Yesterday SO went to work at his art studio. When he was leaving I said jokingly, "you won't be gone for three days this time, will you?" He laughed and said "of course not. I am doing a lot of work but I'll be home at a decent hour." He hasn't gone to the studio since November when he disappeared for three days, so I know it could be a trigger for him. However, I really can't worry about him drinking. That's on him.
This was at 12:00 yesterday. I called him around 6:00 but no answer. Texted and called around 8:00 with no answer. I started getting anxious. He's been very vigilant about staying in touch with me when he's going to be gone for a while, as he knows it triggers me and causes me anxiety when he doesn't. At this point I've accepted that he's probably drinking. I am just wondering if he's going to bother coming home.
Around 8:45 I get a text that says, "on my way home. I failed.
" I am relieved to hear from him and have a feeling I know what "I failed" means. He came in crying, saying, "I ****** up. I am so mad at myself. I have no one to blame but myself." I asked him what happened and why he drank. He ran into an old friend who was in from SF. His sister was having a party so he went.
It was a beautiful day yesterday, and I wouldn't have passed up the chance to go to a BBQ with a view either! He held out on drinking for about 1/2 hour, but could not resist the temptation. I don't know this friend but he's the same one my BF initially went out with last June when I started realizing the extent of his drinking problem the first time he disappeared and didn't come home until 5:00 am. I don't know if he's an alcoholic, but he's definitely a drinker. I told him that in sobriety maybe he just can't hang out with people who are drinkers. I rarely do, and I never take him around them. It was sad because he doesn't have a lot of friends and when he started talking about him,he said, "I really missed him. We were laughing and catching up and it was so good to spend time with him." He started crying again. I really felt for him. I am very lucky to have great long-term friends in my life and I understand the value of being able to connect with people on a certain level. It's not easy to find people you relate with in this world.
He had two drinks (grey goose with fresh squeezed OJ), and he said all he felt was anxiety, shame and guilt while drinking them. Drinking simply does not work for him anymore. Then he told his friend he had stopped drinking almost six months ago and that he had to leave. His friend said, "I am so sorry to put you in this position!" and said they should meet up for coffee while he's in town. I'm really glad he was supportive of my SO. It makes all the difference. He didn't know what was really going on with SO and never would have given him those drinks.
I'm also glad my SO ate before he drank so he didn't get totally wasted from the get go. Yeah, he drank, but he stopped himself and came home. He was honest about it. He didn't run away, lie or hide. I give him credit for that. It was a learning experience and I totally get how hard it is navigate social situations when newly sober. It's tough. At least he realized that alcohol is NOT fun for him and never will be. He would have had more fun sober and really could have enjoyed being with his friend. I told him having a plan in place and leaving BEFORE picking up the drink is something that you just HAVE to do sometimes. Protecting your sobriety at all costs has to be the #1 priority. It's rough though because it can make you feel like an outcast, like you're missing out on interacting with people. I told him that it gets easier with time. It does.
He said deep down he knew this was coming. So did I. I am proud of myself for listening and acting like an adult instead of REACTING and acting like a parent. Yes, I was pissed but I also have compassion for him as I know what it's like. Summer's coming and there's no getting around social situations where alcohol will be present. He either has to learn how to deal or stay away from those situations for now. I'm just glad it was a kick in the ass for him and didn't turn into a bender.
Anyway, if you've read this far, thank you. I'm doing much better after the therapy session which made me see things from a different perspective. Thinking about intentions behind actions is important. He is not doing what he's doing AT me, and I am in control of myself and my reactions. I am so glad I was able to let go of my anger. I don't feel like I am compromising myself either. Last night I told him that "progress not perfection" is the way it is, and not to beat himself up. Chalk it up to a learning experience and move on. You have all helped me see this for myself too. The therapist told us that we are both making progress and it doesn't happen overnight. Patience is something I thought I had down at this point (ahahaha!), good one I know.
We're going to another therapy session Tuesday. Should be interesting.
Again, thank you for reading. I wanted to write about how I was feeling but just couldn't put it into words until now.
Have a good weekend. xoxo