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Old 03-30-2014, 12:37 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Need some support- Breaking up with my boyfriend


Well, I feel like I'm a wreck.

Had a serious talk with bf last night. I think he'll be moving out soon. I'm second guessing myself a lot now. I know with him, he probably will be pretty quick about moving now that he's decided and I don't know how to face that.

Then I start thinking about the things I'll miss and wonder if I didn't try hard enough, if I should have done something different.

We haven't made any definite decisions other than him moving out. I know he's still open to staying together or trying to work out something. It's hard for me to just say, "I don't want you in my life". It wouldn't even be true. We've been together a long time and he's a really good friend in many ways- it's hard to imagine my life with him.

On the flip side, we've both been miserable, and I can't see continuing things as they've been. As much as I want to hold on, I'm not sure there is any way to continue contact that would really make us both happy.

I'm not sure where things are going. I'm scared. I hurt a lot. It all feels surreal. I feel like I'm at super high risk for some sort of slip or relapse. I'd love to just get drunk or high or both right now. One part of me knows it wouldn't help, but it's definitely been in my thoughts and I know that's not a good thing. It's really hard to think about focusing on my recovery while I'm an emotional wreck.

We talked last night and I couldn't get to sleep afterward. I was up until almost 5 this morning. It's really hard to just be with my thoughts and feelings.

I know I need to go back to basics when it comes to recovery. So, first off is a commitment not to drink or do drugs for today.

I need to stay close to SR and force myself to keep eating regularly- I found myself skipping meals yesterday and I know that is not a good place. Low blood sugar just makes it so much harder to think straight and be stable emotionally.

Then it's time to fall back on healthy outlets- drums, walks/jogging or working out, writing on here, doing chores or yard work to stay busy, reaching out and finding people to talk to, etc.

This is really hard. I have to remember where making serious relationship decisions while drunk/high got me in the past. It never made things better. I made bad decisions and I paid the price later. Those days I spent drinking rum and smoking cigarettes all day long in the garage after my last break-up are not days I want to repeat. Days when sometimes I didn't even have a shower.

Wherever my life is going, as long as I'm clean and sober, there is no way I can make as much of a mess out of it as I have in the past. It's hard dealing with the uncertainty of it all. I can't see into the future and see how things would be if I made this decision or that decision.
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Old 03-30-2014, 12:59 PM   #2 (permalink)
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I had a break up at about 30 days into sobriety, that is when I realized how sick and unhealthy the relationship really was!

Hugs and love to you
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Old 03-30-2014, 01:31 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by DG0409 View Post
Well, I feel like I'm a wreck. Had a serious talk with bf last night. I think he'll be moving out soon. I'm second guessing myself a lot now. I know with him, he probably will be pretty quick about moving now that he's decided and I don't know how to face that. Then I start thinking about the things I'll miss and wonder if I didn't try hard enough, if I should have done something different. We haven't made any definite decisions other than him moving out. I know he's still open to staying together or trying to work out something. It's hard for me to just say, "I don't want you in my life". It wouldn't even be true. We've been together a long time and he's a really good friend in many ways- it's hard to imagine my life with him. On the flip side, we've both been miserable, and I can't see continuing things as they've been. As much as I want to hold on, I'm not sure there is any way to continue contact that would really make us both happy. I'm not sure where things are going. I'm scared. I hurt a lot. It all feels surreal. I feel like I'm at super high risk for some sort of slip or relapse. I'd love to just get drunk or high or both right now. One part of me knows it wouldn't help, but it's definitely been in my thoughts and I know that's not a good thing. It's really hard to think about focusing on my recovery while I'm an emotional wreck. We talked last night and I couldn't get to sleep afterward. I was up until almost 5 this morning. It's really hard to just be with my thoughts and feelings. I know I need to go back to basics when it comes to recovery. So, first off is a commitment not to drink or do drugs for today. I need to stay close to SR and force myself to keep eating regularly- I found myself skipping meals yesterday and I know that is not a good place. Low blood sugar just makes it so much harder to think straight and be stable emotionally. Then it's time to fall back on healthy outlets- drums, walks/jogging or working out, writing on here, doing chores or yard work to stay busy, reaching out and finding people to talk to, etc. This is really hard. I have to remember where making serious relationship decisions while drunk/high got me in the past. It never made things better. I made bad decisions and I paid the price later. Those days I spent drinking rum and smoking cigarettes all day long in the garage after my last break-up are not days I want to repeat. Days when sometimes I didn't even have a shower. Wherever my life is going, as long as I'm clean and sober, there is no way I can make as much of a mess out of it as I have in the past. It's hard dealing with the uncertainty of it all. I can't see into the future and see how things would be if I made this decision or that decision.
Wherever my life is going, as long as I'm clean and sober, there is no way I can make as much of a mess out of it as I have in the past. It's hard dealing with the uncertainty of it all. I can't see into the future and see how things would be if I made this decision or that decision.

