Oh, GoldenBear, you are not alone. You articulated (very well, I might add) exactly the thoughts and feelings I've had about alcohol and myself and the relationship between the two. And, like others have said above, you sound like most of us here on this forum. It takes a lot of guts to say those things out loud (or to the computer, as it were
).
I visited this forum on and off for months with the same questions before I actually surrendered to the fact that I had no control over alcohol and could not drink in safety. Unfortunately it took me several low points and STILL, giving up booze was the last thing I wanted to do. I was PISSED OFF.
Read Drinking, A Love Story by Caroline Knapp if you haven't already. She perfectly articulates the relationship many of us have with booze, and the path it takes us down. I read it once when I was in my early twenties and it made my ears ring with recognition, but it wouldn't be another 10 years until I even attempted to imagine my life without alcohol.
There are all kinds of opinions on this, but for me, walking into my first AA meeting was the most terrifying thing I'd ever done, but it's also when I started to feel a tiny bit of hope (TINY, TINY) about a life sans booze. It is still a struggle but I promise you none of the feelings you have are new. Every hopeless alcoholic has been there.
Re: detox, I was the same as you and thought, I can't possibly drink enough to actually go through DETOX! I was wrong. I went through what you did for about a week and it was a terrifying eye opener. My skin broke out in this crazy rash, I couldn't sleep, eat or really think for a while.
You've found a good place. I don't visit here often but I popped in today and am glad I saw your note. I'd urge you to check out an AA meeting.
I always think of it this way: I know what will happen if I keep drinking, but I don't know what'll happen if I don't. If I keep drinking, **** just gets worse...there's no upside. If I stop, the mystery stays open.
XO