Those who Stayed

Old 04-18-2014, 01:09 PM
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Those who Stayed

To those who stayed with their AH or AW: Do you wish you hadn't? Do you regret it?
(I'm talking the married/together 10+ years situations)
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Old 04-18-2014, 01:23 PM
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Originally Posted by Blossom717 View Post
To those who stayed with their AH or AW: Do you wish you hadn't? Do you regret it?
(I'm talking the married/together 10+ years situations)
I really don't know if you are talking to me here, or if you are looking for a success story. I was married 27+ years, lived together 25+ years.

The only and the biggest regret I have is that I did not leave sooner. I was going to leave at least 8 years prior to when I did leave. 8 years prior to me leaving, I actually still had my own mind, I was still actually able to think. When I left, I really do think that I should have just been institutionalized. I felt that I was almost in a catatonic state.

These people destroy you, then they spit you out. You are never enough for them, no matter what you do to try to prove that you love them. The children become game pieces on a game board.

I don't know if this is what you wanted to hear. So I will stop now.
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Old 04-18-2014, 01:28 PM
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Originally Posted by amy55 View Post
I really don't know if you are talking to me here, or if you are looking for a success story. I was married 27+ years, lived together 25+ years.

The only and the biggest regret I have is that I did not leave sooner. I was going to leave at least 8 years prior to when I did leave. 8 years prior to me leaving, I actually still had my own mind, I was still actually able to think. When I left, I really do think that I should have just been institutionalized. I felt that I was almost in a catatonic state.

These people destroy you, then they spit you out. You are never enough for them, no matter what you do to try to prove that you love them. The children become game pieces on a game board.

I don't know if this is what you wanted to hear. So I will stop now.

I want to hear whatever it is there is to say! I just want to know some other experiences, good or bad. Thank you
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Old 04-18-2014, 01:30 PM
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I can pretty much ditto Amy. The only thing I regret is not leaving sooner.
Of the people I know who have left, nobody has regretted leaving. That I know for sure.
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Old 04-18-2014, 02:14 PM
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Still here. I have been married already 17 years. I am waiting until AH is non-functioning, MIL dies, or my youngest turns 18. So the longest I am looking at is a little under 8 years before I am OUT.OF.HERE.

I get through it ONE DAY AT A TIME. Each day will pass and time will go by...and then it will be here. I have accepted it as such and it's ok. Some will say I am wasting my life....but I already wasted so much by focusing on his alcoholism...once I let him go I was emotionally free. I am preserving my finances as well, since court battles can be costly, and I am not going to do that to myself and lose the ability to support my kids.

