progress not perfection

Old 04-19-2014, 06:40 AM
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progress not perfection

Yesterday SO went to work at his art studio. When he was leaving I said jokingly, "you won't be gone for three days this time, will you?" He laughed and said "of course not. I am doing a lot of work but I'll be home at a decent hour." He hasn't gone to the studio since November when he disappeared for three days, so I know it could be a trigger for him. However, I really can't worry about him drinking. That's on him.

This was at 12:00 yesterday. I called him around 6:00 but no answer. Texted and called around 8:00 with no answer. I started getting anxious. He's been very vigilant about staying in touch with me when he's going to be gone for a while, as he knows it triggers me and causes me anxiety when he doesn't. At this point I've accepted that he's probably drinking. I am just wondering if he's going to bother coming home.

Around 8:45 I get a text that says, "on my way home. I failed. " I am relieved to hear from him and have a feeling I know what "I failed" means. He came in crying, saying, "I ****** up. I am so mad at myself. I have no one to blame but myself." I asked him what happened and why he drank. He ran into an old friend who was in from SF. His sister was having a party so he went.

It was a beautiful day yesterday, and I wouldn't have passed up the chance to go to a BBQ with a view either! He held out on drinking for about 1/2 hour, but could not resist the temptation. I don't know this friend but he's the same one my BF initially went out with last June when I started realizing the extent of his drinking problem the first time he disappeared and didn't come home until 5:00 am. I don't know if he's an alcoholic, but he's definitely a drinker. I told him that in sobriety maybe he just can't hang out with people who are drinkers. I rarely do, and I never take him around them. It was sad because he doesn't have a lot of friends and when he started talking about him,he said, "I really missed him. We were laughing and catching up and it was so good to spend time with him." He started crying again. I really felt for him. I am very lucky to have great long-term friends in my life and I understand the value of being able to connect with people on a certain level. It's not easy to find people you relate with in this world.

He had two drinks (grey goose with fresh squeezed OJ), and he said all he felt was anxiety, shame and guilt while drinking them. Drinking simply does not work for him anymore. Then he told his friend he had stopped drinking almost six months ago and that he had to leave. His friend said, "I am so sorry to put you in this position!" and said they should meet up for coffee while he's in town. I'm really glad he was supportive of my SO. It makes all the difference. He didn't know what was really going on with SO and never would have given him those drinks.

I'm also glad my SO ate before he drank so he didn't get totally wasted from the get go. Yeah, he drank, but he stopped himself and came home. He was honest about it. He didn't run away, lie or hide. I give him credit for that. It was a learning experience and I totally get how hard it is navigate social situations when newly sober. It's tough. At least he realized that alcohol is NOT fun for him and never will be. He would have had more fun sober and really could have enjoyed being with his friend. I told him having a plan in place and leaving BEFORE picking up the drink is something that you just HAVE to do sometimes. Protecting your sobriety at all costs has to be the #1 priority. It's rough though because it can make you feel like an outcast, like you're missing out on interacting with people. I told him that it gets easier with time. It does.

He said deep down he knew this was coming. So did I. I am proud of myself for listening and acting like an adult instead of REACTING and acting like a parent. Yes, I was pissed but I also have compassion for him as I know what it's like. Summer's coming and there's no getting around social situations where alcohol will be present. He either has to learn how to deal or stay away from those situations for now. I'm just glad it was a kick in the ass for him and didn't turn into a bender.

Anyway, if you've read this far, thank you. I'm doing much better after the therapy session which made me see things from a different perspective. Thinking about intentions behind actions is important. He is not doing what he's doing AT me, and I am in control of myself and my reactions. I am so glad I was able to let go of my anger. I don't feel like I am compromising myself either. Last night I told him that "progress not perfection" is the way it is, and not to beat himself up. Chalk it up to a learning experience and move on. You have all helped me see this for myself too. The therapist told us that we are both making progress and it doesn't happen overnight. Patience is something I thought I had down at this point (ahahaha!), good one I know.

We're going to another therapy session Tuesday. Should be interesting.

Again, thank you for reading. I wanted to write about how I was feeling but just couldn't put it into words until now.

