Me too, I am so sorry, Nthe M, for your loss.
As to the OP, I stayed with xah 20 years and now out of the relationship for 18 months. I can pass for normal but I am just beginning to see how much wreckage he's left behind him. Within me and my children. When I first got him out I thought I was done. Free. But he is still inside my head many times and it's so hard to shake off his influence. I had no idea how bad things had gotten.
I thought of leaving him starting back in 2003, but I kept falling for his lines, I took a lot of the blame for his bad behavior towards me and I retreated inward. Without having any idea what the heck I was doing to myself. I half vanished.
I also couldn't figure out where to run to, who to turn to for help.
I didn't realize that I could do so many things and figure things out on my own. It took having no other choice to begin to find out what I was capable of.
I don't think anyone who has stayed can say it was a good choice because they have not experienced looking back at themselves after they got out.
That doesn't mean that I don't empathize with why people stay. The children and I lost a lot when the marriage fell apart. And I don't know yet how things will unfold, but the situation remains painfully precarious. If Xah hadn't terrified me extremely, I might have hung in there with him, who knows. There are many 'rational' reasons to stay, especially when you've lost track of what's become of you.