The truth came out
.. and i was in NO way prepared for the depth of deceit and lies my AH has been putting me through for the most time of our marriage.
Right now, i feel betrayed, taken for a fool, enraged, hurt, angry, frustrated and most of all STUPID.. how could i fall for someone like that? i could i even now not have the strength to give me a tiny bit of self respect and WALK AWAY already? Why do i stay here and give him yet another chance..
oh wait, but he loves me and he cant help that he is addicted. YES you CAN, you CHOOSE to throw this stuff down your neck, you choose to lie, hurt, betray me.. this is as bad as cheating on me. At least another woman, i could kind of compete with.. but this stuff? i stand no chance.
i went to his addiction center on wednesday (i rang them distraught in the morning and they could tell that i was at breaking point so scheduled me in for an emergency appointment within the hour).. AH had told me he had signed a waiver to say they could discuss his case with me if ever i needed to talk to them. When i got there, it turns out that no, he hadnt signed at all so they could only tell me with certainty that he is a LIAR. They rang him because they were by that point worried about ME and what i would do to myself, and he came in. Turns out hes only been without drugs for 2 DAYS.. not the two months hed told me, so i WAS right all those times over the last months when i thought he was high and he kept denying it... he gave the usual addicts excuses.. "i was protecting you", "i couldnt help it", "its what the keyworker told me to do" "but im clean NOW"
my head is spinning, my heart is broken.. this is not what i signed up for when i married this man.. he says he is now back to the man i married (yeah right, now we are tethered to the pharmacy for your suboxone).. i went to the center to get some help for ME (as they advertise counselling for family members), for someone to help me work through this confusion of thoughts and feelings i have only to be told.. its simple you either stay or you leave. It isnt that simple when you are married though.. there are lots of factors at work here and i needed someone to listen to ME, someone to be on MY side and hold MY hand and then let me work out what I need..
i saw my psychiatrist y/day and he was shocked at the state i was in, he has upped all my medication and added some more, i hadnt slept in a week, so was going delusional/having hallucinations on and off, my weight was back down to 127lbs (im 5'5), some of my wounds had gotten infected but i couldnt even get them seen to.. so all this because of an AH... im torturing myself and for what?
the person i saw at the addiction center thinks its possible for an addict to love, but i dont know i believe her.. i dont think he loves me or the kids, i think he loves the easy cushy number hes got here. The free meals, the clean clothes, the clean house, the rides here there and everywhere.. he loves his creature comforts but not me..
im hurting and im angry.. and he is sitting there with his sweeties, locking them up in his precious box .... i just want to scream at him and throttle him and hurt HIM in the way hes hurt me at the moment.