Forgiveness?

Old 04-21-2014, 04:51 PM
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Forgiveness?

Hi all,

I don't think I am ready to forgive my abusive XAB but it might help me keep moving on. I am a couple weeks out of the entire situation and made the decision to not have contact. It's taking a lot of strength to not write angry emails/seeing how he is even though I know his reaction will be a big F you. I understand alcoholism is a disease. I can forgive him for that, I think. I just cannot forgive him for physically abusing me countless times over three years. I forgave him each and every time and that excused it in his mind. He is four months sober and still blames his violence on the disease. He was a professional at making me feel guilty, everything was my fault. I did make it worse by confronting him while he was drunk and that sent him over the edge into a rage. He would always say "well you started it, if you left me alone I wouldn't have hurt you." But I didn't know about detachment or anything until I got out of the relationship. I was so angry because of the broken promises and lies right to my face. I am going to a meeting with a domestic violence case worker next Monday and it can't come soon enough. To evaporate my feelings of love and compassion for him, I have been reading a ton of domestic violence stories online to remind myself why I left. I also untagged photos of us on Facebook and just seeing his face gave me bad anxiety. It's insane to me how just a few weeks ago I was still under his charming spell, thinking about how we could still be best friends, go camping together this summer because we never got to when we were together. I felt like by being friends with him it was giving him the idea it's ok to abuse me. This is all so confusing in my head and heart. How do you forgive someone like that?
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Old 04-21-2014, 05:44 PM
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Are you sure you're ready for that yet? Forgiveness can be a wonderful thing, I agree (I even mention it in my signature), and a great way to grow, but, "To everything there is a season", right?

You still have a lot of You to work on, and you're doing such a wonderful job. Maybe you should stay on this path for a while longer. Forgiveness can wait a few weeks, a few years, a few decades. You don't owe anybody (accept yourself) anything.

(But when you're ready I do think my signature gives a great tip.)
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Old 04-21-2014, 05:58 PM
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totally what Karma just said. forgiveness involves a whole lot of self reflection and introspection. it can take YEARS. that we aspire to forgiveness is good enough..............for now.
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Old 04-21-2014, 06:00 PM
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It took me 30 years to get to the point where I was ready to forgive my abusive father. (I've since realized that I'm not quite there yet with my step-monster).
When I finally got to that point, it really wasn't even about my dad anymore, it was about me letting go of my anger and pain. He didn't have to earn or deserve my forgiveness, I did it for me. I'd carried that load long enough.

"Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves."

{Love your signature line SeriousKarma! It's perfect.)
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Old 04-21-2014, 06:03 PM
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Originally Posted by SeriousKarma View Post
Are you sure you're ready for that yet? Forgiveness can be a wonderful thing, I agree (I even mention it in my signature), and a great way to grow, but, "To everything there is a season", right?

You still have a lot of You to work on, and you're doing such a wonderful job. Maybe you should stay on this path for a while longer. Forgiveness can wait a few weeks, a few years, a few decades. You don't owe anybody (accept yourself) anything.

(But when you're ready I do think my signature gives a great tip.)

Thanks. I don't think I'm ready yet. I think part of me is wanting to forgive him (and let him know) so I hope he forgives ME for being angry. Wow, that sounds twisted and proves I have a lot to work through.
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Old 04-21-2014, 06:04 PM
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I have found that I have wanted my husband to heal the pain he caused because it was either easier or because I didn't know how to heal it myself. Motives get very tricky. Give yourself some time. The truth will be revealed.
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Old 04-21-2014, 06:07 PM
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Originally Posted by mattmathews View Post
It took me 30 years to get to the point where I was ready to forgive my abusive father. (I've since realized that I'm not quite there yet with my step-monster).
When I finally got to that point, it really wasn't even about my dad anymore, it was about me letting go of my anger and pain. He didn't have to earn or deserve my forgiveness, I did it for me. I'd carried that load long enough.

"Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves."

