a little lost

Old 04-03-2014, 02:45 PM
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a little lost

I've been through a lot with my alcoholic friend. From abusive phone calls to picture message of him with ketchup sprayed up his arm pretending his slashed his wrists to threats of violence and everything in between. He's done a good job on destroying me. For the past week he's been ignoring me and I've just found out he's been told to stop all contact with people that upset him or might cause a relapse. That is fair enough but I've been through this situation with him before. My main problem is that he didn't tell me about the "no contact" thing he had planned, so when I did finally get hold of him, he told me that he " would call me in 90 days and if I attempt to contact him in any way, he'll come to my place of work [and do me in]" . I have been treated like total cr*p by him for a whole year and he's blaming his 7 year addiction on me and telling people I'm to blame! I just don't know how I should be feeling. On the one hand, I will keep away for 90 days if it means he'll finally get better, and on the other hand, he has been so physically and mentally abusive that I don't want anything more to do with him. I am hurt that he just cut me off without a word and then threatens me when I ask why. I am hurt that I am being blamed for how he is. He had 23 relapses in one year and he's pinning most of them on me despite the fact I was usually at work etc...

All I'm wondering is, after having my trust and friendship systematically destroyed time after time, being threatened with knives, being used and abused in the vilest ways, should I be trying to muster up support for him, or should I just use this time to get away from him for good? I really am so lost about how to act.
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Old 04-03-2014, 03:12 PM
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Why do you think this person is your friend? Were there ever good times?
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Old 04-03-2014, 03:18 PM
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I agree, this doesn't sound like a friend. Also, 23 relapses, I don't think you could really call them relapses because that means he is drinking at least every two weeks, there is not enough time for recovery between.

I am so sorry you are in this situation. Please know that we are here for you whether you just want to vent or want advice or whatever.

I really think that using this time to get away from him permanently is a very very goodidea.
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Old 04-03-2014, 03:32 PM
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tjol, it's hard to see what the positive things are that you might be getting from your relationship w/this "friend." Have you done any reading on codependence? Many here recommend "Codependent No More."

Clearly it is NOT your fault that he has continued to drink. The saying from Alanon is that you didn't Cause it, you can't Cure it, and you can't Control it--the 3 C's.

Have you looked into Alanon for yourself? What you are describing sounds very, very unhealthy for you and rather than worry about him and what he wants or says or does or does not do, my concern is for YOU.
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Old 04-03-2014, 03:46 PM
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Thanks for responding guys. Its been 14 almost 15 months since I've known him again ( we used to hang out when we were 15 and 16). You're right about the relapses. True relapses have been about 10-12. He would call the others slips. My other friends and my family think I'm insane for sticking by him. I know it's mad after the danger I've been in sometimes. He's a binger through and through. His cocaine use is bad, but he'll only drink and drug together never just one at a time. One problem he has with me is that I don't lie to him or just tell him what he wants to hear to keep him calm or stop him feeling the reality of his behaviour. I've had people tell me that if he's been abusive, threatening or cruel I shouldn't tell him how I feel because he already feels bad enough. So when he tells me he's cut his wrists open and he's losing consciousness where he's lost so much blood and I'm a "c*nt", only for me to panic like mad, drop everything and find him only to discover he was making it all up, I'm supposed to just forgive and forget? I know my path is clear. I'm just scared to walk it. I've been a friend to him, but I don't really know what he has been to me...
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Old 04-03-2014, 03:54 PM
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Have you read this particular thread yet? http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

This one may be helpful too: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ain-stops.html

Wishing you strength and clarity going forward.
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Old 04-03-2014, 04:14 PM
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Co dependent NO more would be a good read for you...Melody Beattie...

this is mental abuse...but by a friend...
please, get some self worth and a back bone, and start setting boundaries
for yourself....boundaries are healthy..
have you been to Al anon....
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Old 04-04-2014, 02:57 AM
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Sounds like he's using you as an emotional mule. You do know what a mule is also known as right?

