Great topic! And one I've wondered about...... A little back ground, been married 24 years and have 2 sons, in early 20s, and I have often wondered if I damaged them by staying with the father for far too long. I've been in al anon for 7 years. For the majority of our marriage he worked 50+ hours a week and was rarely home because of that and I really did function as a single parent the majority of the time. I would also add that the disease wasn't in full swing then. I have my own reasons for not leaving sooner, fear being a huge factor, but he was a great dad. I often felt like I was hiding the disease from the boys, but they knew when things were "off", but since we had operated so long on our own, they didn't really feel like it impacted them when they were younger. Fast forward in life to last few years. Hubby switched jobs just after oldests graduation, now works less hours (because the stress from former job was causing him to drink...haha), has MUCH more time on his hands, and throw in fact that we live in Nevada (can anyone see where this is leading?), and it has become a toxic situation. I've been in al anon for several years, I've detached, lived doing the "next right thing"for so long that I'm tired of it, and so are they. Since he changed jobs, and has been home more, I do notice that they have become "busier".
They are great kids, and I am soo fortunate, and thank my lucky stars every single day....but I wonder what I've modeled for them. I am not the AcoA, but both of my parents were so I know where I got my Codie tendencies, and I worry that I have passed on that trait. I watch them closely for that type of behavior, and if anything I think it has swung the other direction, and they have NO tolerance for alcoholics. To them it's not a disease, it's a choice, and they feel that he is choosing "to stop at a casino" on his way home over seeing them, and to that end I agree. They understand the compulsive part that one is too many, and not enough at the same time, but it's that first choice.....
So now I am at a crossroads in my life. Hubby and I are separated, because I am done with the roller coaster. Life is calmer again for me, and they don't "hole themselves up" playing a video game or taking only night classes, so they don't have to deal with their dad. They are comfortable enough to question me on what I've been thinking the last few years as his disease has progressed, they know about al anon and I've even heard them reiterate it back to me, so I know some has sunk in. They ask their dad about his "recovery" but also are quick to call him on his BS, and acknowledge that it's his life....
Now I instead of questioning what I have modeled, I know I'm that I have been, and continue to, model al anon. Al anon principals have helped me through some tough issues the last few years, helped me to accept what is mine, and leave what is not, and I hope that is a lesson they have learned as well.
That's all I have for now, thanks!