{Love your signature line SeriousKarma! It's perfect.)
I'm glad you got to that point. I know I need to be patient with myself. I guess I thought once I was physically out of the situation my mental health would have gotten better, too. I need to learn patience. Thanks for your response.
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Old 04-21-2014, 10:42 PM
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Hi Meggy,

In my mind, to forgive someone does not mean that I absolve them of all guilt or responsibility for the event / situation. It certainly does not mean that I take on the responsibility myself. I can recognize that maybe I was in the wrong place at the wrong time so that I was caught in their crosshairs. I can let go of my hurt and anger because I know they would have done the same thing to anyone who had gotten in their way. It probably wasn't personal. But, that does not excuse their behavior or wipe the slate clean. I will remember and learn from my mistakes. I will not make myself available to them again.

At least, that is my own personal pep talk. I haven't really mastered the whole letting go thing when it comes to my XAH, although I have removed myself from his company. I was a slow learner, but I got there... I'm sure I'll find forgiveness too someday.

Peace,
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Old 04-21-2014, 10:46 PM
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Forgiveness isn't ignoring or absolving anyone of their wrongs, but choosing to let it go. Doesn't sound like you're ready to let go. Once you have forgiven someone, that's it. It can't come up again unless the wrong is repeated. It's for you, not for them. For now I would just work on the stages of grief and putting one foot in front of the other.
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Old 04-21-2014, 11:09 PM
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Personally I find it hard to forgive someone who hasn't expressed regret. Once they do say sorry I have no problem letting it go. No words of wisdom for you Merry, except that from reading your post forgiveness seems to equate to getting in touch with him again, which would slow your recovery and be futile at this stage.
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Old 04-22-2014, 04:07 AM
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Forgiveness for someone for me comes when I am able to forgive myself first. In situations where I have been wronged my accountability was allowing it to continue. The anger I felt toward the other person was masking the anger at my own inability to extricate myself from the situation, and allowing that type of behavior to go on.

The worst offender of this was my previous relationship which was very emotionally abusive. Once I forgave myself, I moved on quickly. Now when I think of him it's without anger. He is just someone I used to know. I don't know if that's forgiveness per se, do all people deserve "forgiveness"? I think its more acceptance of who they are and not letting what they did bother me anymore.
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Old 04-22-2014, 07:08 AM
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Originally Posted by Fathom View Post
I can recognize that maybe I was in the wrong place at the wrong time so that I was caught in their crosshairs. I can let go of my hurt and anger because I know they would have done the same thing to anyone who had gotten in their way. It probably wasn't personal. But, that does not excuse their behavior or wipe the slate clean. I will remember and learn from my mistakes. I will not make myself available to them again.
Thanks Fathom, I love this.
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Old 04-22-2014, 08:49 AM
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Yes, Fathom your words were perfect. Exactly what I needed to read today.
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Old 04-22-2014, 10:24 AM
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Forgiveness does NOT mean you have to let the person back in your life.

(Fathom said this in different words in her great post, but I think it bears repeating.)
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Old 04-22-2014, 10:47 AM
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Forgiveness ?????????????

What does that really mean? I think many have their own way of dealing with this. I think it depends on the circumstances and the situations.

When I left my ex I had to learn forgiveness. Why? I don't want to forgive him for what he did, he hurt me, he was abusive to me, he hit me.

I needed to forgive at this time to release the poisons that I had in my own body by remembering this. I forgave him to help me.

It didn't meant I forgave and forgot. It meant I needed to do this for me. I couldn't, wouldn't, didn't want to hold all of that anger in me anymore, I needed to let it go.

I would think that you might be at this stage now. I'm not sure though.

Then I needed to work on me. I needed to learn to forgive myself, and also to recognize the parts that I was playing in it. I needed to forgive myself, so that I could learn how to love myself.

Then I needed to bring the 2 of those together. I can now forgive my ex for his abusiveness, doesn't mean that I will forget it, it means I can still have compassion and love for him, but that he cannot be in my life. I can also now try to live my life the best that I can.

I think the first step, which I do think that you are going through is so important, because I don't think that you can work through the anger, disappointment, the obsessiveness that especially I had, without the initial forgiving. Just look at it like you are releasing the poisons from your body so that you can do your own healing.

(((((((((hugs))))))))
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