I think you should take the 90 days and build some self respect for yourself and if and when he comes back, tell him to go pound sand and if you're feeling generous, tell him why. You are not a bad person for weeding the friendship garden. You should have done it a LOOOOOOOONG time ago.
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Old 04-04-2014, 03:10 AM
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BoxinRitz I think you've hit the nail on the head. I've slept on in and have decided to take the 90 days to get myself recovered from him. I am lucky that I have good and protective friends and family around me too. At the moment I am disturbing angry and resentful which are emotions I'm not really used to, but my friends are letting me vent rather than bottle it up. I know that once my damaged pride and ego calm down and the anger subsides, I'll be able to appraise the situation better. I'm letting it hurt me this time rather than pushing it away which is truly hideous at the moment but I know I'll he much more resolute and less guilt ridden within a few weeks. The past 14 months have been the hardest and most destructive I have known, and I only have myself to blame for letting him control me, and trying to control him. If you knew someone's next binge would lead to you getting very badly hurt, wouldn't you try to control it too? Sorry I'm letting off again. It's still so raw and painful at the moment.
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Old 04-04-2014, 05:44 AM
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I am glad that you are AWARE of this now...now, you seem to have ACCEPT it..now ACTION....the 3A's in alanon....
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Old 04-04-2014, 06:24 AM
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Are you in love with this guy? Do you have larger feelings for him then just a friend?
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Old 04-04-2014, 06:28 AM
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Originally Posted by tjol81 View Post
If you knew someone's next binge would lead to you getting very badly hurt, wouldn't you try to control it too?
I think that's what is being expressed, tjol--all of us here have tried, unsuccesfully, to control the drinking. We do get it. We do understand exactly where you're coming from.

There is a saying that I like a great deal that I kind of forgot about for a while until someone posted it again recently: Let go or be dragged. Trying to control anything about your friend has gotten you dragged, and it hasn't been real good for you. Letting go has to be better, right?
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Old 04-04-2014, 06:38 AM
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If you knew someone's next binge would lead to you getting very badly hurt, wouldn't you try to control it too?
NO I would get the heck off the tracks before that train hit me...not stand there with my arms up trying to stop it.

Healthy boundaries!!
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Old 04-04-2014, 07:49 AM
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I think of him only in friend terms. My brother said that I'm too loyal sometimes though and that's when I get hurt and taken advantage of. The thought of someone suffering makes me feel awful, regardless of who or why that is. When I did stop trying to do damage limitation, I ended up with him coming to my home, to my mum's home and swaying abusively on a cocaine and alcohol fuelled binge.

I am guilty of highlighting what he's done after a binge when it has really affected me. I never get a chance to recover or heal from his mania and paranoia. The "suicide attempts" are the ones that shake me and the last performance was the worst. I cannot compute how someone could do that to someone else and then think it's funny that I fell for it. Of course when he sobered up, he had only a very vague recollection of his actions and couldn't understand why I couldn't bring myself to talk to him.

If I do step away for good and he makes the 90 days, I'll feel guilty that I've stopped when he's doing so well, and I'll feel so happy that he's made the first steps. I'll be blamed for it all irrespective as it's already begun where he's lied and twisted things about so much. That's where the anger kicks in. Wow! What a total mishmash of emotions!
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Old 04-04-2014, 10:38 AM
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It doesn’t have to be all or nothing – it really does come down to healthy boundaries and setting them for yourself. And not just with him but everyone in your life moving forward.

When I did stop trying to do damage limitation, I ended up with him coming to my home, to my mum's home and swaying abusively on a cocaine and alcohol fuelled binge.
And you didn’t call the police why?

I am guilty of highlighting what he's done after a binge when it has really affected me. I never get a chance to recover or heal from his mania and paranoia. The "suicide attempts" are the ones that shake me and the last performance was the worst. I cannot compute how someone could do that to someone else and then think it's funny that I fell for it. Of course when he sobered up, he had only a very vague recollection of his actions and couldn't understand why I couldn't bring myself to talk to him.
That's not loyalty that's being a hostage to him.

