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Questioning Direction

Old 04-23-2014, 02:26 PM
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Questioning Direction

Sooo....

First time on a forum like this. First time posting here. Feeling pretty vulnerable but am full of questions.

Alcohol has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. My Grandparents used to have 'Martini Time' when we were kids and I would get a glass of 7-Up with olives in it. To imply my family were keen drinkers would be an understatement, though most of them, if not all, were functional heavy drinkers.

I stayed pretty straight until I was out of high school. I was a band geek, I had a group of intelligent friends, and I think my immaturity and naivety kept me on the right side of experimentation: that is to say, I avoided it for the most part. When I moved out I remember feeling giddy with independence. I had my own job, my own apartment, my own life! I would come home from work in the afternoon and drink rum and coke just because I COULD!

Drinking made me *feel* happy, confident, creative, sociable, fun.... the list goes on. Reality told a different story. The happiness was short-lived when I ran out of money half-way through the month and my roommate was threatening to leave because of my late nights and drunken mishaps. My confidence was merely lack of inhibition which put me into countless awkward sexual encounters which I somehow escaped without disease or unwanted pregnancy. Creativity was the lover I chased and alcohol wet my lips as I leaned in to kiss it, but it was always swallowed under with the sixth or seventh drink. Everyone knows that alcohol is the life of that party.... at least I thought that it made me the life of the party... but what I didn't know was that it was really sucking the life from me. And fun. Was it fun? I guess parts were fun, there was a lot of fun, yes. Could that fun have been had without me being off my face drunk? Probably. Definitely.

There were years of this. Years of wasted nights dripping off of curbs and pouring out of cabs and wasted days hanging inside out, buried in my bed, eating if I could, but only horrible processed sh*t. Piling sh*t on top of sh*t inside my body.

Here I am, almost 10 years pickled, and I'm wondering what the hell I'm doing. In the past two months I have experienced two of the worst hangovers of my life. Ones where I spent the day decomposing in bed Googling, 'Can you die from a hangover'. Sad. The most recent one sort of lit a lightbulb with the realisation that maybe I was experiencing withdrawal and not a classic hangover. The first day post-night-out was a complete write-off. I woke up still drunk and slid backwards downhill through the day, not eating, sweating, writhing in the sheets, bound up with anxiety, praying for sleep but too afraid to sink under. The next day was much of the same except the sinus congestion blacked everything out, a migraine exploded across my eyes, and that syrupy, sickening self-loathing started to creep in. Tuesday I went to work fuzzy-headed, almost entirely useless, with a couple pain killers to ease that pain of what I had convinced myself was surely a brain tumour. Today I feel alive, at the surface again, but treading water.

If this is withdrawal then surely I've reached full-badge alcoholic status. That's pretty terrifying. My whole life has been ushered by Alcohol and considering life without it is like remapping my entire world by hand. Everything will look entirely different and I'm not even sure I can draw a straight line let alone plot a path for moving forward.

I guess what I'm really afraid of is meeting myself without the veil of alcohol. I'm afraid I'll be less interesting, less fun, less creative. I'm afraid I'll lose that mysterious alter-ego that comes out when I go out 'single'. I'm afraid I won't have the same deep, philosophical conversations with myself when I drink alone. I'm afraid I won't be the life of the party; no one will like me; I won't seem intelligent enough. Really, I'm afraid I won't like myself sober.

So maybe I don't have any questions at all, maybe I just need to get everything out of my head and hope that I'm not completely alone and weird experiencing everything that my mind is caught up with.
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Old 04-23-2014, 02:38 PM
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Welcome to SR!

Looks like you had a similar experience with Alcohol than most of us here.

I know it can be scary to face life without Alcohol when it was our best friend for so many years. But a real friend would not want us dead.

Alcohol is hideous and creeps in our life's promising happiness but never delivers on that promise. Having sucked our financial resources, health, relationships we are left with the reality that life can be more than empty bottles.

I am back on day one after I had the brilliant idea of listening to my addiction.

You too can make this your day 1.
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Old 04-23-2014, 02:42 PM
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Hi GoldenBear and welcome to SR! You are not alone and definitely not weird -- I think many of us here have had very similar experiences. I started drinking for the same reasons, it gave me a sense of independence and it turned me into the social butterfly I'd always wanted to be. But the reality was much different than that -- I turned into an embarrassing lush with horrible black outs and hangovers.

