I am sorry....it sounds terrible. The anguish in your post is palpable.
I can share my own experiences but, as you mentioned, ultimately you have choices too.....just like he does. And those choices aren't easy. I've had to make difficult choices with a husband and an adult son. Everyone here on SR understands what it's like to love someone who is addicted. They don't love the addict in their lives more or less than you love your husband. We do get it.....we've lived it (or are still living it).
I loved my XAH....but it came down to self preservation for me and my little son. The relationship was one sided. XAH held me hostage in the marriage by telling me that he'd kill himself if I left. So I stayed......until the pain of leaving him became less than the pain of staying with him. Until I said "If he kills himself...there's nothing I can do about that because I'm going to die if I stay." There was a tipping point.....where I knew that regardless of how much I loved him, I could not carry the relationship alone. He had a mistress and I couldn't compete with her.....drugs. If I stayed, I knew that I was not a victim.....I was a volunteer in the chaos. A willing participant. My wishing that it was different...that he would change....wasn't going to make it happen.
No one can tell you that you are codependent or not.....really not even a counselor....because until you know whether you are or not.....it doesn't matter. They can give you an opinion but unless you embrace the fact that you are....or are not.....it has no meaning. I am a codependent. I am not ashamed of that or embarrassed by it. By facing it and understanding it, I am able to do something about it. Codependency (in my opinion) is a set of maladaptive behaviors in response to either an unhealthy upbringing or long term exposure to a close unhealthy relationship dynamic. It is screwed up coping skills......just like addiction is screwed up coping skills. Often, when addiction is involved, there are two people involved, both with maladaptive coping mechanisms....caught in a vortex.
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
I remember being in that vortex.....your post takes me back there.....I've lived it....but I'm so glad I found my way out. I don't ever want to be "there" again.
peace and gentle hugs
ke