Difficult day
After the conversation I had with my husband yesterday when he said he didn't want the constraints of marriage meaning that he didn't want to consider my feelings relating to his drinking. He had also said he didn't want a divorce!! I thought hard about what he was saying and considered the comments made by others on this forum and friends. I realised that when he said he wanted to do what he wants when he wants also meant that he wanted to pick me up and put me down when he wanted!!
I told him today I wanted a divorce he was actually very upset but I think what I really wanted was to shock him into realising he was about to lose me for good and tell me he had made a mistake by leaving! I didn't get the reaction I wanted and he walked out saying I'm sorry! Of course I immediately sent him a text message saying I regretted what I had asked then wished I hadn't sent that!
I keep thinking maybe it's me who has the issue with his drinking because of our history his drinking isn't as bad as it use to be he didn't drink every night as he used to but then I remember the drinking until he passed out and the times when he continued drinking the next day and how anxious I became when he was drinking and that he never considered my feelings but I think if he was to come round and tell me he had made a hugh mistake by leaving me I would take him back even though I would know that the promises he would make would be empty! I sound pathetic. I feel pathetic!!
Today is difficult I miss the man I love who can be the most considerate kind and loving man. I. Am struggling with the loneliness and miss my husband!! I don't know what has been real or manipulation in our marriage. Did he really love me? Did he really want to spend his life with me or was it all lies?
Today is a day where I want to curl up in a ball I don't know how I am going to get through this and the pain, anger and emptiness becomes worse it doesn't feel it will ever get better!