Originally Posted by
honeypig 
I think we all understand this. I think we've all done the same thing. I know I surely have. It just seems so clear--alcohol is ruining everything that matters, and so the drinking needs to stop! How could there even be any question about it? And so we think, well, I guess I just didn't make it clear enough, I guess I didn't say it in a way that he can understand, I guess he doesn't think I'm serious...I just need to try again and THIS time the message will get thru and he'll stop and life will be perfect.
And that worked so well for me....NOT!
They are looking at things thru their "alcohol goggles" and everything we say pretty much sounds to them like Charlie Brown's teacher in those TV shows.
So this is the part where the partner/spouse/friend of the A needs to take care of him/herself and turn the A over to whatever higher power they believe in, be it God, the Universe, whatever. Our hands are simply not big enough to hold the A and change their life.
Hoping your day today is better and that you find some peace and clarity somewhere in it.
I took me a long time to grasp this. I just couldn't wrap my brain around it. I did not grow up with alcohol around, but was around drinking in my adult life. It was the happy hours or birthday celebrations or just a girls night in watching movies and talking or simply a relaxing drink in the evening. The "concept" of alcoholism was completely lost on me. Yeah, I knew he drank but we all did. I honestly had no idea the extent of it with him.
I am not sure when I "got it" but I just kept going to Alanon (online), my therapist and reading (here and online elsewhere and any book I could get that would finally make it make sense to me).
On thing stands out in my mind - it was when my T said "yes, he is the dependent and you are the codependent." The entire drive home it just kept repeating in my brain. It was like it finally made sense. He is dependent on Alcohol (and by proxy, dependent on me) and I was dependent on him as a result of his dependence.
I think everyone is different in their own discoveries. I think it is important that one listens or reads what they want/need, eventually things will start to line up/make sense. It just takes one piece to fall into place or to be the right thing at the right time and one can finally start their own path to recovery. At least that was the way with me. So many times after that initial point I would remember something I had heard or read and be able to see where that "fit" in with my recovery/journey.