Difficult day

Old 04-05-2014, 11:19 AM
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Difficult day

After the conversation I had with my husband yesterday when he said he didn't want the constraints of marriage meaning that he didn't want to consider my feelings relating to his drinking. He had also said he didn't want a divorce!! I thought hard about what he was saying and considered the comments made by others on this forum and friends. I realised that when he said he wanted to do what he wants when he wants also meant that he wanted to pick me up and put me down when he wanted!!

I told him today I wanted a divorce he was actually very upset but I think what I really wanted was to shock him into realising he was about to lose me for good and tell me he had made a mistake by leaving! I didn't get the reaction I wanted and he walked out saying I'm sorry! Of course I immediately sent him a text message saying I regretted what I had asked then wished I hadn't sent that!

I keep thinking maybe it's me who has the issue with his drinking because of our history his drinking isn't as bad as it use to be he didn't drink every night as he used to but then I remember the drinking until he passed out and the times when he continued drinking the next day and how anxious I became when he was drinking and that he never considered my feelings but I think if he was to come round and tell me he had made a hugh mistake by leaving me I would take him back even though I would know that the promises he would make would be empty! I sound pathetic. I feel pathetic!!

Today is difficult I miss the man I love who can be the most considerate kind and loving man. I. Am struggling with the loneliness and miss my husband!! I don't know what has been real or manipulation in our marriage. Did he really love me? Did he really want to spend his life with me or was it all lies?

Today is a day where I want to curl up in a ball I don't know how I am going to get through this and the pain, anger and emptiness becomes worse it doesn't feel it will ever get better!
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Old 04-05-2014, 11:49 AM
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double post, sorry
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Old 04-05-2014, 11:51 AM
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Originally Posted by Confused39 View Post
I don't know what has been real or manipulation in our marriage. Did he really love me? Did he really want to spend his life with me or was it all lies?
Confused, I understand your pain and confusion, really I do. This is so much how I felt a year ago when I had learned of my AH's secret drinking over so many years and the lying and deception that went with it. It seemed every day uncovered a new lie, some new way that he'd connived to do what he wanted to do when he wanted to do it w/o my knowledge. Like you, I doubted everything. Even his acts of kindness were suspect--were they just something he did to "cover up" when he'd done something else particularly bad? I felt as if the ground was crumbling under my feet--everything I had believed in and based my life on was turning out to be false, or so I felt. It's a horrible feeling, so frightening. And I felt so stupid, to be so deceived for so long, too.

(((Hugs))) to you, Confused! You are not alone, and this is temporary pain for long-term gain. You WILL live thru it. You have more strength than you know. There are a lot of threads here about how much better people's lives have become once they begin their own recovery; maybe take some time and search those out to encourage yourself.

One bit of wisdom I've seen posted here again and again: Don't give an ultimatum unless you mean to follow thru. If the threat of ending the marriage is only meant to manipulate him into "choosing you over the drink", then it's better left unsaid. When you know for sure what you want to do and are prepared to take the actions that you say you will, THAT is the time to make those statements. It's OK to wait until you know you are ready to follow thru; otherwise the A just learns, once again, that you don't mean what you say and he can continue to do as he pleases.
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Old 04-05-2014, 11:55 AM
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Hi Confused,

I'm not the best at boundaries. I tend to be a bit too dramatic and a bit late in the timing. So it sounds like you realized your qualifier wanted to have his cake and eat it too. You said, no I want a divorce. But what you really meant was oh honey let's work through this addiction together?

There is phrase that helps "say what you mean and mean what you say." You need to speak your truth and be ready to enforce it.

Don't feel bad. My RAH blew up at me this week because I asked him to take 5lovelanguages quiz online. So now I am not supposed to find answers in books or meditate. He thinks I am doing terribly and is still mad I was depressed to make him feel bad at Christmas. I sort of feel like I have kicked March in the teeth with some super step 4 work. So as usual our paths of recovery do not appear to be in sync.
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Old 04-05-2014, 11:58 AM
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Thank you honeypig. I have said so many things over the years in an attempt to get him to stop drinking and I have never followed through. I think I do want a divorce. He actually told me that he would love for me to come to his new place for dinner and he has imagined this happening but hasn't thought about wanting to come home!! I'm left at home picking up the pieces while he has no responsibilities to me and the kids only himself. It's hard to think that our marriage is over and a divorce will make it all final but I suppose he walked out wanting to drink he's not exactly committed to our marriage!
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Old 04-05-2014, 12:14 PM
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confused---I understand that you are in the greatest of pain. I am soo sorry for the extent of your suffering. Most of us have suffered that much, also.

This is the way it looks to me: Your husband is clearly, at this time, losing the war in his head with the disease of alcoholism. The alcohol has control--meaning that he will do what he has to do to protect his drinking. The drink is the first priority over all else--everyone and anything. His distorted reality from the disease does not look like your reality. You are in his way---anyone who gets in the way of drinking is viewed, through the twisted alcoholic haze, as the enemy.

He, of course, is fighting a losing battle. Alcoholism always "wins" unless stopped by sobriety--complete sobriety. You are also fighting against the alcoholism--your husband isn't fully present--the alcoholism is. You are both suffering in your own way from the same enemy. Most likely, he doesn't want to hurt you. He is just doing what alcoholics do--they drink. He IS hurting you though---terribly. My heart goes out to you.

You can save yourself, though. Maybe, he will save himself--if he ever wants to do it for himself.

There is a road out of this dark forest of despair for you---please hang on and keep posting here--those who have walked in your shoes will reach out and help you find it. You definitely are not alone.

very, very sincerely,
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Old 04-05-2014, 01:24 PM
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Originally Posted by Confused39 View Post
Today is a day where I want to curl up in a ball I don't know how I am going to get through this and the pain, anger and emptiness becomes worse it doesn't feel it will ever get better!
((((hugs)))))

It's okay not to know the answers yet. Take your time and start working on your own recovery.

I know those days and have been there. I've had times where I felt best crawled up in a ball on my closet floor. It was comforting and dark. I wished I could just slip away from life. Now I'm embracing the light, even when my eyes are closed in the middle of the night, whether I'm happy or sad, lost or finding my way. I have moments of being lost instead of months of feeling that way. I now can recognize when I'm not taking care of me and, somehow, amazingly, somewhere along the line I figured out HOW to take care of me and now the rest of life is falling into place.

A good place to start is here at SR and in 12 step meetings, both Alanon and Celebrate Recovery. Therapists who deal with addictions can be of great help also, and there are other avenues of recovery. You don't need to know which route to take or how to get there. Start taking baby steps and keep moving. It'll start to come together. If it doesn't, post for help. Support is here for you. Have you been to any meetings or counseling?


You've already started reaching out. Looking back, that very first step was actually the hardest of all for me.

http://al-anonuk.org.uk/
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