That's the key. As long as you're clean and sober you will make the right decision.
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Old 03-30-2014, 01:39 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Just stay in the now. You were in a very tough situation: Relationship crumbling while he continued to smoke and drink.

And, no surprise, it makes the temptation to numb the emotions you are experiencing pronounced.

I think here is where the importance of sober support becomes imperative for many of us. I hope you have some sober friends around. When I was just shy of a year sober and letting someone slip through my grasp (I was very wary of the saying that addicts and folks in early recovery are tempted to take hostages, not get into healthy relationships) it was the support of others in recovery that kept me on the right path.

Take the high road (pun clearly unintended) in all of this. Remember the personal growth you have achieved and which is so evident in your posts here. Let go with love. Be honest with how important recovery is to you and that his continuous smoking and return to drinking is a clear sign of denial of his own problem and a slap of disrespect of yours.

I was in your boyfriends shoes when my wife got sober 15 years ago. I supported her, of course, because obviously she had quite the drinking problem. Pot was my drug of choice, and the craft beer was just to smooth out the edges. Pot was harmless, of course, and I saw no problem in smoking a joint in the morning before work, driving around the city on assignment and then smoking out to ease the stress at night.

Besides, it was just pot, right? Try to project your boyfriend's smoking out for another decade and you just might find someone like me, a hopeless addict, wrapped up in denial and selfishness and a near blindness to what I was doing that was in hindsight pathological. And smoothing out the edges with beer and wine progressed to 12 packs and half gallons.

You got this. I have no business saying the following, but many of us in hindsight find leaving one relationship and immediately chasing a new crush can have some serious drawbacks. If it's possible, once the boyfriend moves out, it might be great advice to have some relationship down time, let the cement of your sobriety cure a bit, dive deeper into the self exploration many of us find necessary at the one-year sober point so you can continue on getting comfortable with the sober you.

And do let go with love. Don't be tempted to bite back if he snaps and snarls a bit. And perhaps for his own sake down the road, point out that his rejection of sobriety could bode serious consequences down the road for him. Maybe, just maybe, he might be able to see through the haze of pot that he in essence placed his "not a big deal" pot habit before you.
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Old 03-30-2014, 01:59 PM   #5 (permalink)
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DG -

((((hugs)))))

Getting drunk or high aren't long term solutions to your pain and fog. My advice sounds trite, but after the initial discomfort, you'll come out stronger and more aware of what you need in a relationship. The important thing is you are so smart and self aware. You waited til you felt strong in your sobriety to make this change. You have great plans on how to stay sober and the strength to use them. I'll check back in a little bit. If you need to reach out, feel free to pm me.
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Old 03-30-2014, 02:08 PM   #6 (permalink)
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DG, I'm really sorry to hear you're in such pain, but I KNOW you can make it through without using ! You've got the power in you and as MB suggested, try to ground yourself into this VERY Present Moment - whatever it is that you're doing , do it with 100% attention to it and this will slow down some of the painful mind-chatter. Allow some spaciousness to be within. This is TRULY deep spiritual muscle work you can build from this experience. And I also agree with MB to leave with Love. It's best for both. He is the same soul living a different experience and has as much right to his experience as you. Our surface lives may manifest differently, but our true selves are the same and with that focus, we can leave with Love and Respect for each other. This is a real growth opportunity that I KNOW you can rise to,DG !
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Old 03-30-2014, 02:16 PM   #7 (permalink)
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wow

You sound like you have your priorities straight. I understand you are feeling a lot right now but you really are doing the best thing for you. Stay strong and thank you so much for sharing your story and strength. You have helped me today.
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Old 03-30-2014, 02:45 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Thank you all. Your support means a lot. I don't know what I would do without this place.
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Old 03-30-2014, 02:54 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Sorry to hear you're going through a tough time, DG. We understand how it feels. It's never easy, especially if you are living with someone. But it sounds like you've thought this through for a while, and you are doing what you need to take care of yourself and get where you need to be in life. Your reasoning has been found in sobriety - this was not a drunken whim. Big life decisions are always full of holes and ripe for regret.