It's been a long journey since I quit for the first time just over a year ago, but I'm starting to like who I am sober -- I bet you will like yourself too
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Old 04-23-2014, 02:44 PM
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Yeah, I think most of us are afraid to stop drinking and face life without alcohol. But, it's worth the effort. You might be surprised that you like the sober you.
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Old 04-23-2014, 02:44 PM
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Welcome GoldenBear! It's great to have you join us. You are not alone - we all understand & have similar backgrounds. I hope being here will help you sort out what to do.

10 years pickled is not good - but better than my 30 yrs. You are paying attention to the warning signs and reaching out for some help. You can keep yourself from so much misery and pain by dealing with this now. Keep reading and posting - we're glad you're here.
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Old 04-23-2014, 02:49 PM
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Welcome to SR, GoldenBear; you will find an abundance of understanding, support and encouragement here.

You are definitely not alone. Take it a day at a time; you can move forward with a sober life.

Keep SR close; there are many articles on alcoholism on this site; read posts and keep posting.
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Old 04-23-2014, 03:00 PM
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I was just about to go back to work.
Welcome GoldenBear. I have a fairway 3 wood with GoldenBear on it

I don't need to go into the ME TOO spiel. So let's just say your story is not unique. I am afraid the only answer for you is to give up drinking entirely. Say goodbye to your old pal alcohol. Do not fear what you will be like without it. At first you will be confused, frightened and doubting life. Learning to live without it takes some work and time. But first you have to stop. And after a period of time you will want to kick yourself for not stopping sooner - after you discover how great life really is.
See a doctor or therapist. Definitely seek medical help if you are experiencing withdrawal symptoms - they can be deadly depending on your history.
Read through this forum and you will find stories very similar to yours.
My immediate advice is go to AA meetings. Find one, they're almost everywhere. Don't worry about what they may think of you, I assure you there are people there who did much worse than you.
Study up on alcoholism and learn about methods to stop and STAY STOPPED.
If you can do it, check into to an alcohol rehab facility. It's a good place to start. And you can detox under supervision and be safe while getting an education on alcohol.
Welcome to the club.

Last edited by LBrain; 04-23-2014 at 03:04 PM. Reason: OCD
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Old 04-23-2014, 03:03 PM
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Oh, GoldenBear, you are not alone. You articulated (very well, I might add) exactly the thoughts and feelings I've had about alcohol and myself and the relationship between the two. And, like others have said above, you sound like most of us here on this forum. It takes a lot of guts to say those things out loud (or to the computer, as it were ).

I visited this forum on and off for months with the same questions before I actually surrendered to the fact that I had no control over alcohol and could not drink in safety. Unfortunately it took me several low points and STILL, giving up booze was the last thing I wanted to do. I was PISSED OFF.

Read Drinking, A Love Story by Caroline Knapp if you haven't already. She perfectly articulates the relationship many of us have with booze, and the path it takes us down. I read it once when I was in my early twenties and it made my ears ring with recognition, but it wouldn't be another 10 years until I even attempted to imagine my life without alcohol.

There are all kinds of opinions on this, but for me, walking into my first AA meeting was the most terrifying thing I'd ever done, but it's also when I started to feel a tiny bit of hope (TINY, TINY) about a life sans booze. It is still a struggle but I promise you none of the feelings you have are new. Every hopeless alcoholic has been there.

Re: detox, I was the same as you and thought, I can't possibly drink enough to actually go through DETOX! I was wrong. I went through what you did for about a week and it was a terrifying eye opener. My skin broke out in this crazy rash, I couldn't sleep, eat or really think for a while.

You've found a good place. I don't visit here often but I popped in today and am glad I saw your note. I'd urge you to check out an AA meeting.

I always think of it this way: I know what will happen if I keep drinking, but I don't know what'll happen if I don't. If I keep drinking, **** just gets worse...there's no upside. If I stop, the mystery stays open.

XO
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Old 04-23-2014, 03:09 PM
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Hi GoldenBear, you may feel like you are just treading water but there are plenty of people here to help you stay afloat.
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Old 04-23-2014, 03:10 PM
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Addiction isn’t “fun”: The problem with moderation manifestoes - Salon.com
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Old 04-23-2014, 04:22 PM
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Welcome. By the way, a hangover *IS* alcohol withdrawal. It can get a lot worse though, and I am glad you are catching this at a young age. Lots of great support here.
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