Originally Posted by CodeJob

Hello 91111,

When I read how kids can choose to be good I started to feel guilty that my kid was no longer a 'good' kid but was a bundle of ACoA traits. What is his personality, nature/nature, ACoA?? My RAH isolated himself. He still does this. He's a smokin' introvert. So quite a bit I felt like I operated as a single mom. But where I used to be proud of my relationship with DS, now I wonder what was I supposed to do differently? When my kid holes up to play Minecraft, is he a normal kid or isolating himself like his father?

Partners are told to keep the family together, detach about the disease because of the Three C's, and just keep on keepin' on. Hope & pray AH chooses recovery on his own accord. Your efforts will improve things 50%, etc.

Personally this is why I am extremely uncomfortable about the disease model of A. Codie F&F stay and try to intervene bc they think AA, recovery, intervention, therapist, whatever medical intervention will work bc it is a disease. They split the A's behavior into A and wonderful partner "when he/she's not drinking." The problem is this behavior is exhibited by the SAME person. Splitting the behavior is not particualry helpful for a codie. "He didn't mean it...." Who the heck cares if he meant it or not - it is unacceptable behavior. A codie makes excuses for the A behavior bc we are addicted to the addict. IMO the disease model tends to discount the choice aspect that the A has to WANT the change for their own self. Then when the F&F finally start to give up on the cyclical and progressive addiction, the A says, "You can't ditch me bc I am sick. If I had cancer you would not abandon me..." So the disease model sort of fails to address the full spectrum of what is going on in addiction and hamstrings those who care by making us think we can get a medical cure or stay bc it is a disease - but at the end of the day it all comes down to the addict's choice.

Even when someone relapses, we say they did not have a 'true' recovery bc they were not doing the 'program'. They must have been a 'dry drunk', etc. etc. There is not one medical thing in the program except fellowship which could be loosely considered group counseling. Each day, the A has to choose not to use for their own well being.

And my qualifier - he claims it was a choice. He too discounts the disease model. Which surprised me bc he too threw out "I'm sick" as his new excuse nearly a year ago...

I had to let it all go. Whether DS is a good kid bc he knew I had my hands full dealing with an AH or not - hard to pull that web apart. As for the whole disease or not argument, I am not a MD. All that matters to me is if my RAH relapses, I did my time up front so I will be moving on. Since I am working my recovery, I get more clarity almost each day.