Sue
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Old 04-18-2014, 02:45 PM
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I chose to stay. My AH was not a mean or violent drunk. He was well liked by just about everyone. But, it was a long, lonely, painful road to his death just last week. For the past couple of years he just sat in his truck in the yard and drank. No social life, no sex life, no family life... in and out of the hospital, partially due to an accident not involving alcohol that left him with one leg. Then since about February, he started going down hill fast. Confusion got worse. He became incontinent and had diarrhea all the time. Urinated all over the house because he couldn't get to the bathroom in time. But, he was not mean or hateful. He apologized repeatedly for causing so much trouble. Always told anyone who listened what a "good woman" he had! He told me he appreciated everything I did for him.
Then on March 22 he decided to sober up. The cold turkey detox sent his body into shock! Then, 3 weeks and 1 day later his organs had failed and AH was just gone!
I don't regret staying. He died with as much dignity as an alcoholic possibly could. But, I honestly cannot recommend staying to anyone.
Think long and hard about the consequences of staying! Only you can ultimately decide if it is worth staying!
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Old 04-18-2014, 02:53 PM
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Originally Posted by NotTheMama View Post
I chose to stay. My AH was not a mean or violent drunk. He was well liked by just about everyone. But, it was a long, lonely, painful road to his death just last week. For the past couple of years he just sat in his truck in the yard and drank. No social life, no sex life, no family life... in and out of the hospital, partially due to an accident not involving alcohol that left him with one leg. Then since about February, he started going down hill fast. Confusion got worse. He became incontinent and had diarrhea all the time. Urinated all over the house because he couldn't get to the bathroom in time. But, he was not mean or hateful. He apologized repeatedly for causing so much trouble. Always told anyone who listened what a "good woman" he had! He told me he appreciated everything I did for him.
Then on March 22 he decided to sober up. The cold turkey detox sent his body into shock! Then, 3 weeks and 1 day later his organs had failed and AH was just gone!
I don't regret staying. He died with as much dignity as an alcoholic possibly could. But, I honestly cannot recommend staying to anyone.
Think long and hard about the consequences of staying! Only you can ultimately decide if it is worth staying!
I'm so sorry for your loss. Wishing you peace and healing.
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Old 04-18-2014, 03:06 PM
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Not the mama....that is heartbreaking and I am so so sorry. Hugs to you.
I stayed. I had plans to end it at the end of January.
But then my then drinking H had an affair and I found out December 30. Something snapped in me, something snapped in him. He has not had a drink since that day. We are in therapy weekly. He has never been unkind, or violent, ever....that is why I stayed for as long as I did. The affair just about killed me. He was a very depressed man with an array of secrets and those secrets and the alcohol fed off of each other. Now...we are the best we have ever been, together. Once a secret sees the light of day, things often change. It's too early to know if it will remain like this forever, just about four months, but I am glad I stayed.
I would not encourage others to do so, not with an alcoholic. Believe it or not, betrayal is easier to treat if your partner is willing and the betrayed can get through it, it's not easy.
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Old 04-18-2014, 03:10 PM
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Hmmm...my husband and I are separated (this pretty much only means that he lives elsewhere) and I don't have plans to divorce him but I also would not say that I'm staying. I'm really trying to embrace the one day at a time thing. He has 3 months of sobriety now, is doing AA daily, therapy 1-2 times a week, Soberlink several times a day for the foreseeable future (the results are monitored by his therapist), working steps with his sponsor. He's trying really hard at sobriety and he really does feel like a very different person. I like it but it takes some getting used to. It also makes it very clear how much of a jerk I can be when he doesn't reciprocate my jerkiness back at me.

I don't regret not moving forward with a divorce right now, but if he relapses I'll think about what the risk versus reward scenario looks like at that point. Right now, I'm a stay at home mom with a 2 year old and 9 month old. I have a comfortable savings and I recently started my own small business that is bringing in a very small amount if money but its better than nothing. I will say though, I'm VERY happy that we separated. I don't think either of us would be where we are now had we not gotten out of our comfortable dysfunction. We're in a much better place individually and as a married couple and most definitely as parents.
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Old 04-18-2014, 03:17 PM
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Me too, I am so sorry, Nthe M, for your loss.

As to the OP, I stayed with xah 20 years and now out of the relationship for 18 months. I can pass for normal but I am just beginning to see how much wreckage he's left behind him. Within me and my children. When I first got him out I thought I was done. Free. But he is still inside my head many times and it's so hard to shake off his influence. I had no idea how bad things had gotten.

I thought of leaving him starting back in 2003, but I kept falling for his lines, I took a lot of the blame for his bad behavior towards me and I retreated inward. Without having any idea what the heck I was doing to myself. I half vanished.

I also couldn't figure out where to run to, who to turn to for help.

I didn't realize that I could do so many things and figure things out on my own. It took having no other choice to begin to find out what I was capable of.

I don't think anyone who has stayed can say it was a good choice because they have not experienced looking back at themselves after they got out.

