that responded it really means a lot to me, I'm in tears now reading everyone's response it makes me feel a lot better though. I keep on telling myself at least I keep on trying. Once the guilt,shame and disgust go away I feel like I can drink. I want to scream at myself and say I can't drink,others can but I cant and it's not safe for me to drink, posting on this site seems to help its a vicious cycle that has beaten me down long enough.
We are all on this crazy and sometimes bumpy road together and I wouldn't have it any other way,

Team Sober
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Old 04-25-2014, 01:18 PM
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gettinigbetter and Crokitty don't be ashamed or beat yourself up. Pick yourself up, or we can help you, dust yourself off and keep trying. If you want to you can kick this. If you are sad or feeling lonely come talk to someone here. We are here for each other.
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Old 04-25-2014, 09:06 PM
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finally found it

I was reading through forum while watching hockey but I didn't want to reply cause typing on my phone is horrible. I had to search for this again because I really needed to say something to the OP.

Thank You!

gettingbetter, you may not know how much you posting this helps. You are not alone in your feelings. The one thing that sticks out for me is that you started using every excuse you could think of to drink. I came to a point where I didn't NEED an excuse to drink. Drinking just became a normal part of living. The only excuse I needed to drink was because I was there. Waking up was an excuse to drink. I didn't have a death wish or anything. And I didn't drink because I was angry or sad. I just drank to drink. No rhyme or reason to it. Maybe a while ago I used excuses, but it came to that point in my drinking that it was second nature. And because I have 4 months without a drink I am starting to forget the reasons I drank. It's posts like yours that snap me back to my reality. So please do not ever think you may be wasting your time or mine when you post. It helps more people than you can imagine.
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Old 04-25-2014, 09:17 PM
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Thank you all for the support, it really means a lot to me , it's a little after 12:00am so here goes my day 3. Weekends have always been tough for me, when the boredom kicks in those cravings really kick in too. I'm not letting myself drink today no matter how bored,lonely,mad,sad,ashamed as I feel I've felt all those things before and those feelings pass and there is no way drinking will solve anything.
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Old 04-25-2014, 09:34 PM
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Wow, powerful thread. Thank you getting.better and all who posted replies. You have helped me tremendously, as well as multitudes who are lurking in the shadows. One thing I have learned, is we all share a common goal, however there are many roads to that destination, we can relate to each other's journey. I am on year seven, without a single birthday. Sobriety and the spiritual conversion of perspective comes to all who seek it in earnest. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. Don't quit before the magic happens.
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Old 04-25-2014, 09:54 PM
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Originally Posted by gettingbetter64 View Post
I feel pathetic even writing this,I haven't posted in awhile because I haven't exactly been sober and I'm embarrassed to even post this. I know if I continue drinking I will get a DUI or DWI or worse. I broke the screen on my phone on Tuesday due to drinking. I've been a daily drinking for about 5-6 years, I have gone to AA a handful of times but I would always get so nervous I would leave.

I broke my $2000 big screen tv only LAST NIGHT. I fell into it drunk, and broke it. But today's a new day.
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Old 04-25-2014, 10:05 PM
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Originally Posted by justinJustQuit View Post
I broke my $2000 big screen tv only LAST NIGHT. I fell into it drunk, and broke it. But today's a new day.
Mine is for sale. I'm having the cable removed and won't need it anymore.
Nice 55" LCD - perfect picture. Blue ray pops on it! I'll use the money to make a couple house payments. PS3 also for sale. Only used for movies and netflix.
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Old 04-25-2014, 10:26 PM
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Ok. That was hilarious @lbrain. Anyway, I can very much relate to your plight. I am trying to quit right now and start going to AA. We get to a point in our lives where it's just time to figure it out. Enough is enough.
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