I think of him only in friend terms. My brother said that I'm too loyal sometimes though and that's when I get hurt and taken advantage of. The thought of someone suffering makes me feel awful, regardless of who or why that is. When I did stop trying to do damage limitation, I ended up with him coming to my home, to my mum's home and swaying abusively on a cocaine and alcohol fuelled binge.
I am guilty of highlighting what he's done after a binge when it has really affected me. I never get a chance to recover or heal from his mania and paranoia. The "suicide attempts" are the ones that shake me and the last performance was the worst. I cannot compute how someone could do that to someone else and then think it's funny that I fell for it. Of course when he sobered up, he had only a very vague recollection of his actions and couldn't understand why I couldn't bring myself to talk to him.
If I do step away for good and he makes the 90 days, I'll feel guilty that I've stopped when he's doing so well, and I'll feel so happy that he's made the first steps. I'll be blamed for it all irrespective as it's already begun where he's lied and twisted things about so much. That's where the anger kicks in. Wow! What a total mishmash of emotions!