Have a good weekend. xoxo
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Old 04-19-2014, 06:48 AM
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Another thing the therapist said really affected me. When I told him that I decided to be completely hands off when SO came back from rehab, he asked me why. I told him it was the whole detachment thing, that SO is a adult and can handle his own recovery. Even though I saw this coming from a mile away I didn't say much. The therapist said there is a balance between detaching and being who you are. He asked, "are you usually totally hands off in your relationships with people?" I said, "no, of course not." He said that I could say something without telling SO what to do and to not change who I am just because I think I'm supposed to be completely detached. Jeez, this **** is hard. It makes me realize what an issue all-or-nothing (addictive) thinking is for me. Great....something else to work on!
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Old 04-19-2014, 06:49 AM
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Sorry to hear that.

Keep your anti-denial/BS hat on. It is so easy to slip back into that world. I did.

I wouldn't buy the two drink thing. They all have two drinks. Not that it matters, but it was the little things I accepted that led to the BIGGER things that I accepted. Eventually, doing mental gymnastics to accept things...denial again.

Hugs to you!
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Old 04-19-2014, 06:51 AM
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Originally Posted by readerbaby71 View Post
Another thing the therapist said really affected me. When I told him that I decided to be completely hands off when SO came back from rehab, he asked me why. I told him it was the whole detachment thing, that SO is a adult and can handle his own recovery. Even though I saw this coming from a mile away I didn't say much. The therapist said there is a balance between detaching and being who you are. He asked, "are you usually totally hands off in your relationships with people?" I said, "no, of course not." He said that I could say something without telling SO what to do and to not change who I am just because I think I'm supposed to be completely detached. Jeez, this **** is hard. It makes me realize what an issue all-or-nothing (addictive) thinking is for me. Great....something else to work on!
Do you think T was pointing out that with a healthy non-A partner you could be "yourself" but with an A you have to change to detach?
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Old 04-19-2014, 06:54 AM
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Originally Posted by MissFixit View Post
Sorry to hear that.

Keep your anti-denial/BS hat on. It is so easy to slip back into that world. I did.

I wouldn't buy the two drink thing. They all have two drinks. Not that it matters, but it was the little things I accepted that led to the BIGGER things that I accepted. Eventually, doing mental gymnastics to accept things...denial again.

Hugs to you!

Ha, I did ask him that! I said, "f you're going to be completely honest, be honest. Was it really two?" He said it was two big ones, which is more like 4 or 5. I'm glad he told me the truth about that. And I am keeping my BS detector on. I can't live a life filled with anxiety and anger again.
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Old 04-19-2014, 07:53 AM
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Wow. I am really impressed ReaderBaby! Way to go! I really liked hearing that trying to regain a balance in overly detaching that your T mentioned. I am always struggling with that.

If I had lived through your evening, I would have been a anger ball zapping around a pinball machine at least for awhile. I might have had to lose a few quarters and then maybe then I would have calmed down.
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Old 04-19-2014, 07:53 AM
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Originally Posted by MissFixit View Post
Do you think T was pointing out that with a healthy non-A partner you could be "yourself" but with an A you have to change to detach?
I don''t know. I hadn't thought about it that way. I'm trying to focus on being my authentic self for me and staying on my side of the street. We also talked about expectations and how the whole thing is a process. I can't expect to start a marathon and cross the finish line in five minutes.
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Old 04-19-2014, 07:56 AM
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Originally Posted by CodeJob View Post
Wow. I am really impressed ReaderBaby! Way to go! I really liked hearing that trying to regain a balance in overly detaching that your T mentioned. I am always struggling with that.

If I had lived through your evening, I would have been a anger ball zapping around a pinball machine at least for awhile. I might have had to lose a few quarters and then maybe then I would have calmed down.
Oh, I was angry. But I practiced the breathing we discussed in therapy and tried to look at it from a perspective of compassion. I didn't really talk to him until he had settled down and taken a shower, so that gave me about an hour to gather my thoughts and decompress. I'm learning that immediate reactions are not necessary, nor are they usually positive. A discussion is always better than a fight, no!?
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Old 04-19-2014, 09:14 AM
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My RABH said something the otherday that your post reminded me of...something about "4 slips" during the early recovery period is about average. Your right sometimes good things come out of the worst mistakes! Recovery is more about the emotional sobriety part. When working on that part the urge goes away. AA says the booze is but a symptom. So good for you guys! Progress not perfection!

