Forgiveness?
Hi all,
I don't think I am ready to forgive my abusive XAB but it might help me keep moving on. I am a couple weeks out of the entire situation and made the decision to not have contact. It's taking a lot of strength to not write angry emails/seeing how he is even though I know his reaction will be a big F you. I understand alcoholism is a disease. I can forgive him for that, I think. I just cannot forgive him for physically abusing me countless times over three years. I forgave him each and every time and that excused it in his mind. He is four months sober and still blames his violence on the disease. He was a professional at making me feel guilty, everything was my fault. I did make it worse by confronting him while he was drunk and that sent him over the edge into a rage. He would always say "well you started it, if you left me alone I wouldn't have hurt you." But I didn't know about detachment or anything until I got out of the relationship. I was so angry because of the broken promises and lies right to my face. I am going to a meeting with a domestic violence case worker next Monday and it can't come soon enough. To evaporate my feelings of love and compassion for him, I have been reading a ton of domestic violence stories online to remind myself why I left. I also untagged photos of us on Facebook and just seeing his face gave me bad anxiety. It's insane to me how just a few weeks ago I was still under his charming spell, thinking about how we could still be best friends, go camping together this summer because we never got to when we were together. I felt like by being friends with him it was giving him the idea it's ok to abuse me. This is all so confusing in my head and heart. How do you forgive someone like that?