Drinking or not doesn't matter.....

Old 02-24-2005, 11:05 AM
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Drinking or not doesn't matter.....

I don't know if H is drinking probably is but not so much and hiding it. Anyway I don't even know if it matters anyway, he drinks or he doesn't we still can't get along.

Last night our son walked in our bedroom ( I forgot to lock the door) well, H was ready to go after son left, moment was gone for me so time for a little tv and relaxing, he was so mad at me he ripped the remote out of my hand and threw it against the mirror, then starts rippin on me and gets up and goes into the bathroom and slams the door. So I'm laying there paralyzed with fear and I think ok this is my chance so I grab a pillow and blanket and run downstairs to the couch. I felt like a little kid hiding from a mad parent. I kept praying to God he wouldn't come downstairs. Every little noise from upstairs scared the h@$# out of me. He didn't come downstairs. Luckily my chow follows me everywhere so she slept on the floor by me, that helped a little but I was so scared. I kept thinking to myself no one should have to feel this way no one should have this power over me no one who loves me would do this to me.

So what next? I don't know the only thing I do know is I don't want to live my life like this anymore. Emotional abuse is still abuse!!!! I am no good to my kids like this, they know something is not right.

We just built our first house last year it's my dream come true. His name is not on the house, my mom cosigned with me. If I told him to leave I would never be able to make it on my own and I can't make my kids move again they have had to move almost every year of thier lives and they are settled here and are doing good in school. Argh this is so hard.

I still am having terrible guilt even thinking about making him leave, I really am trying hard to get over that, but I am so codependant it's sick. I even feel bad that I think of myself, I feel selfish for that. H has a great way about keeping me in my role it's GUILT!!!

I think about his family that I love and all of my nieces and nephews and sister in laws I would not be able to be a part of the family anymore. I know they would support me because they know what thier brother is like but it would be so hard for me not to be included anymore. I'm the one who takes my kids to thier cousins bday parties.

I notice his things around me and think it would be sad if his tools weren't in our garage or his clothes weren't in the closet(hmm that might not be too bad) anyway you get the idea.

I have gone on and on long enough, but it feels good to get it out......

Help me guys

Mindi
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Old 02-24-2005, 11:19 AM
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What's that saying?

When God closes one door he always opens another?

Sit down and really list your options. Some that immediately come to mind for me are: Marriage counseling. Individual counseling for you and meetings to find out how to take care of you. Re-fi the house using an ARM with a low intro rate while you work on bettering your education or finding a higher paying job. Rent a room or two.

Options, girl, consider your options! My list is short, I'll bet you can come up with many more, some quite do-able, others a bit iffy but make the list and ponder it.

You are right, no one should live with abuse. The key here is what steps can you take to make things better for you and your children? Make a plan...or several...you, know, plan a and plan b. Then take steps to reach the goals! BE the queen of YOUR highway!
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Old 02-24-2005, 11:20 AM
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I would not be able to be a part of the family anymore. I know they would support me because they know what thier brother is like but it would be so hard for me not to be included anymore.
You are making an assumption that wouldn't happen. Your kids would still go to their cousins... so????

Work on you... go to an Al-anon meeting, focus on you and making you better. Read the power posts on the women in recovery forum... they've got some really good information. The more you know, the more you learn, the more power you have... but in reality... you do have the power to change you NOW..
Staying is hard. Leaving is hard. Either way it's a choice only you can make based on what's right for you...
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Old 02-24-2005, 11:33 AM
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((((Queen))))) Just wanted to send some love your way. We all know how hard this can be - I am reminded of growing up with my dad when I hear your story and how when he was on a rampage (didn't drink, but abusive as hell), you just prayed he didn't come near you. I get sick to my stomach thinking about it. You are here, and you are taking steps towards recovery, and that is a good thing... you will know what you need to do in time. And yes, you are right - no one should have to live in fear. I understand about your house - but, I would be willing to bet that your kids would not be able to pack fast enough if it meant a peaceful, happy life for you and them. Deep breaths and baby steps...and NO projecting! Projection is my worst enemy! I worry so much about what if this, what if that...a huge waste of time. And rivercitybelle is right - for all you know, YOU may be the one who is included in your H's relatives llives, not your AH. You just never know - and you cross each bridge as you get to it. I try to remember that "today is the tomorrow you worried about all day yesterday - was it worth it??" It never is. Huge hugs to you sweetie... you will be alright. One day, minute, step at a time! You'll get where you need to be...
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Old 02-24-2005, 11:37 AM
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We have a really good intrest rate on our home now, but the mortgage is still pretty high. I have a well paying job too, it's just that between the both of us we have a lot of debt, most of it in my name.

