moment was gone for me so time for a little tv and relaxing, he was so mad at me he ripped the remote out of my hand and threw it against the mirror, then starts rippin on me and gets up and goes into the bathroom and slams the door. So I'm laying there paralyzed with fear and I think ok this is my chance so I grab a pillow and blanket and run downstairs to the couch. I felt like a little kid hiding from a mad parent. I kept praying to God he wouldn't come downstairs. Every little noise from upstairs scared the h@$# out of me.
Queen - I have gone through several moments like that with my AH. Man....it was ugly. It's unspeakable what he's done to me in the past. Sometimes, I'd lay in bed and pretend to be sleeping praying to God he'd see I was asleep and leave me alone. One night, he stood in front of the bed and said, "I'm going to rape you." (He said he was joking -
that's some joke) I held on to my daughter, who was newborn at the time, and told him to go to bed. I was tired and I didn't want to wake her up (She was my clutch, much like my son's been my clutch many times in the past).
I used to say to my mom, that I will know when it is time to leave when i don't feel safe in my own house. I still thought I had everything under control - I was so blind.
Why didn't I leave? Because I made it about him. I still thought I could fix him, make it better. I could handle anything and he needed me. (All he ever needed was that beer in his hand.)
Here are the reasons I asked him to move out.....
1) he was getting in the way of my recovery. I had too much anger inside me from things that happened in our past. I couldn't get passed that if I continued to lived in that situation.
2) He told me I had the problem.That I needed counseling. If I kept bringing up things from the past, he may end up on America's Most Wanted. He loves me, he don't want to hurt me, but it might happen..... Years of $h!t like that.
3) He slept on the couch every night for years unless he thought he was going to get something. Then, if he didn't, he got mad.
4) All I could see when I was "with" him was his enormous beer belly. I had to close my eyes. I couldn't even enjoy that!!
5) I got tired of being the only adult in the house.
We went to counseling together. He always seemed to get the counselor to take his side. The one I was going to when I asked him to move out....the counselor was totally on my side. I was seeing things the way they were. AH went (1 time) to see for himself what this guy was telling me (and manipulate him in to thinking AH was this great person). I never went back. I found a new counselor. I will not permit my AH to go with me....
Now I'm rambling....
Life can be better if you really want it to be. It's a hard road and some decisions will need to be made that you are unsure of. Put your faith in your HP that you are exactly where you are meant to be. Everynight I say a prayer (someone here told me this one) ... HP, please show me how to do your will and give me the strength to do it.