Need Hope deppression bad
Hi, it says at the top that your records show I've never posted, but I have years back like 2006..... this isn't my first time here but it's been years. I was talking to a girlfriend of mine who has depression and anxiety and she said that yrs back when she was here sobery recovery it really helped her, so I'm hoping this can help. I hope I'm posting at the right place. I have a counselor for almost 5 yrs now... he is really sweet and wonderful but he's only 30.... and he is not helping me though he tries... I've been in and out of places for depression. I've been in aa since 2000 but I don't go anymore. Im still sober. Used to go to church, had good friends, and a very wonderful counselor for about four and a half years who really help me, was very active... I hurt my back in 2007 and it's hard for me to sit very long and that's a whole other story. I have a lot more to say on other forums about the situation with my back but I thought I would start here to introduce myself...I really feel like I have no friends left, but really I do have great friends its just they don't know how to help me anymore and I'm going through the empty nest syndrome. I have PTSD and everything is a trigger. I worry about everything, you name it I'm worried about it, especially about my children.... I blame myself, beat myself up so bad about my kids, mistakes I've made. They tell me they love me, they tell me Mom we're fine. Our lives aren't that bad, but I know there's hurting and I know they just don't want me to worry. And still I worry and I can't shut it off. My older children are alcoholics, functioning alcoholics. My son was in AA and sober for 4 months but he decided he didn't need it anymore. I have 4 children and four grandchildren. There are valid reasons why I worry about my children but I won't get into any more of it now. I really do try to visit friends, I used to have such a support system. I don't know whats happening to me. Everything that used to work just doesn't seem to sink into my head and help me anymore. I need to get back and live but I'm so scared of everything. I pray, I search for all kinds of help, things to do and nothing seems to be working, or be enjoyable, or bring joy to my heart.... so when something doesn't work it pushes me down into deeper depression hopelessness......one other thing, this depression and anxiety I have has been pretty constant for the past 3 years slowly getting worse....I just wanna be happy field you are you in live again I don't wanna live like this anymore it's too painful........Does anyone really understand or get what I'm saying....and Is there really happiness and freedom again???