The "slips" early on scared me, but now that I see such positive changes in RABF personality, i think a slip wouldnt be so devestating. I get how hard he is working the program. So as long as he recognizes the mistake and took it seriously...i wouldnt worry myself too much. There is a learning curve after all! And btw...my rabf didnt/couldnt "finish the job" either because he knew it was wrong!
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Old 04-19-2014, 09:31 AM
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Doesnt really matter if it was 2 or 10 because 1 is too many and 100's not enough for an A
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Old 04-19-2014, 10:19 AM
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Thank you so much for sharing this! I think it's really helpful to read about a relapse without everything going completely haywire. I feel like there are so many relapse stories about an alcoholic getting some sobriety under their belt and then having a drink and it turns into a 2 week bender with all hell breaking loose. This sounds more like he caved under pressure (his own pressure, from what it sounds like) and then realized he was making a mistake and stopped himself. I hope he doesn't drink today.

Also this:

The therapist said there is a balance between detaching and being who you are. He asked, "are you usually totally hands off in your relationships with people?" I said, "no, of course not." He said that I could say something without telling SO what to do and to not change who I am just because I think I'm supposed to be completely detached. Jeez, this **** is hard. It makes me realize what an issue all-or-nothing (addictive) thinking is for me. Great....something else to work on!
You are telling me! It feels like such a fine line sometimes! About 2 weeks ago RAH came over and told me he was in kind of a funk and I literally told him "you need to go to a meeting or call your sponsor, your funk is not my problem." When I told my counselor she told me that alcoholics are allowed to have bad days too and that it's okay to be sympathetic and kind rather than making him feel alone by "detaching" from him. What do I want from my husband when I'm having a bad day? Wanting comfort from your spouse is not unhealthy. At the end of the day, he's still my husband and we still need to have closeness in our relationship, we just cannot try to solve each other's problems. He and I are both guilty of all or nothing thinking too. That's a habitual way of thinking that is proving to be hard for me to kick.

It sounds like you're both making progress and that is so awesome! Perfection isn't a real thing anyway.
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Old 04-19-2014, 10:36 AM
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Yikes. I forget what it was like, living with the questions circle: 'is he sober? Where was he? Was he drinking? Do I say anything? If he responds, do I believe him? Do I interrogate or should I ignore him? Who was he with? Why am I asking myself so many questions? Is it my imagination? Am I being difficult? Have I always been difficult? Maybe I should just say nothing before I start a big fight. I will go put the children to bed. But is he sober? Where was he? Should I let him read to the children or will he pass out again? When he passes out what do I do? Leave him lying there, in which case he'll be angry when he wakes up, or wake him up and he'll be angry anyway? Or is he just tired and I am just being difficult? Why am I so difficult? Why do I keep asking myself all these questions?...'

Sorry rb, your post triggered me. Sorry you have all this hard work to deal with! I hope this goes in the direction that will be the most positive for you!
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Old 04-19-2014, 10:55 AM
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Originally Posted by readerbaby71 View Post
Oh, I was angry. But I practiced the breathing we discussed in therapy and tried to look at it from a perspective of compassion. I didn't really talk to him until he had settled down and taken a shower, so that gave me about an hour to gather my thoughts and decompress. I'm learning that immediate reactions are not necessary, nor are they usually positive. A discussion is always better than a fight, no!?
You are doing fantastic
Just a friendly suggestion as a fellow double winner, since he might be back on a slippery slope: make sure you stay tight with your own alcoholism program so his drinking does not trigger yours. It's good that at least he did not drink at home in front of you.
Like you, I see my recovery as a process and sometimes it is 2 steps forward and one step backward: progress not perfection. The only thing you and I have to do absolutely perfectly is abstain from the first drink, anything else is a work in progress.

