A few sober observations-117 days
Happy to say that this is the longest time I have been sober since I started drinking 20 years ago! I quit before for 3 months 7 years ago but I quit for other reasons then I did this time. One thing that I am noticing lately is my ability to make decisions. When I was drinking I was incapable of really thinking things through or even bothering to. I really was just fixated on trying not to be insane. It always felt like fight or flight. Also, as a drunk I became terribly isolated and insecure about myself and felt like my voice didn't matter. Now I feel like I am actually thinking again and am discovering that I actually have opinions. Before it was as if making excuses was my default setting and now I am feeling like I deserve more then what I used to ask of myself. It's such an unfamiliar feeling however it's a good feeling. One thing I really knew when I was drinking was that I was emotionally stunting myself. I had completely stopped growing or learning or observing or challenging myself and lived in constant fear and shame. Everyday has is ups and downs and it's still a rollarcoaster, but less so than the day before. It's actually really quite a miracle to me when I think back the hell I was in.