[QUOTEIf I do step away for good and he makes the 90 days, I'll feel guilty that I've stopped when he's doing so well. ][/QUOTE]

Why does it have to be all or nothing? Why can’t you just step away because it’s an un-healthy situation for you and your family? Take a well needed time out away from his chaos and allow him the space to find his own way to recovery or whatever path he chooses to take.

I'll be blamed for it all irrespective as it's already begun where he's lied and twisted things about so much.
Again, friends don’t do this to friends. And to boot this is only someone you’ve only known for 14 months and prior to that you used to hang out with him years ago. Ever ask yourself why YOU? Where are all his other friends? What happened to them?
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Old 04-04-2014, 11:17 AM
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Move on you dont need friends like this. Sometimes we need to put ourselves first. Protect yourself and run
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Old 04-04-2014, 11:24 AM
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You know what, this is a terrible hostage situation. You are being abused. Do you see it for what it is, emoational abuse??

Yesterday my XAH asked me if we have enough life insurance in case something happens to him to take care of the kids. It set me off b/c I know he has been depressed and I sent his sister a concerned text, etc. You know what, I reacted just like he wants me to. Today he is doing just fine and back to his usual attitude. We are trying to agree on our divorce and have kids together so I have to speak to him, although I try very hard to keep it about the kids.

My point here is that he put you to the test over and over and you passed with flying colors each time. He is testing you to see just how far he can push and what he can get by with. You deserve so much better.

And shhh...don't tell him this, but if he was actively in recovery he would realize you cannot blame it on anyone other than yourself. When and if he is ever in recovery his mind would make that shift. Until it does, he is just full of it.

Run...fast and far away from this "friend" of yours. What's the saying....with friends like that who needs enemies?

I am so sorry for what brings you here but so glad you found us. Keep posting, you are not alone!
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Old 04-04-2014, 11:25 AM
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there are loads of people in the world more deserving of your friendship. it sounds like you've gotten used to the drama. I try to stay away from direct advice but... ^^^^^
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Old 04-05-2014, 12:26 PM
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Hey. Thank you for all your responses. I've started to come to terms with everything that's happened. My friends and family are all aware and they're all really, really angry, not only with him and the way he has and continues to treat me, but also because, in their eyes, I don't seem to condemn his behaviour. No one really knows the half of the abuse I've suffered. They can only see the effects.

One thing that keeps going through my mind is that, at the moment he's doing really well and I really hope that this time he gets himself properly clean. If, by cutting me out, he does manage stay sober, how am I supposed to accept that everyone will see me as the one that kept him drinking like he's told them. I know it's a selfish viewpoint to take, but after everything he's done to me physically, mentally, financially and psychologically the final kick in the teeth will be scapegoated and despised for him being how he was. He twists everything so much and lays on the charm and pity act so well, people believe him.

My main true wish is that he gets clean so that monster will never return. Will there ever come a time when he's sober that he'll be able to face up to what he's done to me and stop attacking me and being heartlessly hostile? Him staying sober will let me finally switch my panic mode off, so I want it as much to see him happy as I do to be able to shake him off and walk away without petty retribution. Is that a codey thing or a normal reaction? Never realised how deeply confused I've allowed myself to get!!
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Old 04-10-2014, 04:40 AM
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Hey all. So its been a week since my "friend" told me to eff off as I was the cause of his drinking, and now the initial hurt has subsided I'm feeling a lot better. Confused but better. I finally bought and have read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, and it's been a revelation. The main thing I've realised is how angry I am! I never even saw it before. very hurt and very angry in fact! How could I not be really. I've finally found an Al Anon group and am going along tomorrow night to see how it is and I've been honest and upfront with my friends about what's been going on.

My only real concern is that my "friend" said he'd contact me after his 90 days. I don't know what to do. Do I accept him back and try to carry on, or do I cut off all ties and try to carry on? I'm worried that there have been too many extreme and damaging moments in the past and don't know if I want to risk it again. If he gets himself clean, I'm now thinking that that'll be enough for me without having him around.

All that aside though, he's unwittingly given me 90 days to get my own head straight and that's exactly what I plan on doing despite the lingering threat of him contacting me!
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