Today is a difficult day
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Today is a difficult day
Although I'm only awake I know today is going to be difficult. I keep thinking about everything he told me the months and weeks before he left and I don't know what was real and what was a lie! I don't know if he has been planning this it has all happened so suddenly. He's sorted a mortgage bought his own place all within 4 weeks. I feel that the years of paying off our debt so we could buy a new place has been so he could get a mortgage. Is that why he wouldn't spend money to go out or away and is that why he became so stressed when the debt wasn't paid off quick enough because it put back his date to leave? I don't know anything anymore I want to believe he loves me but does he really?
I feel lost did I really spend all those years with some who is capable of that level of manipulation and pretending? I want to ask him but will he be honest and admit anything?
I feel lost did I really spend all those years with some who is capable of that level of manipulation and pretending? I want to ask him but will he be honest and admit anything?
Confused, I've had many of the same doubts about my A's thoughts and plans in the past. What works best for me is to turn my thoughts to the present moment and do the best I can there. Even if I knew every detail of his thought process for the past 20 years, what would it change for me?
You know what they say, right? Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it's called the present.
Sorry you're struggling so hard w/this. Have you read this yet? http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ain-stops.html
Especially take to heart the last lines in it, Confused: The Pain Stops: when you say goodbye to what never really was, and accept that somewhere in the fog you may or may not have been loved back. And you promise yourself never again to lay in arms that don't know how to cherish the kindness in your heart.
Wishing you strength and clarity.
You know what they say, right? Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it's called the present.
Sorry you're struggling so hard w/this. Have you read this yet? http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ain-stops.html
Especially take to heart the last lines in it, Confused: The Pain Stops: when you say goodbye to what never really was, and accept that somewhere in the fog you may or may not have been loved back. And you promise yourself never again to lay in arms that don't know how to cherish the kindness in your heart.
Wishing you strength and clarity.
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
of course I spoke to him when he called to collect our son for school and of course he denied planning any of this. he did say that he wasnt sure whether he came back out of guilt when he left the 2 weeks previously and doesnt know if he is still in love with me he says how can he be if he can put me through this but he does love me. Hes right how can he be in love with me and chose drink and wanting to do his own thing over his family. I didnt text him yesterday until he texted me last night to say night night xx he said he missed me yesterday as he hadnt heard from me
Driving into work today I was listening to one of ellie goldings songs and the words really hit home
How long will I love you as long as theres stars above you and longer if I can
How long will I give to you you as long as I live through you however long you say
How long will I want you as long as you want me and longer by far
particularly the middle line I am living thorugh him and will continue to live through him if I Let it. He is meant to be coming round for easter sunday dinner and I have told him I dont want to see him until then, that 2 weeks away I need to be strong and not contact him. I know it will be difficult but in the mean time I need to spend time with myself trying to come to terms with this and not constantly wanting answers to questions I will never know.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cant change or understand, please give me the strength to get through each day.
this is about getting through each minute at the minute and discovering what I want and who I am. baby steps
Driving into work today I was listening to one of ellie goldings songs and the words really hit home
How long will I love you as long as theres stars above you and longer if I can
How long will I give to you you as long as I live through you however long you say
How long will I want you as long as you want me and longer by far
particularly the middle line I am living thorugh him and will continue to live through him if I Let it. He is meant to be coming round for easter sunday dinner and I have told him I dont want to see him until then, that 2 weeks away I need to be strong and not contact him. I know it will be difficult but in the mean time I need to spend time with myself trying to come to terms with this and not constantly wanting answers to questions I will never know.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cant change or understand, please give me the strength to get through each day.
this is about getting through each minute at the minute and discovering what I want and who I am. baby steps
Confused, I am sorry you are hurt and questioning. You have gotten some very good responses. You are mourning what you thought your relationship was. You were sacrificing financially for a couple's goal and then he left and got his own place. That is a rat bastard thing to do. He sounds like he'd get on you if your tampons cost $10 a month he had you so frugally focused on some future of a lovely summer house... He misled you and screwed you over for his First Lady - alcohol.
I think you are actually ticked off and you need to purge a bit of anger. I repress my anger and it rarely flares. The last time I did was almost a year ago. So I can't tell you how to express it, but it think you need to stop trying to figure his motives out and just have a good session of getting angry.
I think 150 pages of why why why is enough. Time to think about what you want now in this new set of circumstances.
Believe me money is exceedingly important to me for a sense of security. I have some BIG resentments over why our savings accounts are anemic. We used to talk and question how other couples do it and honestly I should have answered, "I do not think either one is an ADDICT. That frees up a lot of cash to not smoke/drink!" But I was in DENIAL. So when I think about this my anger really ends up lying at my own feet...Rats.
I think you are actually ticked off and you need to purge a bit of anger. I repress my anger and it rarely flares. The last time I did was almost a year ago. So I can't tell you how to express it, but it think you need to stop trying to figure his motives out and just have a good session of getting angry.
I think 150 pages of why why why is enough. Time to think about what you want now in this new set of circumstances.
Believe me money is exceedingly important to me for a sense of security. I have some BIG resentments over why our savings accounts are anemic. We used to talk and question how other couples do it and honestly I should have answered, "I do not think either one is an ADDICT. That frees up a lot of cash to not smoke/drink!" But I was in DENIAL. So when I think about this my anger really ends up lying at my own feet...Rats.
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