What they say is true, it REALLY does get worse.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: NB canada
Posts: 57
What they say is true, it REALLY does get worse.
I have posted here in the past, not much...used to be very active in the chat room though...
I posted a couple of months ago, maybe more about needing support because had bought a case of beer....well, since then, my drinking has been out of control.
I`ve been too emabarassed to come back because I feel as though I am one of those people whom get offered advice and then don't take it...and I am one of those people, I am aware of that now. I always had excuses as to why and how I couldn't do this or that.
I guess though, what I've learned, is that alcoholism IS progressive, and it does get worse...this is no fib or joke.
I've been drinking since I was 13....alcoholically since age 16...but managed to put it off to others as while I had the knowledge it was bad, I seemed at first a " wild " teenager...then had my son at a young age, and I partied when he was with others...and was still seen as someone who drank too much on occasion, but was up for a good time..people didn't know how hellish it was for me though...and I Was able to function well enough working full time and being a single parent and going to school...that people didn't have much cause for concern....just a reputation...fast forward to me working as a nurse and still drinking...going to work intoxicated wasn't enough to give me pause, and was brushed off there as stress....and it just goes on. I finally ended up in a place where I was basically binging to black out state each and everytime my son was gone and started to seek places for him to go, and missing work...which in turn made me aware I had a serious problem...but no homework was done.
Fast forward to last spring...I was out and fell on my face and managed to get a concussion and a nice gash down my face which has left a lovely scar....and I went through hell with withdrawal....which is when people around started to express serious concern...my son was speaking up as well.
And again...no homework was done...in my infinite wisdom, and because I'm so intelligent in manners concerning booze ( which has become apparent I'm certain)...I jumped in feet first into a relationship with someone who presented they were a recovered alcoholic...they were lying about recovery, and even though every being of my body knew it would lead to disaster...I still wasn't well mentally, and am fully aware now, I replaced my drinking with his drinking...I was obsessed, and my moods showed it...it was completely unhealthy, on both ends....an epic disaster to the nth degree..one in which ultimately hit his rock bottom, and had legal repercussions...and was placed on mandatory alcohol testing at work, through custody orders and so on...he HAD to get sober..( or at least have periods of it)...which in turn, meant he no longer needed a sicko like me supporting him through the bad times, he dumped for someone a little saner and more put together ( can't say I blame him , really)...
Anyhow, I hadn't filled the void of course, so returned to drinking, as that was my only coping mechanism.....during this time, christmas, my dogs passing, and other things that caused me stress....I drank through it all....I'm a binge to black out drinker..so the two three days non stop drinking then a week of trying to put it back together...
I was laid off from one job, and started a new one...and drank so much after my first shift that I couldn't go the next day...I drank for days that time, it was completely out of control, and I had been prescribed ativan somewhere's along the line for anxiety..so throw that in the mix....after one bad stretch, I started having hallucinations...but I was too scared to tell people I was drinking again...so rather than seek help, I just kept going.
I've lost close to 30 lbs in the past couple of months, I literally feel as though I am losing my mind...and I did I guess...constant black outs and withdrawals can really bring on the crazy...I am unemployed, came dangerously close to losing my son, and have lost my family. I still, by some grace of whatever, have supportive friends...but even they of course, are getting exhausted....and they don't know the extent.
So I guess besides needing support (I'm 5 days in this time)...I am fully, I think, finally ready to admit defeat and understand I will never get control of this, and need to do a LOT of work, outside of just " not drinking"...somewhere's over the past couple of years I've gone from what most people would describe as " high functioning Alcoholic" to an outright " drunk" ....showing up at seedy bars at 8 am to drink...spending all my money on alcohol....treating people horribly ,and the lies....looking unkempt, and ending up in emergency due to withdrawals....not functioning at all.
So I guess, if I'm allowed to come back with my tail between my legs and ask for support, I would love some...and if anyone reading this doubts that it DOES get worse every time you go back...well, listen to me , it DOES. and " not drinking" doesn't really cut it either...or at least for me, I think I'm the classic " dry drunk" during my periods of sobriety.