We are going to counseling, both marriage and individual. It seems to be helping little for our marriage and him, a lot for me.

I will try and formulate a plan or two, I have to get over this guilt and think about me!!!!
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Old 02-24-2005, 11:43 AM
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Here is a way I finally learned about guilt...it's useless! I knew that, that didn't help...what did help me was the thought that guilt did nothing for my children. My guilt didn't help me be a good mom, didn't help me put them and me first, didn't help me protect them, didn't help me, didn't help me...didn't help THEM. Think about that...is your AH worth that? I only share that because I was so guilt driven for so long, and then one day I realized what it was good for...nothing. But, it wasn't enough that it hurt me, but when it might hurt my children... that woke me up.
And I understand about the financial uncertainties... it's not easy..no way around it. But, just how important is that? It may be very imortant, I don't know... but, think about it. And if you get divorced, he will be responsible for some of the debt too...again, avoid making assumptions and projecting about what 'could' happen. Hang in there sweetie! And I'm so glad about the counseling...I think I'm going back to mine as well!
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Old 02-24-2005, 12:43 PM
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mindi - it sucks being a codie, doesn't it? keep working on your recovery - it does get better - those old habits are so deeply entrenched that it takes a while but keep working at it!
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Old 02-24-2005, 12:48 PM
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I feel the same exact way that you feel.

going on the couch hoping and praying that he leaves me alone. My dog always sleeps next to me too, and when he hears my H coming, he runs for behind the couch or wherever he can hide.

I know that I dont want to live like this anymore. I have said to him on many occasions that I dont want to live like this anymore. It is no surprise.

I will figure out how, what, where and when in due time, but for now I am going to try so hard to only focus on me. I think that is a big part of my problem, I put way to much focus on some undeserving soul, and my soul is so deserving and I dont give it the time of day.

It is not being selfish, It is only taking care of me.
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Old 02-24-2005, 01:01 PM
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Just crossed my mind, have you called an AA counselor to ask about intervention???
Maybe if his family REALLY is on your side, and understand alcoholism they might all help with an intervention. However that said, families are funny. It might be a slow process to get everyone on the same page. Good if his boss likes him and would want to help also. This only if you still love him.

I would go slow with family and ask their opinion, like" Have you ever heard of intervention?? Then, "what do you think, do you think it would work, would anyone want to help"?? etc.
If in your gut you think you and kids would be better off without him, then I hope you find a plan as even after intervention and treatment some do not make it.
just thought I would mention this, again you have to go with your gut feelings.

Get latest updates on intervention, see if and how often they work, also I can't remember has he been thu treatment and done AA??
Maybe I am off base here, but will send anyway .
Wanting the best for you always. clancy46
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Old 02-24-2005, 02:10 PM
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If in your gut you think you and kids would be better off without him
I'm not quite sure of that yet, that's the part of the problem.

He has not done any program or anything, because he doesn't have a problem(sarcasim)lol

This only if you still love him.
There's not much to love about him. But I of course care about him, (sometimes)

I did just get back from an alanon meeting, it was better than the first one. They were talking about courage to change. I have no courage I'm like the lion in the Wizard of Oz. My fear of change is not that things would be different it's if I am making the RIGHT Change.

Mindi
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Old 02-24-2005, 02:32 PM
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It has been so long since I have come here to post - sad to think and this was the first post I read. I can relate - I spent last eveningon the couch - praying that he wouldn't get up - [raying he would just let me sleep through the night. And now here I sit tired and alone the next day - scared to go home - both scare dhe will be there and scared he will not.

It is good to be back - just wanted to share that
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Old 02-24-2005, 03:57 PM
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Oh, man!!! I remember those days! When I was 16, I married the capt. of the football team at our high school. He was a senior and very popular. My life at home wasn't the greatest with overly strict parents, so I thought that moving out with him was the best thing to do at the time.

WRONG!!! He started beating me within 6 months and I went to school lying to everybody about the beatings . "Oh, I got into a car accident". "I hit my eye on the cupboard door"...etc. Some knew better even my class counselor. But, I was raised that "you make your bed, you lie in it".

My parents "disowned" me and I was stuck in the choice that I had made to live with this physically/mentally abusive person (whom showed no signs of the abuse BEFORE I moved in and he didn't drink. He did drugs). It was pure hell. I'd get hit for no reason and called names and called down 24/7. I was scared to death sleeping on couches at night just holding so tightly onto my pillow....my heart racing and me praying "God PLEASE! Get me outta here".