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Old 04-19-2014, 05:30 PM
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I had something like that happen to me a few weeks ago, and I posted about it in my thread here:

Originally Posted by BlueChair View Post
A few updates:

4. I get home, and he’s been drinking. Had a bottle of wine open and half was gone. Not drunk. He didnt hide it, and went off on how he is depressed, frustrated at work because he hasn’t earned back their trust and isnt being given enough responsibility, he feels underutilized, wants to quit, is tired of it all. He asked me to have a glass with him and I said no, not like this. Hes not even supposed to mix alcohol with the antidepressant. He drank another glass and poured the rest out, apologized for not being perfect, and stared at me I think for comfort, but what can I say. I told him I dont expect perfection, but drinking wont help and he knows this. It wont make the stress of work, or problems with his boss go away for more than a few hours, he needs lasting solutions. I said how do you think you can handle something stressful at work when there is a lot at stake when you cant handle the stress of being bored? I told him his boss was trying to protect him because hes not showing he’s ready for more responsibility and the pressure comes with it. I told him I loved him and he was smarter than this to deal with his pain by drinking. Its one thing to drink but he is doing it to avoid life and its wrong, it will make him weaker in the end. Then he cried and said he was sorry, he’s hurting and doesnt know what to do, nothing makes it better. Im not mad at him, I feel his pain and it makes me sad. He fell asleep on the couch with me.

5. We both went to work like normal and I did ok with my own emotions. Im not unhappy with anything I said to him, he took it all in stride and we had an honest talk back and forth. It could have turned into a fight, with one of us shutting down, Im not giving into my own fears, and wont make more out of this than it was. I talked to my mom, a couple of my friends here on SR, and made it only a piece of my day.

After that we decided to go away for the weekend with some friends, all sober activities and both had a great time.

My counselor, and family counselor were both proud of each of us for how we handled it, and the next week he did talk to his counselor about it, was honest like BF was

YOU DID GREAT((READERBABY)).

I dont really understand about the whole idea of needing to detach too much my counselors never told me to do it, but I try to be authentic in our relationship like I always was, and thankfully he gives back. Feels like a two way street or I guess it wouldnt work. If its like that with your BF, dont let it go !
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Old 04-19-2014, 05:56 PM
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readerbaby--I once heard a long recovering alcoholic say: Nothing ruins drinking like a belly full of beer and a head full of AA.

I loved that so m uch!!! It gives me great comfort to know that. Just knowing that with AA circling their brain--they can never really enjoy getting drunk again!!! To me--that is some progress, right there!

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Old 04-20-2014, 05:06 AM
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Very proud of the way you handled this - clearly you are doing well in recovery.

I gotta tell you I am seeing some red flags aside from the drinking. Not sure I buy the story of how this happened. Not sure if that is overly important except that just a week ago you caught BF laying out of work and lying about it. I'm questioning if he is in full relapse mode. The explanation he gave sounds all warm and fuzzy, but it also sounds full of quacking.

I would expect a call to a sponsor today, meeting or meetings, a full throttle "get it under control". Watch and wait.

I do hope this was just a minor slip up - am hoping today you see him more ramped up to maintain sobriety.
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Old 04-20-2014, 06:00 AM
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I think you are doing beautifully readerbaby, you really handled this well. I think Carlotta's advice about staying focused on your own recovery & redlanta's about staying aware of red flags were spot-on too. But judging by the way you handled this you are keeping that all in mind so far. It's like riding a wave isn't it? You want to brace yourself for potential impact but not so tightly that you get knocked sideways, losing the ability to roll with it, fighting for control against every little tug of the tide.

I struggle with "appropriate" detachment too - the line between supportive & enabling. RAH is struggling this week - he hits a milestone bday which he seems bittersweet about in light of all the chaos he is facing in his life and his grandma passed away a couple of days ago. They weren't close & he has always struggled with love vs. obligation & it is always compounded for him in times of guilt or grief. So I want to be supportive, sure. But he is also internalizing a lot of it right now so I can't do much more than just give him time & space..... which is easy in theory but I've been needing a lot of that myself lately since I have not been getting enough of either over the last few months.... it's hard to strike a balance when you factor in DD, etc.

I ran across this video & have watched it about 32 times since, lol:

The Power of Empathy ~ Dr. Brene Brown
RSA Shorts - The Power of Empathy - YouTube

I was going to post a new thread about it but I just haven't had a chance. To me it was super helpful, especially for a 2-min clip. It helped me see the definition of empathy from a slightly different perspective & how it is a non-judgemental way of supporting others.... which to me is pretty parallel to my definition to "detachment". I also find her background interesting - she is a research professor that specializes in the studies of vulnerability, courage, worthiness & shame. Very interesting.