I am suffering through withdrawals once again, and this time unmedicated...which to be honest, probably is for the best, as the last time like I said, I was prescribed ativan and kept drinking anyhow...looking back on last week, I probably should have gone to ER to detox, but it is what it is, and I kind of tapered, then stopped cold turkey last thursday...right now I am stuck in the depressed, EXTREME anxiety and ruminating on each and every mistake I've made stage...which I know will ultimately put me back where I was, but it's how I've lived for the past 21 years...and can't seem to get unstuck...all I know, is I'm afraid at this point to drink again, as I literally know, and get it this time, it could kill me....either by actions done while blacked out, or just in the fact that I go so off, I reach a point where I don't care what I put in my body, as long as it keeps me from feeling anything. I despise myself, but for something finally clicked for me that I want to live...which is also a new feeling for me, because to be honest, for a long time I didn't really care...so I think if there was ever a point where I feel as though I can be receptive this it.
I posted a couple of months ago, maybe more about needing support because had bought a case of beer....well, since then, my drinking has been out of control.
I`ve been too emabarassed to come back because I feel as though I am one of those people whom get offered advice and then don't take it...and I am one of those people, I am aware of that now. I always had excuses as to why and how I couldn't do this or that.
I guess though, what I've learned, is that alcoholism IS progressive, and it does get worse...this is no fib or joke.
I've been drinking since I was 13....alcoholically since age 16...but managed to put it off to others as while I had the knowledge it was bad, I seemed at first a " wild " teenager...then had my son at a young age, and I partied when he was with others...and was still seen as someone who drank too much on occasion, but was up for a good time..people didn't know how hellish it was for me though...and I Was able to function well enough working full time and being a single parent and going to school...that people didn't have much cause for concern....just a reputation...fast forward to me working as a nurse and still drinking...going to work intoxicated wasn't enough to give me pause, and was brushed off there as stress....and it just goes on. I finally ended up in a place where I was basically binging to black out state each and everytime my son was gone and started to seek places for him to go, and missing work...which in turn made me aware I had a serious problem...but no homework was done.
Fast forward to last spring...I was out and fell on my face and managed to get a concussion and a nice gash down my face which has left a lovely scar....and I went through hell with withdrawal....which is when people around started to express serious concern...my son was speaking up as well.
And again...no homework was done...in my infinite wisdom, and because I'm so intelligent in manners concerning booze ( which has become apparent I'm certain)...I jumped in feet first into a relationship with someone who presented they were a recovered alcoholic...they were lying about recovery, and even though every being of my body knew it would lead to disaster...I still wasn't well mentally, and am fully aware now, I replaced my drinking with his drinking...I was obsessed, and my moods showed it...it was completely unhealthy, on both ends....an epic disaster to the nth degree..one in which ultimately hit his rock bottom, and had legal repercussions...and was placed on mandatory alcohol testing at work, through custody orders and so on...he HAD to get sober..( or at least have periods of it)...which in turn, meant he no longer needed a sicko like me supporting him through the bad times, he dumped for someone a little saner and more put together ( can't say I blame him , really)...
Anyhow, I hadn't filled the void of course, so returned to drinking, as that was my only coping mechanism.....during this time, christmas, my dogs passing, and other things that caused me stress....I drank through it all....I'm a binge to black out drinker..so the two three days non stop drinking then a week of trying to put it back together...
I was laid off from one job, and started a new one...and drank so much after my first shift that I couldn't go the next day...I drank for days that time, it was completely out of control, and I had been prescribed ativan somewhere's along the line for anxiety..so throw that in the mix....after one bad stretch, I started having hallucinations...but I was too scared to tell people I was drinking again...so rather than seek help, I just kept going.
I've lost close to 30 lbs in the past couple of months, I literally feel as though I am losing my mind...and I did I guess...constant black outs and withdrawals can really bring on the crazy...I am unemployed, came dangerously close to losing my son, and have lost my family. I still, by some grace of whatever, have supportive friends...but even they of course, are getting exhausted....and they don't know the extent.
So I guess besides needing support (I'm 5 days in this time)...I am fully, I think, finally ready to admit defeat and understand I will never get control of this, and need to do a LOT of work, outside of just " not drinking"...somewhere's over the past couple of years I've gone from what most people would describe as " high functioning Alcoholic" to an outright " drunk" ....showing up at seedy bars at 8 am to drink...spending all my money on alcohol....treating people horribly ,and the lies....looking unkempt, and ending up in emergency due to withdrawals....not functioning at all.
So I guess, if I'm allowed to come back with my tail between my legs and ask for support, I would love some...and if anyone reading this doubts that it DOES get worse every time you go back...well, listen to me , it DOES. and " not drinking" doesn't really cut it either...or at least for me, I think I'm the classic " dry drunk" during my periods of sobriety.
