honeypig

Confused, I understand your pain and confusion, really I do. This is so much how I felt a year ago when I had learned of my AH's secret drinking over so many years and the lying and deception that went with it. It seemed every day uncovered a new lie, some new way that he'd connived to do what he wanted to do when he wanted to do it w/o my knowledge. Like you, I doubted everything. Even his acts of kindness were suspect--were they just something he did to "cover up" when he'd done something else particularly bad? I felt as if the ground was crumbling under my feet--everything I had believed in and based my life on was turning out to be false, or so I felt. It's a horrible feeling, so frightening. And I felt so stupid, to be so deceived for so long, too.

(((Hugs))) to you, Confused! You are not alone, and this is temporary pain for long-term gain. You WILL live thru it. You have more strength than you know. There are a lot of threads here about how much better people's lives have become once they begin their own recovery; maybe take some time and search those out to encourage yourself.

One bit of wisdom I've seen posted here again and again: Don't give an ultimatum unless you mean to follow thru. If the threat of ending the marriage is only meant to manipulate him into "choosing you over the drink", then it's better left unsaid. When you know for sure what you want to do and are prepared to take the actions that you say you will, THAT is the time to make those statements. It's OK to wait until you know you are ready to follow thru; otherwise the A just learns, once again, that you don't mean what you say and he can continue to do as he pleases.