Lonely
It's the unspoken between me and the world that makes me feel lonely.
I mean if I heard the inner voices of others as I went through life, I would think I might just figure out how much less alone I really am... Or sadly the opposite.
Either way the silence is deafening at times.
It's in the quiet of myself I found my drinking amplified. Like yet another whiskey shot would somehow give sound to my silent screams. Nope. Instead a nod and smile when another arrived. Certainly no sound then. Just a sob.
Being lonely is not a problem to solve. Its not a condition of my person. It's not a representation of what I am not.
It's a lot like many of the other "problems" I faced with a drink.
Being sober lets me see these problems were... Are ... simply how life is. I have not always been as lonely as this day.
Instead ... today I will remain sober. Take the time to work on things about myself. Maybe read a little. Do a puzzle. Shuffle around an empty apartment looking at things.
No... Those " busy" things don't take the pain of the want away. Not even close.
But I look at it like as if I just learn to keep steady... Even when being steady calls for sadness or uncomfortableness then I actually have something to work with. Some way to see when my sobriety in the good happy times is in balance.
So long story short. I am lonely today. A little sad on a rainy day. But getting in some good sober practice for when I need a boost. And the puzzle is coming alone nicely! A few more pieces in place tonight.
Ken