You feel overwhelmed because it is overwhelming. We always had an out in the past when things got too heavy. We could just numb out.
That was the biggest awakening I had to face when I go sober. Feelings floored me. I had no way to cope with them. Alcohol and drugs were my solution. They worked. That's why I became an alcoholic and an addict. Booze and benzos and pot completed me. You take them away and what is left isn't very pretty.
This is where the real fight begins, DGO. When the crap hits the fan like it is for you. You are dealing with the the heaviest thing life deals us -- the loss of a relationship -- which outside of the death of a loved one is as bad as it can get.
Maybe you can tap into some dark emotions and use them for some good. How about anger? Doesn't it **** you off that he didn't join you on this self-discovery journey called sobriety? I know you said there were other areas of the relationship that have gone sour, but isn't the fact that he sat there smoking up while you posted here every day about your struggles? I did the same thing to my ex-wife, smoking and drinking with friends during her earliest days of sobriety, thinking I was a good sport because I took care of the kids alone in the mornings so she could hit an AA meeting. Pretty selfish and naive.
Another black emotion that you need to tap into is fear. There is nothing scarier than ending a relationship and heading into that great unknown of being alone. I know there is a crush out there you have been musing over, but besides that embrace solitude, realize there is some freedom in it that you haven't enjoyed for some time, when you can go pound drums or watch a sappy movie or hit the asphalt and not have to worry about what the significant other is doing.
But the real way to tap into fear is to set you butt down and face the big suck that is about to happen, that time when the last of his stuff is moved out and the door locks and it is just you. Well, say hello to DGO, that woman nearing a year of no booze and nine months of no pot. That's when the real pity party will begin and that is when I would face the greatest temptation to get stoned, drunk or both. When that moment comes you need to realize a big truth and that is that you have embarked on the hardest path anyone like us ever takes: Dealing with the life on life's terms without an escape.
It's going to take a lot of pain and tears but at the end of the day what will emerge is a strong woman who in no uncertain terms knows what she wants: Sobriety.
Then you will have to offer that crush of yours or someone else what we have seen here in your posts: A sober woman with a sober view of life and a sober perspective on relationships that has a tremendous amount of good to offer.
Give in to the anger and fear and remorse that is washing over you. Embrace it. It's what makes you courageous and will result in serenity.
It. Will. Get. Better.