I once went through a similar experience. I read a quote, I don't remember who said it but it went something like this: "Change is hard, and it can feel dangerous. But sometimes it's more dangerous NOT to make a change". Follow your gut with this one. You have been wise in most decisions so far, and this is a natural and reasonable transition for you at this time. Do whatever feels right, and good luck with getting through this.
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Old 03-30-2014, 03:54 PM   #10 (permalink)
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The end of a relationship is always rough. I know you can get thru this without drinking or drugging. Stay strong.
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Old 03-30-2014, 04:18 PM   #11 (permalink)
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DG, so many of your friends here on SR have already said wise and good things in response to your thread. I only want to add a couple of personal reactions:

I admire you both for waiting to confront your bf, and for doing it. You thought it through for a long time. Of course you'll second guess yourself now. With relationships, there's never a "right" thing -- but it was the needed thing for you, because you've already moved on from him as a boyfriend, no matter how fond of him you remain.

It's natural to wonder if you didn't try hard enough and wonder how you'll get along without him -- but as a substance abuser, you have to work to stay in the now. Those regrets and projections can spiral and lead you to a drink or drug. You've set out on a path -- keep walking it one step at a time, concentrating on keeping your head and your feet facing the same direction.

My guess is there's a part of your head that's telling you that you should pick up over this. It's the perfect excuse/opportunity/memorial/finale. That's a LIE. The best way you can show yourself you're acting as well as you possibly can, is to act with sobriety.

We're all thinking of you with pride and warmth. (((DG)))
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Old 03-30-2014, 04:23 PM   #12 (permalink)
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DG, we'll always have your back and give you all the support you need!
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Old 03-30-2014, 04:25 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Hi DG. I'm so glad you wanted to share this with us. The others have said good & helpful things already - I just want you to know I share your sadness & hope you'll continue to talk about it here. You're never alone, no matter what you're going through.
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Old 03-30-2014, 05:24 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Hello Drummergirl,

I can completely relate to the insecurity you're feeling right now - seperation from a long-term partner is a very unsettling situation as it pulls the rug under your feet temporarily even if you're the one who decided to pull that rug... it triggers all sorts of complex emotions, fears (e.g. abandonment comes to mind even if you're the one doubting the relationship) and guilt at the same time; I personally find that to be one of the most challenging situations one can face.

Still it's been an ongoing issue for you for a very long time and I think you really haven't been taking that step light-heartedly but have come from a very reflected and in fact sober point of view. So I would say: Trust yourself, trust that by seeking that discussion with your boyfriend you've done the right thing as the situation wasn't sustainable or emotionally fulfilling anymore for both of you. This doesn't necessarily have to be the end of the relationship; I think you just voiced/ shared your feelings and doubts with the person they belong to; it will create a new dynamic. That is honest even if it seems hard at the moment but if your relationship is to survive and thrive it'll be on changed and certainly more mature terms.

You're much too smart to drink/use in a situation like this, so let me just say I think of/ feel for you and wish you well from the bottom of my heart. Be that strong person that you are and that you document here on a regular basis.

I need to go to bed now, it's really late here already. I'll check in tomorrow again. Be well.

Julia

PS: I'm not a native speaker so apologies for potential mistakes...
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Old 03-30-2014, 05:55 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Hey DG - this is something you've been wrestling with for a long time.

I understand you feeling scared now that the deed is done, but I think you're gonna be ok.
Dismiss those thoughts of drinking or smoking - it won't help...you'll feel worse, ultimately.

Give yourself a few days to be ok with this decision

D
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Old 03-30-2014, 06:58 PM   #16 (permalink)
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DG
Everything's gonna be alright,,trust yourself and your sobriety and your decision.

hugs
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Old 03-30-2014, 07:17 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Stay Strong, staying clean is the priority.
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Old 03-30-2014, 07:31 PM   #18 (permalink)
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A day without a shower? <gasp> Mind = blown

Sorry, don't mean to be flippant, that just struck me funny

I will say, on topic, that it's probably going to be good and bad. Good because you will progress and grow into a new situation and it's rare to regret something like that, but bad because you will miss some of what was lost.

The other day I noticed my ex has defriended me on Facebook. That hurt, for some reason. Things are much better for me now than they were when we were together, but I miss her a lot sometimes. So it's good, and it's bad too.
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Old 03-31-2014, 05:36 AM   #19 (permalink)
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There is some great advice on this thread. How are you doing this morning?
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Old 03-31-2014, 07:28 AM   #20 (permalink)
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DG, I hope you are doing ok. You have done the hardest thing, confronting the reality of the situation. Of course you can't turn emotion off like a tap, and you will continue to have feelings for bf, but you also know that you're were stuck where's you were in the relationship and you have done what was needed. Be kind to yourself just now, and keep focussed on what you want from life. Xx
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ďYou canít go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the endingĒ C S Lewis.
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