That doesn't mean that I don't empathize with why people stay. The children and I lost a lot when the marriage fell apart. And I don't know yet how things will unfold, but the situation remains painfully precarious. If Xah hadn't terrified me extremely, I might have hung in there with him, who knows. There are many 'rational' reasons to stay, especially when you've lost track of what's become of you.
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Old 04-18-2014, 03:52 PM
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Yes and no! For me leaving or throwing my XABF out was the only choice I felt like I had bc I certainly couldn't control his behavior and it was killing me! It's been 2 years since our relationship ended & he no longer lives here but his behavior has not changed much. Maybe a little improvement but not much from what I understand. So for that reason I am glad we are no longer have a relationship. However, I still have tons of healing to do from being in that relationship. I know that much of the reason I haven't healed is bc I have some family connections which keep me in the loop! Not health for me! No doubt this is a negative force for me that I fail to change but truly need to...
So, I regret or I am still sad that it didn't work out but he was never the person I wanted him to be and I miss the person I built in my mind. Sick! I know....it's a double edge sword but I know wo a doubt I was protected by ending the relationship! It doesn't make me stop missing him or the person he could have been. I just couldn't afford to sink with the boat.
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Old 04-18-2014, 04:30 PM
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I stayed 5-6 years. Today I can recall the first big waving red flag within the first 2 months when I should have just walked away. I truly wish I would have ended it right then and there.
The relationship was extremely destructive to me.
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Old 04-18-2014, 04:52 PM
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Originally Posted by amy55 View Post
These people destroy you, then they spit you out. You are never enough for them, no matter what you do to try to prove that you love them. The children become game pieces on a game board.

I don't know if this is what you wanted to hear. So I will stop now.
:'(
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Old 04-18-2014, 05:21 PM
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I stayed. My husband supposedly wanted recovery. He tried for 2 years before he threw in the towel. When he did, I did.

I was in denial for far too long. The damage was already done. So I stayed and worked on me. We finally separated about 1 1/2 months ago.

I wish I had left sooner, but I also wish I wasn't so naive and in such denial before long before that. It wasn't until the ship went down, and I mean down, before I finally accepted the truth. And to this day, I struggle with my own denial and feeling terminal unique.
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Old 04-18-2014, 06:15 PM
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I'm still married and in love with my AH who is working on his recovery again. He's a good man with a HUGE problem. Wish it weren't so but it is. This is my last relationship with a man so I see no point in rushing to be single and or moving on. I love him and I know he loves me and we just take life one day at a time and do what we need to do to get through it... whether it's working together as a team or on our own.
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Old 04-18-2014, 06:22 PM
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I was married to XAH for ten yrs. it was totally dysfunctional from day one.

we were two sick people just waiting to find each other.

I do not regret staying in the marriage as long as I did. even if I did regret staying, I could never change the facts as they happened.

I married my XAH knowing he was an alcoholic. thought I could straighten it out since I was so mighty powerful. clueless!

so, I can now say that my recovery is a gift that I was able to carry away from a devastating relationship.

he helped me save myself from the brokenness that I already had before I married him.
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Old 04-18-2014, 06:30 PM
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Wish I could edit my above post to read that "treating betrayal is easier to treat than alcoholism". (Did I miss an edit feature?)
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Old 04-18-2014, 06:51 PM
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I'm so sorry NotTheMama, thanks for sharing with us.


I've been with my STBXAH for 25ish years now. He's a drunk and a cheat yes, but he also understood my sense of humor like no one else on earth, and that was worth a quarter of a century.

I am who I am now partially because of those 25 years. It's hard to imagine being someone else, and I like myself well enough, so that makes it hard to imagine any other different scenario. I guess that means I don't regret the years.

Having said that, I will admit that I'm not proud of how long it took me to finally face what I was becoming in my marriage. I always knew he drank, but it shouldn't have taken me 25 years to realize how sick his drinking was making me.

So although I don't regret the years I stayed married, I do think I should have walked sooner (like maybe 25 years sooner).
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Old 04-18-2014, 07:09 PM
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Thank God I left. I owe Alanon my life. The hard work now is making sure I never choose another alcoholic and dealing with my own codependent issues.
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Old 04-18-2014, 07:27 PM
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I was married for 11 years to an alcoholic. His cheating ended our marriage, but in hindsight, ours was a marriage that never should have happened.

I was young and dumb when it came to alcoholism. I knew he drank, sometimes too much, but so did a lot of people in our 20s. He did stupid things when he drank, but he was sooooo loving and treated me like a queen. Went out of his way to make me feel special and loved. I figured he would always cherish me that way. Within the first year, he proved my theory wrong. Alcohol was the first love of his life and I learned that the hard way.

It was hell going through our divorce, but looking back, I am thankful that we are no longer married. Life as a single parent and sole bread winner has been challenging, but to this day, he drinks, and that was 14 years ago. My children did not have to grow up in that environment, and for that I am very thankful.
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