I am suffering through withdrawals once again, and this time unmedicated...which to be honest, probably is for the best, as the last time like I said, I was prescribed ativan and kept drinking anyhow...looking back on last week, I probably should have gone to ER to detox, but it is what it is, and I kind of tapered, then stopped cold turkey last thursday...right now I am stuck in the depressed, EXTREME anxiety and ruminating on each and every mistake I've made stage...which I know will ultimately put me back where I was, but it's how I've lived for the past 21 years...and can't seem to get unstuck...all I know, is I'm afraid at this point to drink again, as I literally know, and get it this time, it could kill me....either by actions done while blacked out, or just in the fact that I go so off, I reach a point where I don't care what I put in my body, as long as it keeps me from feeling anything. I despise myself, but for something finally clicked for me that I want to live...which is also a new feeling for me, because to be honest, for a long time I didn't really care...so I think if there was ever a point where I feel as though I can be receptive this it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Engerland
Posts: 897
Problem with this condition is that just when you think you have reached bottom, it drops out from under you yet again.It has often been explained to me as progressive and IME this proved to be the case. However when we stop, and seek recovery with the support of people, and whatever recovery option works for us we can arrest this progression and then begin to repair ad grow.
There appears to be no other way.
And in 37 years drinking i have tried every way i could find to manage it and still drink.
For this alcoholic that was a hopeless quest.
Get out now is good.
G
There appears to be no other way.
And in 37 years drinking i have tried every way i could find to manage it and still drink.
For this alcoholic that was a hopeless quest.
Get out now is good.
G
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Johannesburg
Posts: 203
welcome back! My progression was a lot like yours sounds. I eventually got to the point where I knew I had to make a decision - change or die. I truly didn't want to live if that was the way it was going to feel.
So, knowing that, I was prepared to try anything and change anything in order to stay sober. I hope you do the same.
All the best
So, knowing that, I was prepared to try anything and change anything in order to stay sober. I hope you do the same.
All the best
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,564
Welcome back Northend - it's great to have you return with a new acceptance & positive attitude.
I had to learn that lesson too. I crashed and burned so badly the last time I almost lost my life. I could no longer recuperate from my binges. In the end, I was drinking 24/7 - completely reckless and in danger. I clung to the idea that I could use willpower to control myself, but it never happened once. It felt so good to finally surrender and be free. Congratulations on your 5 days! You sound ready to do this.
I had to learn that lesson too. I crashed and burned so badly the last time I almost lost my life. I could no longer recuperate from my binges. In the end, I was drinking 24/7 - completely reckless and in danger. I clung to the idea that I could use willpower to control myself, but it never happened once. It felt so good to finally surrender and be free. Congratulations on your 5 days! You sound ready to do this.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 25
Thanks for helping bring it home that it does get worse, maybe not each and every time I blacked out but definitely over time worse. The latest one I'm getting over had left me feeling worse than any before, and that's quite impressive considering the one that had me waking up at home with a cut up face, 2 broken teeth and no idea how.
I'm even more determined never to feel like this again
I'm even more determined never to feel like this again
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
"I`ve been too emabarassed to come back because I feel as though I am one of those people whom get offered advice and then don't take it..."
I was also one of those people a couple times, a while back. Don't worry about before, try to do it differently here and now!
Welcome back
I was also one of those people a couple times, a while back. Don't worry about before, try to do it differently here and now!
Welcome back
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 385
Hi North,
You've put time into describing your "descent" so it sounds like you are ready to put time into your recovery, congrats and well done! I hope that you can move on from your past and start thinking positively about your future as you move into a life of sobriety
One thing people discuss here, which I'm sure you'll know of, is building a new sober life. I think you hint at it by describing as not wanting to be a "dry drunk". One of the biggest challenges for me is building that new life. I think if you spend some time creating a new life with new routines and habits you will get some real benefit. I'm still working on it but I think there is some real value in it.
Best wishes in your journey, keep us up to date I would love to hear how you go.
Cheers
You've put time into describing your "descent" so it sounds like you are ready to put time into your recovery, congrats and well done! I hope that you can move on from your past and start thinking positively about your future as you move into a life of sobriety
One thing people discuss here, which I'm sure you'll know of, is building a new sober life. I think you hint at it by describing as not wanting to be a "dry drunk". One of the biggest challenges for me is building that new life. I think if you spend some time creating a new life with new routines and habits you will get some real benefit. I'm still working on it but I think there is some real value in it.
Best wishes in your journey, keep us up to date I would love to hear how you go.
Cheers
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
You have done what alcoholics do. When I was completely beat I tried AA and it worked because I Discovered I did not have to get better on my own. I found the way out I'd been searching for, for so long.
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