I'm having a rough day today, so I am going to ramble a bit...
During my last binge, I didn't put a deposit on a trip my son has been looking forward to all year....I will have to sit him down tonight and explain he's not going with his classmates..one thing I have always really good at is judging other alcoholic parents.....at least I CARE about my child, he always comes first...yeah not so much the case these days....and he is going to be heart broken....mom can't fix it this time , in fact...it's her fault....
One of the things I'm going to struggle with the most I know, is finally being honest, not only with myself, but with other people.....when I drink, I am a master liar and manipulator.....
Two women came over this am and filled my fridge with healthy food and basically force fed me and then drove me to do errands as my anxiety is so high right now....so kind, and they have no idea I have been tearing them apart to people for the past couple of months, complaining about them, how they don't respect my personal space, they have no boundaries blah blah blah...to the point that other people have gotten a negative view on them, and believe everything I say....they have been trying to keep me functioning for the sake of my son basically, but I was furious that they were getting in the way of my drinking...so I have managed to turn many people against them...it's sick really how I treat people....
I also received a lovely letter in the mail from a friend who's away right now....four pages that he took the time to sit down and write and commend me on being sober.." what are the positive reasons? none of us know, as this is the first time you've made an effort. what I DO know, and others know, is that your heart and mind have always been attractive. Which is the answer to your question as to why myself and others continue to reach out. Free from your demons, there is so much room for all the right kinds of things and people in your life. I am rooting for you, and know there are so many possibilities in your sober future. Continue to strive, and the striving will get easier. You have help, because you are making an effort. As long as you continue to work honestly on your healing, then you will heal."............this person has no idea that the last time we had a coffee....I bold faced lied to his face when he offered to stay and keep me company to keep my mind off of drinking...said I had an appt and promptly went to a bar and drank my face off.
Sober me despises drunk me, and is ashamed at how easily I lie and take advantage of people...which in turn makes it hard not to drink. I have always dealt with shame and regret by drinking though, and am trying to break the cycle. I am letting myself cry and be aware that I am in the wrong...and to not escape from this by drinking, I won't get a buzz on to tell my son about the trip...nor will I call up my drinking friends to " get out of the house" " because I'm so stressed out...". I can't keep running away from all of this...but I'm really, really hating myself right now.