It took a few years, but I did get out. The physical abuse isn't as bad as the mental. A bruise goes away in 5-7 days. If you could open up the chest of a person that has been mentally abused for years, you would see scars upon scars. Words can cut like a knife. But, I knew that I deserved so much better and even though I had no place to go, I planned for years how to get out. I stashed $ away in hidden places. He worked in our home, so he "watched" over me all the time and when he'd leave, he'd pull the plugs on my truck, so that I couldn't leave.

But, ONE day....he messed up and left without pulling the plugs on the truck and I was SO ready. I got out with just the bare essentials that I needed and then got into the local low income housing. I actually got a 3 bedroom apt with a washer/dryer for $13 a month!! Plus, financial aid and foodstamps just until I could get a job of my own. (he wouldn't let me work while we were together).

It can be done. Alot of prayers went into that. I went into therapy right after that to help me get through the trauma of living in what I did. That took awhile, too, but it took me awhile to get out of that situation, also.

So, don't give up! Don't think that you're to blame! Don't buy his rants and raves. It's him that needs the serious help, not you. But, there are alot of people out there that can help you. There are alot on here

My prayers are with you!
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Old 02-24-2005, 04:01 PM
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Hopeforme,
I am so mad WE have to sleep on the couch, scared and alone!!!!

Glad you're back!!

Mindi
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Old 02-24-2005, 04:06 PM
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he'd pull the plugs on my truck, so that I couldn't leave.
I have read so many things here that I could relate to, this just hit me. I am almost speechless I had no idea this actually happens to other people!!!!
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Old 02-24-2005, 06:48 PM
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moment was gone for me so time for a little tv and relaxing, he was so mad at me he ripped the remote out of my hand and threw it against the mirror, then starts rippin on me and gets up and goes into the bathroom and slams the door. So I'm laying there paralyzed with fear and I think ok this is my chance so I grab a pillow and blanket and run downstairs to the couch. I felt like a little kid hiding from a mad parent. I kept praying to God he wouldn't come downstairs. Every little noise from upstairs scared the h@$# out of me.
Queen - I have gone through several moments like that with my AH. Man....it was ugly. It's unspeakable what he's done to me in the past. Sometimes, I'd lay in bed and pretend to be sleeping praying to God he'd see I was asleep and leave me alone. One night, he stood in front of the bed and said, "I'm going to rape you." (He said he was joking - that's some joke) I held on to my daughter, who was newborn at the time, and told him to go to bed. I was tired and I didn't want to wake her up (She was my clutch, much like my son's been my clutch many times in the past).

I used to say to my mom, that I will know when it is time to leave when i don't feel safe in my own house. I still thought I had everything under control - I was so blind.

Why didn't I leave? Because I made it about him. I still thought I could fix him, make it better. I could handle anything and he needed me. (All he ever needed was that beer in his hand.)

Here are the reasons I asked him to move out.....
1) he was getting in the way of my recovery. I had too much anger inside me from things that happened in our past. I couldn't get passed that if I continued to lived in that situation.
2) He told me I had the problem.That I needed counseling. If I kept bringing up things from the past, he may end up on America's Most Wanted. He loves me, he don't want to hurt me, but it might happen..... Years of $h!t like that.
3) He slept on the couch every night for years unless he thought he was going to get something. Then, if he didn't, he got mad.
4) All I could see when I was "with" him was his enormous beer belly. I had to close my eyes. I couldn't even enjoy that!!
5) I got tired of being the only adult in the house.

We went to counseling together. He always seemed to get the counselor to take his side. The one I was going to when I asked him to move out....the counselor was totally on my side. I was seeing things the way they were. AH went (1 time) to see for himself what this guy was telling me (and manipulate him in to thinking AH was this great person). I never went back. I found a new counselor. I will not permit my AH to go with me....

Now I'm rambling....

Life can be better if you really want it to be. It's a hard road and some decisions will need to be made that you are unsure of. Put your faith in your HP that you are exactly where you are meant to be. Everynight I say a prayer (someone here told me this one) ... HP, please show me how to do your will and give me the strength to do it.
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Old 02-25-2005, 08:13 AM
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Queen,

While thinking of all your options and what to do please keep one thing at the top of the list. Your safety. Not to scare you or anything but things can escalate and sometimes quickly. 911 is there for a reason, and in most states they will remove the man without question. (in mass for sure)

There is plenty of good advice above but remember to be SAFE.......
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