I hope you are having a Happy Easter!
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Old 04-20-2014, 06:16 AM
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Originally Posted by redatlanta View Post
Very proud of the way you handled this - clearly you are doing well in recovery.

I gotta tell you I am seeing some red flags aside from the drinking. Not sure I buy the story of how this happened. Not sure if that is overly important except that just a week ago you caught BF laying out of work and lying about it. I'm questioning if he is in full relapse mode. The explanation he gave sounds all warm and fuzzy, but it also sounds full of quacking.

I would expect a call to a sponsor today, meeting or meetings, a full throttle "get it under control". Watch and wait.

I do hope this was just a minor slip up - am hoping today you see him more ramped up to maintain sobriety.
He went to a meeting and called an aa friend last night. This guy is an oldtimer and more of a mentor than a sponsor. He told him he needs to get a sponsor and really start working it.

He admits that he is in full relapse mode, but I will keep my eyes open.
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Old 04-20-2014, 06:31 AM
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Originally Posted by BlueChair View Post
I had something like that happen to me a few weeks ago, and I posted about it in my thread here:




After that we decided to go away for the weekend with some friends, all sober activities and both had a great time.

My counselor, and family counselor were both proud of each of us for how we handled it, and the next week he did talk to his counselor about it, was honest like BF was

YOU DID GREAT((READERBABY)).

I dont really understand about the whole idea of needing to detach too much my counselors never told me to do it, but I try to be authentic in our relationship like I always was, and thankfully he gives back. Feels like a two way street or I guess it wouldnt work. If its like that with your BF, dont let it go !
He knows that drinking at home is a dealbreaker. This is to protect my sobriety. I didn't keep alcohol in my house before I met him and I won't, ever. He tends to shut down and close himself off when he's not feeling good. When we communicate though it's usually pretty good. He always talks about being a "team" and I'll admit I throw that in there when he's not acting like a team player. LOL I believe our relationship is worth the work, but if he has a full-blown drinking relapse I cannot go back to living with an active alcoholic. My mental health is just too precarious for that.

Thanks for your support everyone!
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Old 04-20-2014, 06:40 AM
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Originally Posted by FireSprite View Post
I think you are doing beautifully readerbaby, you really handled this well. I think Carlotta's advice about staying focused on your own recovery & redlanta's about staying aware of red flags were spot-on too. But judging by the way you handled this you are keeping that all in mind so far. It's like riding a wave isn't it? You want to brace yourself for potential impact but not so tightly that you get knocked sideways, losing the ability to roll with it, fighting for control against every little tug of the tide.

I struggle with "appropriate" detachment too - the line between supportive & enabling. RAH is struggling this week - he hits a milestone bday which he seems bittersweet about in light of all the chaos he is facing in his life and his grandma passed away a couple of days ago. They weren't close & he has always struggled with love vs. obligation & it is always compounded for him in times of guilt or grief. So I want to be supportive, sure. But he is also internalizing a lot of it right now so I can't do much more than just give him time & space..... which is easy in theory but I've been needing a lot of that myself lately since I have not been getting enough of either over the last few months.... it's hard to strike a balance when you factor in DD, etc.

I ran across this video & have watched it about 32 times since, lol:

The Power of Empathy ~ Dr. Brene Brown
RSA Shorts - The Power of Empathy - YouTube

I was going to post a new thread about it but I just haven't had a chance. To me it was super helpful, especially for a 2-min clip. It helped me see the definition of empathy from a slightly different perspective & how it is a non-judgemental way of supporting others.... which to me is pretty parallel to my definition to "detachment". I also find her background interesting - she is a research professor that specializes in the studies of vulnerability, courage, worthiness & shame. Very interesting.

I hope you are having a Happy Easter!
Thank you so much for posting that video. I love it! It made me think of my dad. While he's a wonderful, positive person, I realize now that he responds in a sympathetic way, which sounds like preaching. No wonder his "advice" always irritates me. Haha! Happy Easter!
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