Confused, I've had many of the same doubts about my A's thoughts and plans in the past. What works best for me is to turn my thoughts to the present moment and do the best I can there. Even if I knew every detail of his thought process for the past 20 years, what would it change for me?
You know what they say, right?
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it's called the present.
Sorry you're struggling so hard w/this. Have you read this yet?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ain-stops.html
Especially take to heart the last lines in it, Confused:
The Pain Stops: when you say goodbye to what never really was, and accept that somewhere in the fog you may or may not have been loved back. And you promise yourself never again to lay in arms that don't know how to cherish the kindness in your heart.
Wishing you strength and clarity.